Check it out! I just got the director’s cut of Alfred Hitchcock’s long forgotten Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

*Spoiler alert*

In yet another fine example of Yarn Noir, Hitchcock puts his signature twist on a tired old story. Rather than casting actual bears for this film, he seems to have hired two lambs and some sort of wolf-bear hybrid. In a stunning turn of events, we learn that the chairs were rigged and the porridge was poisoned!

Goldie was a tough dame with killer gams, but she was also a double-crossing spy who got in way over her head. She thought she was dealing with a furry family of simpletons whose primary motivation was quiet walk, and maybe a nice poo, in the woods. Little did she realize she was actually mixed up with sheep in wolf-bears’ clothing. Cruel, calculating, power hungry sheep determined to seize control of one of the largest mob families in the forest. They would run the Grizzbino crime syndicate, no matter who got in their way.

A must-see for the whole family, provided the kids don’t mind a blood-soaked adventure that’s positively Shakespearean in violence.

My hamp, my hamp, my lovely lady lamps!

Click here to Sing along!

What you gon’ make with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch some crap
Get you kitsch drunk off my lamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my lovely little lamps (Check it out)

I drive these crafters crazy,
I do it on the blogee,
They treat me really sweetly,
Though I post infrequey.

Red Heart and Lion-a
Orlon and Nylon-a
Caron, they be swearin’
All their cheap yarn I be wearin’ (not!)
Sister, I ain’t askin’,
They say they luv my sassin’
Someone screams, d’you want this?
I say no but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’
And now we can’t stop laughin’
We can keep on makin’
Fun of vintage fashion

My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lamps,
My lamp, my lamp, my lamp,
My lamps they got you,

She’s got me stitchin’
(Oh) Stitchin’ up this plastic canvas, this awful plastic canvas
She’s got me stitchin’
(oh) Stitching all this plastic uglee, uh-uglee, ugleee!

What you gon’ make with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch some bunk
Get you kitsch drunk off my lamp
What you gon’ do with all that canvas
All that canvas once it’s done?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
I fixed your room to fit the theme
Cos of my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my lovely lady lamps (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the craft sto’
She said hey hey hey, you sew!
I could be your baby, you could be my dummy
Let’s make crafts that aren’t crummy.
I mix your yarn wit my fun-fur stuff
Yarny, yarny fun-fur
Mix your yarn wit my fun-fur stuff, yarny, yarny riiiiiiiight.

They say I’m really crafty.
The boys they wanna be crafty
They always making macrame,
Always knitting next to me.
Tryin’ a steal my hamp, hamp.
Lookin’ at my lamp, lamp.
You can look but you can’t touch it.
If you touch it, I’ma start some drama,

Ok, wait a second. What the hell is this song about?? I’m no prude, but what kind of girl is this? I can’t make the whole art of craft fit into this seedy song. I need to go scrub my brain with a wire brush.

. . . . so then I said “Rectum? I nearly killed ’em!”

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

~sigh~ Good times.

Oh, hey! There you are. I thought you were just popping off to the bathroom and I’ve been waiting, I was starting to get worried. Where ya’ been?

That’s not working, is it?

Ok, well look, sometimes a gal just needs to take a bit of a break. And boy howdy, what a break it’s been! I have been more productive than I’ve been in a LONG time. Not as productive as some people (yay Beckett!), but I lit a fire under my butt (it was more of a raging blaze that may or may not have engulfed an entire seaside town) and returned to my crafty roots. The whole book thing, and worrying about potential future book things was getting way too freaking stressful, so I just kind of tuned in and dropped out. My attentions were refocused on my home, my husband and myself. Work has still been busy, but I’ve been using my spare time for fun stuff.

I do have an admission to make, my dear knitters. I’ve been unfaithful. I have fallen for a new siren’s song. Sure, I’ve dabbled in the past, but hadn’t done it in a long while and was really craving some instant gratification. I thought about how nice it would to use fabric that’s already made rather than knitting my own. It felt a little dirty at first, but with each thrusting pump of the pedal, it felt better and better. And now, well, now I’m addicted to sewing.

In the past two months, I’ve made four baby dresses, two baby shirts, a crib-sized quilt, some baby pants (they still need a waistband), and have amassed a collection of vintage fabric that has gotten my mailman toned up for the summer. Not only have I fallen off the eBay wagon, but the wagon has backed up and driven over me a number of times.

Here is Miss Ginger in a dress made from fabric I got in LA when I was in the company of HRH Lady Linoleum.

And here she is, kicking back with Uncle Jon. Yep, we’re really good babysitters. Her favorite movie is The Running Man. Vintage Ahnold cracks her up.

I have since shortened the dress so she doesn’t get stuck while crawling. As amusing as it is to watch, it must be annoying.

And here is my favorite detail.

Alas, buttons seems to be gnaw worthy in the Land of Ginger and she actually started to bite one of them off, so I replaced them with Velcro. And then she started with the Hulk impersonation and tearing the dress off. Ohhhkaaayyy. So I got the big guns and used Kellee’s new and astounding snap press. Very cool and it seems to have done the trick. She remains clothed and mobile, her airways are free and she looks rawkin’.

I made her another using fabric with pink poodles on a turquoise background. I don’t have a photo of that one yet, but the cotton is too . . . I dunno . . . cottony and comes out of the dryer very wrinkled. I was disappointed at that. I made another for our neighbor and will get a photo of that, too. And here is the fourth dress for one Ms. Bookish Sophia. It’s made using vintage Hawaiian fabric that has an amazing palette and great drape. Aloha, Sophia!

The nice thing about this dress is that it’s big enough to grow into. It’s got pleats at the top, so the body is very roomy. I dare say it can be worn for a year, from baby dress to toddler shirt and then on to the next babe.

And here is what I have titled the €œDaisy Mae Crazy€ halter top, modeled by one Miss Scarlet. I unraveled the bottom to make it look sort of ragged (there’s a hem above that section, so hopefully that’ll keep it from unraveling more) and made the ties out of a few strands of soft cotton twine from Home Depot that Jon and I plied with the drill. That was his brilliant idea. I love that you just see plain bandana material at first, then comes the crazy. Again, one to grow with.

She’s getting so big. She looks like a full-on kid, not a baby. Remember this?

How does that happen in a year and a half?

I made the same shirt for Ginger. I love making baby stuff, it takes no time at all.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. What about you? Did I miss anything?