Welcome to the first annual Special Guest Exhibit at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, where our patrons take their turn swiping at some acrylic ipecacs! We were delighted with the responses and we know you will be, too. Unfortunately, our beloved curator, Ms. Stitchy McYarnpants could not attend today’s gala event. She was suddenly stricken with a mysterious illness. Let’s all pause for a moment to wish her a speedy recovery.
Alright, let’s dispense with formality and get to the dirt. The real reason she refused to come is that she is an insufferable primadonna and couldn’t stand someone else being in her spotlight. She realized she may not be the cleverest person in the universe after all, so she’s at home, languishing on her fainting couch with a moist hankie in one hand and a gin & tonic in the other. In fact, she appears to be channeling Faye Dunaway’s version of Joan Crawford. She spent a solid half hour and an entire can of cleaning powder admonishing Dot for treating dresses like dishrags. Lucky for her, there were no wire hangers in the house. Not since the time Chi-Chi picked up the dry cleaning. Those cats are going to come out with a scathing book one day, you just watch.
Oh my, please pardon the digression. Without further ado, we present to you the brand new Special Guest Exhibit in the newly refinished Ladies Room of the storage facility. Enjoy! A randomly-selected winner will be announced tomorrow, but we want to express our gratitude to everyone who participated. It was great to hear from everyone and we got some real gems. Thanks for coming out to play!
#1
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And now, the perfect costume if the International Olympic Commission ever decides to create the the Downhill Slalom and Chicken Dance event. – from Rabbitch
Check out that hot Yeti on the ski run! I think I’m gonna swoon! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)
“My father is half yeti, my mother’s worried I’ll get lost. What’s your story?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox
This is the fairy godmother of those little furry people in Star wars 6, the one where they blow up the Deathstar. She was in the first edition, the one with the dorky music. She was the cause of the dorky music. – from km scheid
This is St. Lucia’s little sister, St. Agatha. Her special holiday is November 13th, the day when al the ski runs in Scandinavia officially open for the season. – from km scheid
Snapshot from Bjork’s recent ski holiday. – Tamara Shaffer
The orange chested shag bird has a complex and energetic mating ritual, involving intricate hooting and dancing about. This fine specimen was found tuckered and weak from hours of dancing to no avail. Apparently, her crest was lacking in plumage making her an undesirable mate. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)
Mom, was right, I shoulda worn my orange boots! – from Bridget Graham
“Damn! The potion is wearing off. Now he’ll know I’m not really a bird.” – Julie LaFrance Funk (Holy Crap, what a great name! I pray that it’s real)
What do you get when you mix leftover shag rug with the Austrian Alpine look?? – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube
Kellie was sad when she realized she had killed her friend the Snuffleupagus, but at least now everyone would believe that he was real. – from Elissa at Special Sauce
What could be more intimidating to the other skiers than an outfit that says; “Arg! I’m the pirate of these here slopes!”? Subbing a knitted hat with long fringe at the top for a pirate hat with feathers is the logical choice (even pirates get cold on those snowy slopes!). To accent your pumpkin orange ensemble, a thigh length shaggy yellow vest will do the trick nicely. This not only makes you highly visible, but earn you the respect every snow bunny pirate deserves! And for practical reasons, to prevent you from skiing down the slopes while saying, “Geez! How can I ski in all this crap?!, a braided belt with tassles to tie it all together! People will be amazed at your athletic skills and wonder where you bravely plundered the Big Bird costume to get your outfit! – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)
I didn’t kill the muppet – why are you looking at me like that? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits
Lanie’s biggest challenge as a puppeteer for Fraggle Rock was leaving her work at the office. – from Julia at MothHeaven
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#2
The zebra stripes give him animal magnetism, at least to checkboard-bedecked Swedish women. – from Amy at Frottez!
