Building an exact replica of the Enterprise’s Main Bridge in your parents’ basement: $4,275

Knitting lessons so you could make your own uniforms: Free at your grandma’s house, as long as your promise to try a sport when the weather gets nice out.

The sound of your girlfriend’s adoring voice as you describe the Uhura mini-dress you’ve made for her: $3.95 for the first minute and just $2 a minute after that. Connection fees may apply. Must be 18 or older to call.

Once the walls had been covered in aluminum foil and she was able to tan from the comfort of her own home, Paloma McYarnpants was ready to decorate! She spent weeks digging thorough the dumpsters at local art galleries until finally, her dream living room was complete.

If only she’d known about the upcoming auction at the Museum of Bad Art. Then she wouldn’t have had to wade through all that discarded brie and pate.

She could really use one of these to class up the place.

(yes, this will be up for auction. I know! Can you believe it?!)

Also, as a side note, I will be attending this auction and if anyone dares to outbid me on this, there’s gonna be a problem.

Hey kids, guess what!? The Museum of Kitschy Stitches has been nominated for a Webby Award!

It’s true! Ain’t that a kick in the ample pants? We’re here with the adorable Hipsey Twins and they’re going to tell us how you can help the Museum’s creator and curator, Stitchy McYarnpants, win the prize. A prize which may or not be a sexy, leg-shaped lamp!

So tell us, Harold, what is a Webby Award?

My pants itch. I have itchy yarnpants.

Heh heh, kids. That’s great, Harold. But about those awards . . .

A Webby Award is a thing that lets you make people see how good you are at things!

Terrific. Hazel, do you know anything about the Webby Awards?

Sure. The Webbies have been purported to be the Oscar Awards of the internet. And in many ways, they are. Websites must submit their site for review by an esteemed panel of judges. This year, over 8,000 websites from over 60 countries entered. It’s quite an honor to be nominated.

Wow, that’s pretty impressive. Harold, any idea how winners are selected?

I eated yellow snow once. I thought it was lemon-flavoreded, but I don’t think it was. Mommy cried into her hands for a little while after I told her. I think you win if you only ever eat the right snow.

Your mother is very brave. Hazel, any thoughts on the process?

Each nominee actually has two chances to win. You see, the Webby Awards take a two-pronged approach to the contest. One relies on the vast experience of The International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, which is comprised of an array of respected individuals from all over the professional spectrum. Some notable members are David Bowie, Beck, Arianna Huffington, and Matt Groening. This panel will select a winner from the nominees in each category.

The second is the aptly named “People’s Voice” award and allows the public to vote for their favorite nominees. This approach satisfies both the need to establish intellectual excellence through unbiased examination of a website’s content and to allow nominees to launch elaborate campaigns to garner support so the general public can decide who they feel most deserves the award.

I farted.

Thank you, Hazel. And how can people vote for their favorite nominees?

They can visit the home page for the People’s Voice award. Registration is required, but it only takes a few seconds. It’s well worth it to help your favorite website gain the recognition they deserve for all their hard work and long hours of trying to please their beloved readers. Should they choose to support Ms. McYarnpants and her effort to preserve the rich history of handmade fashions, they can find her ballot in the Websites section under the heading “Weird”. While this may seem rather an odd category, Ms. McYarnpants believes she’s much better off in there rather than one such as “Humor”, where she’d have to duke it out with heavyweights like The Onion and Stephen Colbert.

Well, thank you for that in depth look at the Webby Awards, Hazel. It’s been a pleasure.

. . .

~sigh~ Harold, would you like to add anything?

Stitchy said that she wants to win because she thinks Stephen Colbert is going to win and she wants to go to the awards show so she can stand near him and have someone take a picture so it looks like they were hanging out and laughing and having fun, even though they weren’t.

‘member I said I farted. I didn’t. I pooped.

Ok, well, there you have it folks. Get out there and make Stitchy McYarnpants’ dream come true! Even if it is a dream of being surreptitiously photographed with an unsuspecting celebrity.

Voting ends on April 27th, so make sure you use all your email addresses, even the one you use for porn sites, to vote early and vote often!

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Oh. My. Gaaawwwwwwdd!

I got nominated for a Webby Award.

What do I do? Do I look ok? How’s my hair? Do I look fat?‚ I totally look fat.‚ I’m all twitchy. I’m in the same company as Cute Overload, people. My Cute Overlords.

‚ eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*thud*

oh crap, that means I’d better step it up around here.

*dies*

Oh, and there’s also a People’s Voice Award where everyone can vote for their favorite in each category! If I win either‚ the award‚ judged by a panel‚ (that includes people like Beck, David Bowie, and Matt Freaking Groening), or People’s Voice “Weird” category, I get to go to the Gala Event. It’s hosted by Rob Corddry from The Daily Show. Prince was there last year. Stephen Colbert is nominated this year. Maybe he’ll show up.

Seriously? I’m totally geeking out. I mean seriously, I’m beside myself.‚ How cool would it be to have knitter representation at the Webby Awards? And how fantastic would it be to wear some amazing knitted creation? Holy cow, my yarny senses are tingling . . .

So, you know. Vote for me! If you like me. You like me, right?

Voting ends on April 27th, so don’t forget!!

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Eager to capitalize on celebrate the newly emerging wedding market, we at the American Homosexual Craft Council went to work to produce the ultimate Same Sex Wedding gift. Scientists, statisticians and nosy neighbors were assembled to perform exhaustive research. The front porches and rear bumpers of gay citizens everywhere were analyzed and finally, we are proud to offer what is sure to be the biggest seller during the upcoming Civil Ceremony Season.

It is with great pleasure that we present to you the Rainbow Trousseau! At last, the blender can be itself, the spoons can stop pretending, and the toaster can finally embrace the truth:

Cozies are a family value.