Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On November - 26 - 2006   ShareThis

Just in time for the holidays! It’s the new Home Plastic Surgery Kit from StitchCo! Just slip it on and follow the easy-to-follow color-coded cut lines. Refresh a hairline that isn’t just receding, it’s gone into full fledged retreat. Tighten droopy eyes which are no doubt suffering the ravages of your non-stop sobbing. Lift up those lumps of glutinous dough you used to call a jawline and for heaven’s sake, just pick one chin and stick with it while you’re digging around in there. And feel free to do something about those earlobes, too.

This ski mask gets extra points for thoughtfully including a faithful replica of this man’s weeping cold sores. Might as well warn the snow bunnies right up front, eh? And toss in some gin blossoms while you’re at it.

Will you just look into those eye? This kid is pleading for his mom to just forget what he said about becoming a model and drive him right back to school as soon as possible. Like now. That little eyebrow of despair speaks volumes, let’s listen . . . “Please, mom? For the love of all that is holy, mom? Please can we please leave please? I’ll never ask for anything or come up with any other big ideas about my future again, I swear. Take me right to the dentist or the nursing home so I can visit with strange old people, I don’t care. I’ll go anywhere. I’ll clean the hamster cage every day. Please?”

P.S. From the description: “Warm little Indian wears his feathers knitted over pipe cleaners, his war paint of duplicate stitch.” uhhhh-huh . . . and people wonder why ancient Native American burial grounds fight back.

It’s too late for Sally. The darkness has got her now. She’s no longer the girl we loved, the transformation has already begun. Soon she’ll be coming for us and unless you’re aching for a set of acrylic bangs, I suggest we run.

P.S. From the description: “Fringed yarn bangs and pompon “hair” are amusing.” I think they used waaay too few quotation marks. Tell me, doesn’t this make more sense: “Fringed yarn “bangs” and “pompon” “hair” are “amusing”.”

Now, this family of ski masks already made the rounds on the internets a long time ago. I wouldn’t re-hash them if I didn’t have a really good reason. I’m sure everyone who has ever seen these things has laughed and recoiled in horror and thought “Who would ever make something like this?” And because the way the human brain has evolved, there are built-in protections for our delicate psyches. We tell ourselves that obviously no one has ever made one. How could they? It’s just too much to fathom.

Well, in the immortal words of Danny Bonaduce, I am about to shake your foundation. I will shake the f’ing rafters. Nobody’ll be the same.

This is 6-year-old Charles C. In 1966, he lived in Mogador, Ohio. I guess that would make him 46 now. This was his mom’s first knitting project. I know this photo looks like surveillance camera footage from some crazed, yarn-fueled crime spree, and who could blame the little guy. But in actuality, his mom was so proud, she sent it to McCalls magazine so they could put it in the section of the magazine called “Show Us How You Did It With Snaps!” (snaps, in this case, being snapshots. Although maybe the hat could benefit from some extra closures) Charles, email me. Seriously, we need to talk.

*And before you ask, I can’t post the pattern or send it out. I just don’t feel comfortable doing it for copyright reasons. Sorry, it’s just better this way, I mean, you don’t really want to make one of these, do you? Consider it a public service.

59 Responses

  1. Diane says:

    Classic bank robbers wear !LOL
    Imagine the description given to the cops???
    Very scary indeed….

  2. cyn says:

    Thanks Deb. I’ve got nightmare material for weeks, maybe months, now. A big thank you for NOT posting a pattern, though I’m sure someone who’s determined enough can figure it out. . None of these made it into the traveling trunk show, did they?

  3. Suebob says:

    I am ruined. Ruined.

  4. April says:

    why? WHY? WHYYYYY?

    And now I have a new phobia.

    **twitch, twitch**

  5. Erin says:

    My first response is my truest. I merely screamed loudly, bringing family members running. Perhaps now they can nurse my shattered psyche back to health.

    Are people like this really out there? Gad, there must be!