“Honey, why does this sweater smell so bad?” “Oh, I knitted it out of Ljutefisk!” – from Rabbitch
So what if his mom was a zebra and my mom was a stopsign, we’re in love! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)
“Hey, sweetcakes, the stripes point the way!” “Oh, George, you’re *such* a flirt!” – from Andrea high atop her Soapbox
He obviously used that Zebra disguise so he would blend in with the wildlife on the ski slopes to catch the hallucinogenic love bunny. I actually like these sweaters – just not in the same space. – from km scheid
Ahhh The Swedes, such a model of progressive thought. Why not force men to don knitwear that is an abstract version of a muscular skeletal system that leads down to what seems to be a uterus. Girlfriend, now you know how the other half lives, she seems to say. – Terry Cluefor
Looks like an ad for condoms for some reason. – Tamara Shaffer
Like the asses of orangutans, weaker males are marked by outer appearances. While the most virile wear argyle and plaids, the weaker are forced to wear effeminate animal prints and absurd facial hair. When the gentle male is released into the wilds of singles bars and grocery stores, only the most crocheted of women can sustain their amusement long enough to mate. Note how the male makes gestures as if to overpower her, but his charade is transparent. His markings make it clear that he is far too weak and she lets out soft chiding chuckles in response. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)
C’mon, honey, where’d you hide the crayons?? – from Bridget Graham
“Come on baby. Take off your sweater and show me your skeleton.” – Julie LaFrance Funk
Hirsute Zebra men say the funniest things! – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube
I’ve seen it a hundred times. People who can’t hold their liquor. Here we have the lovely couple and the wife seems to be enjoying her vacation at the lodge a little too much. In fact, maybe she was drinking while making their vacation sweaters. She started with his. Hmmm¢â‚¬¦lets see. I want to make my man something that will show off his qualities. I know! One bottle of wine later produces a chart for, you guessed it, The best harry chest in the west! Next came hers. Its gonna be cold and I’ll need some mittens. All that running from one bar to another, I’ll probably need a special bag to carry my hats/mittens etc. Unless¢â‚¬¦..Yes! That’s it! I’ll crochet them directly onto the sleeves of my sweater! The only thing that could make that better is a checks, hearts, rainbow stripe montage. After much insisting, the loving husband dons his sweater while whispering in her ear, “there now, I’ve put it on. Lets go back to the room and have some coffee.” – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)
*gritting teeth* Get your hands off me you zebra-freak, don’t you see I am way too fabulous for you? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits
“Oh Steve. It’s been quite a day, riding into New York City all the way from Scranton for our anniversary. I’m so excited to see Times Square and all the celebrities that live there. And we’re a shoe-in at the Rave with our cool club outfits. New York is so cool. Thanks for a great day!” –from Julia at MothHeaven
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#3
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“Oh Fuck. My left breast implant just exploded. I knew I should have forked out for silicone instead of feathers, even if it WAS ten dollars more.” – from Rabbitch
Ostrich for lunch, my favorite! But I think I got some on my shirt. – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)
“Yes, dahling, don’t you just looove ostrich? No! They’re not chicken!!! What was that you said about dodo?!?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox
OMG I got caught in the shredder! Thank goodness my head jammed the works and they were able to retrieve it! I don’t know how I’ll ever explain
to my future husband that I can’t remove the black band around my neck. – from km scheid
If I just act really cool, people won’t notice the several small arctic birds I am smuggling under my sweater. But I wish they’d quit digging into me with their claws. And the SMELL! – from km scheid
Takes my breath away. Really. This one could have won Wendy’s 80s contest. – Tamara Shaffer
Females of the Yellow Crested Pleated Matron must prove their ability to care for offspring. The male seeks females sporting the greatest number of small animal carcasses. She spends hours weaving feathers and pelts into elaborate fabrics. This fine example shows a complexity of design found only in the finest of specimens. The male will woo her with songs of “I have a camaro I have a camaro” while presenting her with offerings of wine coolers. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)
Moa?? I thought they said I’ll be modeling a boa!” – from Bridget Graham
“Oh No! The stuffing is coming out of my Stepford wife!” – Julie LaFrance Funk
“My ostrich feather breast implant just exploded! Do you think anyone will notice?” – from Dani of Year of the Afghan
Melanie Griffith in the 80’s before plastic surgery and Antonio Banderas. The built-in boa is a plus. – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube
Melanie hoped nobody would notice that she consumed an entire pigeon on her way to her Vanity Fair shoot. – from Elissa at Special Sauce
Finally, an answer to what to do with all that dark fuzzy scrap yarn you have! You’ll be doing even better if you have or live next to farm animals! Seriously, the geese/chicken/ducks will put up a fight at first, but when they realize what they are sacrificing for, they should comply. Their plucked feathers will be immortalized in a knitted work of art! The look on her face portrays her pride: “It took me days to chase down those fowl! But damn it¢â‚¬¦.I’m worth it!” – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)
And here we have our latest hybrid cross… Ivana Trump x Emu… – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits
Lola’s fame as a beltway lobbyist was cemented the year the Census Bureau added a ethnicity category for Ostrich Americans. – from Julia at MothHeaven
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#4
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The rare and beautiful Abominable Snow-Woman, shown with arm fur shaved to reveal her lovely multicolored skin. – from Amy at Frottez!
