As soon as word got around our administrative offices that we had lost the Webby award, the award that was going to be the answer to all of our problems, both professionally and personally, the staff pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and went to the liquor store. After a long, disturbing evening in the conference room, they decided that the only thing to do was to offer the public what it was looking for. Clearly the exhibits in the Museum had gotten stale. The market had changed. Kitsch is out and cute is in!
It’s been a wonderful week, full of camaraderie and enthusiasm. The entire MOKS staff banded together and worked towards a common goal. That goal? To please you, the patrons of our humble museum. For without you, we’d have to go back to our previous jobs. Without going into detail, let’s just say that none of us want to climb back into the barrel to face those angry bulls.
Gail from HR brought in her sister-in-law, Madeline, who has the most adorable seeing eye dog you’ve ever seen. Lady Winslow of Duckingham has done an admiral job considering she’s never actually been trained to be a service animal. You see, Madeline’s eyesight was just fine until Gail decided to knit her a pantsuit. The unusual color combination left her disoriented and she suffered severe nerve damage from the undulating geometric hellscape. Some doctors have suggested her blindness is simply a defense mechanism and that as soon as she works up the nerve to tell Gail how much she hates the gift, her sight will return. Isn’t Lady a pretty girl? Who’s a pretty dog? You are! You are, Lady Winslow!
Tammy in Reception was eager to share her most prized possessions, a pair of her favorite troll dolls. Her desk is littered with them, but she insists that these are the cream of the crop. She’s knitted tiny little outfits for all of them, including Elvis and Marilyn here. She thinks they’re just the cutest thing she’s ever seen and can tell you so in any of a thousand ways. Many employees have mastered the art of Tantric Urination, choosing to hold it all day rather than risk walking by her desk and hearing all about the latest mischief in Trollsylvania. But hey, who are we to judge?
Of course, Tammy in Accounting had to get in on the action. When she was done, she offered up her own favorite troll doll. No one is sure if she’s making fun of Reception Tammy or if, in some odd way, they’ve formed a kind if kinship over the years. After all, who else in the office but Reception Tammy would ever offer you a breath mint and some fresh panties with such unquestioning perkiness? Accounting Tammy’s favorite character is the apltly named “Trolling for a Guy” doll. I bet you’ve never seen a half-inch hand-knit thong, have you? We have.
The Board of Directors even opened the gates of the corporate day care center and let us pick out a few of our favorites for the new exhibit. These three were cutifying themselves very industriously as we made our second walk-through. We all agreed that they had what it took, and they did. Choosing carefully between spots and plaid, festooning themselves with cardboard stars, these babies were committed. I mean, how did they even get their widdle hands on Superglue in the first place? But as with all good things, it ended in tears and puddles of striped and polka-dotted piddle. I guess that’s what happens when you choose to diaper with floating strips of ethereal gauze. But still, they’re pretty cute. In a soggy-gauze-that-leaks-pastel-rainbows kind of way.
And finally, Vito in Security went above and beyond the call of duty. Knowing that animals were where it’s at, he spent the entire morning at the park collecting specimens and the rest of the afternoon nailing fastening installing squirrels onto various surfaces around the exhibit halls. This way, everyone can enjoy them at their leisure. SO cute. Thanks Vito, there’s going to be a little extra something in next week’s paycheck.
We hope you enjoyed the new exhibit, feel free to feed the squirrels. Just don’t be insulted if they ignore you. They’ve all had quite a day.