Archive for November, 2006

I Am Nail-Biter, Hear Me Chew

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 32 COMMENTS

‚ 

‚ 

OK. You guys need to help a sister out. I’m a nail-biter. Always have been, always will be. I’m a hair twirler, too, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s the nail-biting I’m concerned with. I’d show you a picture, but my mom would be totally embarrassed. She’s been trying to get me to quit doing it since I was a kid. But I was too sly, and far too orally fixated to be assuaged.

And now. Well, now I’ve gone and gotten myself on a tv show. And not just any old tv show, it’s Knitty Gritty. Basically, it’s hand p0rn. Well, I’ve never actually seen the show, but I can only assume that there are lots of close-ups of beautifully manicured hands doing all sorts of crafty things. Hands that don’t look like the discarded chew toys of a baby T-Rex.

Now, I’m not here to ask for help to quit biting my nails. Hell no! I just need to figure out a way to cover them up without resorting to asking Stephanie for one of the many hand-knit socks she’ll have with her.‚  And seeing as how I can barely manage to keep up with my lip and brow appointments (note to self, get a lip and brow or a moustache comb), manicures are completely out of my league.

SO. Any of you local gals care to help a scraggly-nailed sister out?

Where should I go? Does anyone have a swear-by favorite? I’m willing to go anywhere in the Boston/Somerville/Cambridge/surrounding area, but if you have a place further away that is amazing, I’m willing to travel within an hour of Boston.

What should I ask for? I don’t want big, long eye-poking nails. I don’t want to slice an artery accidentally in the shower. I just want them to look like they aren’t on the body of a stressed-out neurotic person. Plain, no fancy colors, maybe just something light and nuetral. So what do I get? I don’t know Thing One about this stuff, so treat me like a child here. Acrylic, porcelain (is that even a choice?), is there a specific style?

How long does it take? How much time should I allow for Digitalis Metamorphosis?

Heeeelp! And thanks in advance for your sage advice.

*Tune in mid-December for Part Two of this post: “How Do I Get These Freaking Things Off!?”

‚ 

READ FULL STORY

Mock and Roll 2006 – New Tour Dates!

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 10 COMMENTS

‚ 

Just in time for the fancy season, two new tour dates have been added! Consider it my holiday gift to the world.

Since I’ll be in the neighborhood filming an episode of Knitty Gritty, I’ll be popping into Unwind in Burbank, CA

12/9 – Burbank, CA – Unwind, 1-3pm (818 N. Hollywood Way)

‚ ***

And join us at Graceful Stitches for an evening of fun! Graceful Stitches is a non-profit yarn shop that donates its profits to cancer research. Our very own Maryse‚ is a volunteer there!

12/14 – Medfield, MA, Graceful Stitches, 7:30pm (event is being held two blocks from Graceful Stitches at a home improvement‚ store called Master’s Touch – 5 Janes‚ Street, building is on Rt. 109)

Hope to see you there!

‚ 

READ FULL STORY

Horror on the Slopes

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 59 COMMENTS

Just in time for the holidays! It’s the new Home Plastic Surgery Kit from StitchCo! Just slip it on and follow the easy-to-follow color-coded cut lines. Refresh a hairline that isn’t just receding, it’s gone into full fledged retreat. Tighten droopy eyes which are no doubt suffering the ravages of your non-stop sobbing. Lift up those lumps of glutinous dough you used to call a jawline and for heaven’s sake, just pick one chin and stick with it while you’re digging around in there. And feel free to do something about those earlobes, too.

This ski mask gets extra points for thoughtfully including a faithful replica of this man’s weeping cold sores. Might as well warn the snow bunnies right up front, eh? And toss in some gin blossoms while you’re at it.

Will you just look into those eye? This kid is pleading for his mom to just forget what he said about becoming a model and drive him right back to school as soon as possible. Like now. That little eyebrow of despair speaks volumes, let’s listen . . . “Please, mom? For the love of all that is holy, mom? Please can we please leave please? I’ll never ask for anything or come up with any other big ideas about my future again, I swear. Take me right to the dentist or the nursing home so I can visit with strange old people, I don’t care. I’ll go anywhere. I’ll clean the hamster cage every day. Please?”

P.S. From the description: “Warm little Indian wears his feathers knitted over pipe cleaners, his war paint of duplicate stitch.” uhhhh-huh . . . and people wonder why ancient Native American burial grounds fight back.

It’s too late for Sally. The darkness has got her now. She’s no longer the girl we loved, the transformation has already begun. Soon she’ll be coming for us and unless you’re aching for a set of acrylic bangs, I suggest we run.

P.S. From the description: “Fringed yarn bangs and pompon “hair” are amusing.” I think they used waaay too few quotation marks. Tell me, doesn’t this make more sense: “Fringed yarn “bangs” and “pompon” “hair” are “amusing”.”