We European women never shave our armpits. – from Rabbitch
These are my real breasts! Mom met the abominable snowman one night on the ski run and….here I am! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)
“Here’s a yeti, there’s a yeti, everywhere a yeti-yeti.” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox
I thought there was a page ripped out of that stupid magazine I stole from the doctor’s office. I didn’t think it made any sense. Maybe if I just call it a design element, no one will notice. – from km scheid
This sweater-coat-thing has so many wonderful pockets, I can carry all my stuffed rabbits with me all the time! – from km scheid
Olive Oil knits!! – Tamara Shaffer
In the vast tundra of the arctic, the native Fair Isle Fox sheds her summer coat in lieu of a her dense white winter fur. The male of the species will not rise from his semi-hibernation until the remainder of her mottled coat is replaced by a thick silky shag. By the time mating begins, she is nearly unrecognizable from her former self, as her shape is obscured by her winter whites. When the female finally picks her mate, he will as likely die of inhaling plumes of fur as he is of succumbing to any predator. Because of this, the female has evolved to give birth to vast numbers of offspring to replace the many lost males. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)
There was this great sale on fun fur . . . . . – from Bridget Graham
“High-wasted gaucho pants are in, in, in, this year!” – Julie LaFrance Funk
“Helga Bigfoot here, wife of Sidney Bigfoot. I know you think living in the Swiss Alps with the monster of your dreams is all fun and romance, but let me tell you, it’s hell keeping house for a man, err, semi-erect humanoid who refuses to bathe regularly and has massive claws for toenails. And if that’s not enough, every night when he gets home, all the neighborhood dogs start howling and yelping. Drives me crazy. So as soon as I get enough cash saved up, I’m out of here–off to my sister’s in Key West. Anyone want to buy an exclusive photo of Bigfoot himself?” – from PaMdora of www.pamrubert.com
Help! A yeti appropriated my sweater in progress and finished the front! Have some fondue! – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube
“…next we braise the Yeti flanks in a flavorful white wine reduction, and serve with crackers!” – from Elissa at Special Sauce
Hmmmm. What knitter doesn’t love the prospect of being alone in a lovely hotel with only her knitting and the scenery to occupy her time? If anyone approaches you offering you an opportunity to “house sit” a grand old hotel during the off season in the winter BEWARE! Our next subject was not so lucky. Every knitter has a travel project in his/her suitcase. This is what happens when you take one to the Overlook Hotel.(www.kubrickfilms.warnerbros.com/video_detail/shining/) She’s obviously started a sweater for the cold weather. Something colorful that will go with everything. But as time passes and strange things start happening she gets more distracted from her knitting while at the same time being consumed by it. She has just finished the sleeves and attached them to the eight inch long collar and is preparing to cast on the body when things start going horribly wrong. A large supply of white fur materializes mysteriously in her room. She is driven to use it by evil yet powerful ghostly forces prompting her through psychological terror. By the end she has a sweater and she is snowbound in the beautiful yet frightening hotel. Both are not at all what she bargained for. Don’t let her suffering be for nothing; lets all learn
from this story: Don’t knit anything out of fear! – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)
It didn’t take me long to tackle down that alpaca at all, and don’t worry – the doctor said it’s just a mild concussion and a case of really bad taste. – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits
“I don’t miss Rufus. I feel that somehow, he’s always with me.” – from Julia at MothHeaven
Thanks again and watch your head on the way out!