  6. Patricia says:

    Thank you thank you- I was in a laughter deficit- I think I’m caught up now.

  7. Steph Bolinger says:

    ROFL My daughter looked at these and said slowly “Are those wrestler’s masks? You know, like those fake wrestlers on TV wear?” Too funny!!

  8. maryse says:

    i hope you hear from charles .. and not from prison or a psych ward … so we know that he turned out ok … let’s hope.

  9. Jenn says:

    With with Steph’s daughter on this. It really looks like knitting and Mexican wrestling have collided…

    And it’s muy feo.

  10. jeanne says:

    Oh, Lord… who was that serial killer who dressed up as a clown – Ed Gein? GAH!!! I thought the first hat looked like him in full clown make-up, which was bad enough, but EACH ONE IS CREEPIER THAN THE LAST!

    ::shaky, muttering:: this is really bad, I need to turn on more lights or find my old teddy bear or something…

  11. Sara says:

    Is this what the holidays look like at Michael(Halloween)Myers’ house? Is that Mrs. Myers, Michael’s not yet homicidal brother Ralph, and the twins? Dear lord!

  12. knittykitty says:

    These make the rounds every year and every year, they get scarier. I have nightmares just looking at them. Make it stop!

  13. ak says:

    I recognize these designs. They’re from a short-lived, ill-conceived period in which the Irish Republican Army attempted to spruce up their image. Enough with the black balaclavas and olive fatigues! Let’s have something more cheerful!

  14. yippeekelly says:

    I feel I must confess, I wore those as a child. It was Michigan. It was very cold. My aunts and grandma made them along with sweaters, mittens and a fabulous green poncho that I wore the heck out of. As I scrolled down I kept saying out loud, to myself,” Its really not that bad.”- until I saw that one child/model’s eyes. Yes, it was that bad. I’m fortunate to have survived to become a moderately functional adult. This is a real breakthrough for me. Thank you for the opportunity to grow and heal-

  15. Carissa says:

    This mask was designed by the devil to frighten naughty clowns. *

  16. Carissa says:

    My comment above was just for the first mask, when I scrolled down and saw the other ones I gasped in horror. The only thing that they would be suitable for would be total humiliation for a condemned man (woman) at a public hanging!

  17. Megan says:

    Now I know where the Insane Clown Posse got their name.

  18. Jenn says:

    You know, it really would make an excellent new horror movie villain. Like the aforementioned Michael Myers, Pinhead, etc.

    I think the killer’s weapon of choice could be knitting needles. Hmm… All it needs now is a catchy title…

  19. Lily says:

    I think I . . .


  20. No one says:

    I think I just died

  21. BJ says:

    Oh dear. I fear for the model’s sanity. Maybe they live normal lives now. Maybe they truned out ok. Maybe the commited honorable suicide, rather than wear one more of those… interesting masks.

  22. Cynthia says:

    I think they’re pretty funny, in a goofy sort of way. And although I had to dig deep in my giant stack o’ knitting magazines to find it …. I have the patterns! Aren’t my kids the lucky ones?

  23. An excellent way to freak kids out on the slopes: John Wayne Gacy meets Glen Plake.

  24. Linda Newill says:

    My son sent me the linik along with a thank you for never making one of these horrors for him or his siblings. Every once in a while I will show my family a pattern and tell them that just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean you should do a thing. These abominations are perfect examples.

  25. the says:

    I’m late to seeing this, but I just wanted to let you know that these would haunt my nightmares forever. Thanks!

  26. (happy holidays to you, in part two of my comment – duhr – hope all is merry!)

  27. Amie says:

    There is something truly evil looking about every one of those masks. SCARY.

  28. floresita says:

    When I first saw this post I thought to myself “Surely no one ever, ever really wore these?”

