Archive for April, 2008

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 4 COMMENTS

As the last day for voting in the People’s Voice Awards approaches (last day to vote is May 1st!), we’re once again joined by the incorrigible Hipsey Twins, Hazel and Harold.

Last year they gave us an eye-opening look at the Webby Awards and this year, they’ll be presenting their analysis on this years’ competition and our chances of securing last place. It’s looking good!

Let’s begin by reminding everyone about how the voting works. Harold, its been a year since we last spoke. Surely you’ve had time to really think about this subject and you appear to have the notes we wrote for you with the proper answers. So tell us, Harold, how can patrons of the Museum vote for us in the People’s Voice Awards? Please read the sentence marked #1.

I don’t need to go #1. I already did. Before.

Hazel? Little help?

Sure thing! If readers feel that the Museum of Kitschy Stitches is deserving of their vote, they can sign up at the People’s Voice website and find our ballot in the first section called “Connection” in the “Weird” category.

Registration is quick and easy, and definitely worth the time to help support someone whose very sanity lies in the balance.

Terrific! Umm . . wait, what was that about someone’s sanity?

Oh nothing, just a little joke.

Hey, I know a joke! Knock knock!

. . .

I said Knock knock!

~sigh~ Who’s there?

I’m a pileup!

I’m a pileup Who?

Ha ha ha ha!! Pile of poo! Ha ha ha. You said pile of poo! You’re a pile of poo!!

Great. So Hazel, despite her efforts, it seems that the curator of the museum can’t seem to catch a break in this competition. What do you think is her biggest hurdle? Is it her lack of commitment to regular posting? Is her material getting stale? Are people actually starting to like crocheted pantsuits and no longer wish to see them mocked? Or MOKed, as it were?

I believe that all of those are definitely issues. Ms. McYarnpants certainly isn’t prolific, is she? She simply can’t keep up with her competition. It’s been rumored that the museum’s entire “staff” is merely an invention. A literary apparition, if you will. I heard she has a desk job in an office and has been actually threatening her co-workers with bodily harm if they don’t vote for her. I recommend they empty their staplers and maybe bring in their own tea bags for a few weeks.

Quite simply, Ms. McYarnpants needs to step up her game.

I found a outfit made of granny squares for a cat in Stitchy’s garbage can! She said she was going to try to compete this year by forcing her aminals into little outfits and making funny words to go with it. She was all scratched up and bloody. I think it didn’t work.

Interesting. And sad. Well, thank you kids. Do you have any final thoughts on the Webby Awards and the MOKS nomination?

Stitchy stinks.

Simply being nominated for a Webby Award is quite an honor and I don’t think the museum is looking this gift horse in the mouth. Ms. McYarnpants has gained a lot of readers from her new exposure and has actually had some lovely email interactions and gotten some amazing feedback that have really made all the hard work worthwhile. In the end, it’s all about making people happy.

Hazel, you’re a dork. Kitties are a million times better that this pileup who. Can we look at some cute animals now?

Well, that was another very insightful conversation with at least half of the Hipsey Twins. And don’t forget, there’s still time to help the museum make a push for fourth place! Vote now and vote often!

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 13 COMMENTS

We used to have a cat named Mike. We still have the same cat, but the other day, Jon felt that Mike was entering his angsty, adolescent, goth phase and needed a new goth name.

As we drifted off to sleep, I came up with Dusty Sorrow. It suits him perfectly, and I will tell you why in song. Please, feel free to sing along to the tune of Desperado. (Believe it or not, I thought of the name days before the song idea)

Dusty Sorrow, why don’t you come to your senses?
You been hidin’ ‘neath the floorboards for so long now
Oh you’re a skittish one
But I know that you got your reasons
These groomers that are tweezing you
Can hurt you somehow.

Don’t you draw those freshly clipped claws, boy
They’re useless and unstable
You know your shiny teeth are always your best bet

Now it seems to me some crappy things
Have been laid upon your table
But I’m sorry that a new penis you can’t get

Dusty Sorrow, whoa you ain’t getting any cleaner
Your pain and your hunger should be drivin’ you from that hole
And freedom, oh freedom well, that just ain’t happ’nin’
Your prison is walking through this house as you please

Don’t your feet get dirty on that filthy pine?
And its hours past your dinnertime
Its hard to tell if you’re just wasting the day
Or if you’re losing air and getting poked with nails
Ain’t it funny how you seem angry either way?

Dusty Sorrow, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come out from the floorboards, don’t make me wait
It may be scary, but there’s a mummy above you
You better let your mummy love you

(let your mummy love you)

You better let your mummy love you
Before you get even more filthy under there

***

Mike has had a tough week. It started two Saturdays ago with a trip to the groomer and a well-executed “Lion Cut”. The groomer noticed he seemed to be having dribbling issues and what with the whole penectomy and new pee-hole, you really have to be careful about such things. When we got home from the groomers, we decided he needed to go to the vet and got him back into his carrier. As we left, I realized I had forgotten my keys, so Jon put the carrier down and unlocked the front door so I could go get them. Unfortunately, he put Mike’s carrier on the steps.