Now, this family of ski masks already made the rounds on the internets a long time ago. I wouldn’t re-hash them if I didn’t have a really good reason. I’m sure everyone who has ever seen these things has laughed and recoiled in horror and thought “Who would ever make something like this?” And because the way the human brain has evolved, there are built-in protections for our delicate psyches. We tell ourselves that obviously no one has ever made one. How could they? It’s just too much to fathom.

Well, in the immortal words of Danny Bonaduce, I am about to shake your foundation. I will shake the f’ing rafters. Nobody’ll be the same.

This is 6-year-old Charles C. In 1966, he lived in Mogador, Ohio. I guess that would make him 46 now. This was his mom’s first knitting project. I know this photo looks like surveillance camera footage from some crazed, yarn-fueled crime spree, and who could blame the little guy. But in actuality, his mom was so proud, she sent it to McCalls magazine so they could put it in the section of the magazine called “Show Us How You Did It With Snaps!” (snaps, in this case, being snapshots. Although maybe the hat could benefit from some extra closures) Charles, email me. Seriously, we need to talk.

*And before you ask, I can’t post the pattern or send it out. I just don’t feel comfortable doing it for copyright reasons. Sorry, it’s just better this way, I mean, you don’t really want to make one of these, do you? Consider it a public service.

READ FULL STORY

Hitting the Wall

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 30 COMMENTS

‚ 

‚ 

I started this blog because I enjoy writing and was excited about knitting. And by doing these two things in combination, I somehow stumbled upon an amazing community, great friends and of all things, a book deal. Call it passion, call it harmonic convergence, call it dumb luck, call it whatever you want, it really is a dream come true. So why do I feel like I’ve hit a wall? Repeatedly. Without a helmet.

How is it that because of my writing and knitting, I never have time to write or knit anymore? It’s like some twisted version of the Gift of the Magi. The whole process of not only writing, but supporting a book has become all-consuming. Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you how long I’ve been at it. I feel like the last two years have been a big blur, like I’ve been on a merry-go-round turned up to eleven. Even the fiberglass horses are looking a little queasy. And when I try to leap off, I land on a roller coaster full of shrieking Girl Scouts with Pink Eye. Basically, my life lately can be summed up by one sentence: “What, are you freaking kidding me?”

I have no problem working hard. In fact, I love it. I get a sick sense of satisfaction from working an insane amount of hours and exhausting myself. Working in the software industry and starting with a company from the ground up has conditioned me to accept an occasional (and sometimes not-so-occasional) 16-hour workday as par for the course. It feels really good to work your ass off and actually reap the rewards.

Of course, when you expend that much gusto on two things work and book it starts to wear a little quicker. I find myself wishing there were an extra day in the week, a secret one that no one else knows about where I can knit and write and correspond with friends, maintain relationships, change litterboxes, sit still for more than 10 minutes without feeling like I should be staring at a computer or worrying about what I should be doing but am not. I seem to have gotten myself onto a human-sized hamster wheel. And what’s worse, I think the wheel has come free of it’s cage because I feel really far away from my life. Everything feels very automated and rushed. Even leisurely activities have a time slot in my head. And rather than enjoying them, I find myself thinking about what I need to do one the rest period is over.

And what’s even worse is that I’m really starting to annoy myself. The constant second-guessing of myself, the worries about who I am and just who the hell do I think I am (two very different things, I assure you). Worries about book sales and publicity and future projects are just swirling around and I can barely see past them. If I could see past them, I’d realize just how lucky I am that I have a job that allows me the freedom to take off for signings and events. And that my friends and family are really understanding with my even shorter-than-before-term-memory issues and lack of even the most rudimentary social skills. And that my husband is the most patient man on earth, because anyone else would have packed up and left by now, but instead, he does the laundry.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that hot damn, I’m tired and frustrated and freaking out just the tiniest bit and thanks for hanging in there. I blog regularly throughout the day in my head, it just never seems to get to the screen. I think I need to allow, no, demand a chunk of time every day for some quiet time. When I don’t think about work or the book or all the trappings that go along with it. This isn’t a promise to blog more because let’s face it, I’ve never been prolific. But it is a promise to remember to stop and enjoy my life, and a big part of that is writing and knitting.

‚ 

READ FULL STORY

A Limited Time Offer Just For YOU!

Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants 26 COMMENTS

Ditch the needles, put the yarn in the disposal, tuck that pattern where the sun don’t shine! You don’t need ANY of it now that there’s something new. Something amazing. Something that will keep your panty parts fresh for days with a space-age airtight seal!

That’s right – straight from the locker room at NASA to you, it’s . . .

Just point and shoot! Available in Jumpsuit and Hotpant.

And if you order now, you’ll get a free VacuWig – it’s a hairstyle, it’s a facelift, it’s the only ‘do on the market with lab tested all-over skin lift technology. Simply set the braided dial to your preferred tension level and experience anti-gravity as you’ve never felt it before.

And now . . .

Pantsuit Pour L’Homme!

READ FULL STORY