    Then I watched the Twilight Zone marathon on New Year’s day (ever watch the one where the mannequin thinks she is a human?) There it was – one of the creepy face-covering ski masks! :)

  29. Oh THANKS so much for these. That is the biggest, rolling on the floor – I actually fell off my chair, laugh that I’ve had in god only knows when.

    bless you!

  30. Diana says:

    While I was in Peru a few months ago, I got to see a huge festival. Many of the participants were wearing full-face balaclavas with mustaches and lips and eyes sewn on. I almost regret not buying one of these treasures in the market, but now that I’ve seen these, boy, I don’t know which is better!

  31. bugzila 2001 says:

    On the other mitt, I’m looking for just such a bit of headgear for a play we’re producing in Minot, ND, called Burglars, Bunglers and Neighborhood Thieves. So if someone COULD send me a pattern…

  32. Fran says:

    I have been looking for this pattern for a long time. My grandaughter has to wear one to play outside and I cant find one. I dont want the creepy just the basic. I would very much appreciate it.

  33. Shirley says:

    I would really love to have this
    ski mask pattern. It’s so my
    husband can hide from the geese
    that he’s hunting. I need to knit
    one of these in pure white (to hide
    in the snow and still be able to see).

  34. ellie dodge says:

    been looking all over for pattern for the men”s ski mask. just what i was looking for

  35. kathy says:

    I must be real weird too cos I’d just luv to make one of these for pressies. I think they’re great! Where can you get the patterns ?

  36. kathy says:

    Sorry forgot to mention that I only just found you from the Simply Knitting magazine in the UK – luv your site.

  37. BIG D says:


  38. Hazel says:

    They are just a whole bowl of wrong! I love them

  39. thorn says:

    so *that’s* where the makeup design for darth maul came from.

  40. adad says:

    slipknot will be using these in their new album

  41. See-ming Lee says:

    Oh my god. This is so random. very crazy. I like! :)


  42. Chris says:

    This is priceless! I laughed until I cried at other postings!

  43. Mama Z says:

    Dear God save us all!!!

  44. Amanda says:

    I’d LOVE to make that first mask! Maybe it would frighten drivers away from me when I’m on my bike — or it *might* encourage them to try harder to run me down. Either way, I’d love to see people’s expressions when I show up on campus wearing it.

  45. A says:

    I seriously thought the third one was a chicken mask.

  46. T says:

    Hi. I would actually really like to have the pattern. I need to knit a ski mask with the same design–but in one single colour. I haven’t been able to find anything else on the internet. Can anyone help?

  47. Donny13 says:

    I too need this ski mask pattern any HELP out there

  48. Josee says:

    I have this pattern if anyone is interested. I’ve knitted it up before using only one color and it turned out real nice.

  49. kAREN says:


  50. CBD says:

    i visit this page every couple of months, they never fail to make me laugh so hard. i may even have a child just so i can put one in it.

  51. Caveman says:

    The paterns can be found at
    Have fun everyone I expect to see lots of them on the ski slopes.
    Yes I am a wool sadist at heart.

  52. christain says:

    I wish I had children so I could make these and force them to wear them to school.

  53. Kim says:

    Will someone please send a condolence package containing the clown/rooster ensemble (pictured in the “snap”)to Palin as we ship her back to Alaska?

  54. Mary says:

    My mother had a stash of Mccalls Needledwork and Crafts going back to the late 40’s. Of course Dad insisted that they be dumped when we moved. I have about 3 issues that I snuck out but I missed this issue (Thank God). But I do remember my mom looking at these and slowly saying to me “You don’t want me to make these, do you?” I think she was relieved when I asked for a Scandanavian Ski Dress (Fall-Winter 67-68) which I still have even though I was 16 when she made it and I’m 50 now. Such is a good mother’s love.

  55. pstoyanowski says:

    Is there a pattern somewhere on this

  56. Mary says:

    I think I will make one. since I gained 200 lbs,. I’m ashamed of myself. This way noone will know who I am when I’m at the local supermarket buying all my food. hahah. I just found the pattern too.

  57. joe says:


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