You see where this is going.

Luckily it was the bottom step, but when Mike shifted his weight and down the carrier went. He only rolled half a revolution, but it seemed to be enough to really piss him off. There was growling and hissing.

And at the vet, well, they did vet things and tried to get some samples but his bladder was empty. They sent us home with two weeks worth of liquid antibiotics that Jon feels are banana-flavored. I don’t know where anyone got the idea that banana-flavored medicine is just the thing for cats, but twice a day, Mike is grabbed and given a mouthful of what is essentially liquefied Circus Peanuts.

So is it any wonder that when Jon’s brother walked into the kitchen last Saturday carrying a cooler that looks very much like a cat carrier, Mike freaked out and dove into a hole under the kitchen sink? And stayed under there, with the rusty nails poking him and the dirt and grime of probably 80 or more years of kitchen grossness from 2 in the afternoon until 1 in the morning?

Eventually, he got himself into a spot where he actually couldn’t get out. (We got pictures by reaching in as far as we could and snapping in the dark.) We removed large parts of the wall that were boarded up from previous work done on the pipes. For hours, I sweet talked him with my kitty voice and a can of tuna, he cried, and finally, I was able to get him to move to the most open part of the hole. He could only get his head and one paw out, so I had to maneuver him in a way that looked very much like childbirth. I was able to get my hand down his side to lift out his other shoulder and paw, then carefully guided him out. Then he went right for the plate of tuna.

So, I guess if you ever need any midwifery advice for a wooden house and a cat, let me know.

P.S. We fixed the hole under the sink.

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 13 COMMENTS

A Message to our Valued Patrons,

We at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches would like to welcome you to our hallowed halls. If you’re a long time visitor, welcome back. If you’ve just found us, come on it and take a look around. We’ve got a little something to horrify everyone. Whether you’re a passive-aggressive pet lover,

appreciate fine swimwear,

or just enjoy a little clown-on-clown violence,

you’ve found the right place. Let your kitsch flag fly!

We would also like to take the opportunity to make a couple of exciting announcements while you’re here. Firstly, we are pleased to announce that Winnie Lynn McCoy and the rest of the staff in our Historic Textiles department have embarked upon a truly worthwhile effort. We have teamed up with the lovely and talented Miss West Virginia herself, Shelby Free! She is one of the contestants hand-selected to compete in the 2008 Best in Drag pageant and we have the honor of creating a spectacular gown for the occasion.

Everyone at the MOKS is buzzing with excitement (and lewd drunkenness) as her gown will be a revealing little number constructed entirely of crocheted Budweiser beer cans and red acrylic yarn! Construction has begun and we’ve already made arrangements for the staff to be finished with rehab in time to make the event in October in lovely Los Angeles. Stay tuned for updates and photos of our progress. (Yes, this is actually true.)

In other news, we have once again been nominated for a Webby Award! We hare honored to be in such great company in the Weird category. Last year, we had a very stimulating conversation with Hazel Hipsy about the process. Her twin brother Harold partook in the conversation as well. Once again, we ask that if you enjoy our little museum, you vote for us in the People’s Voice portion of the contest. Our voting page can be found by clicking here, or looking under the “Connections” category of the voting page. We’re in the sub-category called “Weird”. You do have to sign up to vote, but it only takes a few minutes and would mean the world to us.

We look forward to talking about the implications of a second nomination with Hazel very soon. Hopefully Harold will have other plans.

Thank you all for stopping by, please stay and enjoy the mess we have created.

Stitchy McYarnpants
Museum of Kitschy Stitches
Creator and Curator

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 10 COMMENTS

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad you aren’t one of these sad sacks of tangerine-colored despair?

(I like to think that the reason the man’s sweater has no buttons was because they popped of as he rent his garment in angst.)

You know, I open up old knitting magazines for a bit of zippy fun and a few laughs at the expense of others. But all of a sudden, I have to find the one that’s edited by Sylvia Plath’s crafty and slightly more depressed sister.

Part of me wants to make jokes about Clementines and Tangellos colliding to form an unholy alliance of color and texture, and the other part wants to find these two and help them out with some neutral tones and an ice cream sundae.

I’m getting soft, people. But now is not the time to be soft. I just found out that I’ve been nominated for another Webby Award (once again, in the “Weird” category)! And I must steel myself for a double ass-kicking as I go up against Cute Overload (who soundly trounced me last year) AND I Can Has Cheeseburger.

Jesus. Can’t a girl catch a break?

I need a drink. An orange one.

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 4 COMMENTS

If she’d known that the elephant had a proclivity for violent sneezing fits, she wouldn’t have worn her new white dress to the circus.