No need to get the hose again. Now it can rub lotion on its skin in style with these Jame Gumb originals!

Use up all that leftover Butcher’s Twine from last week’s abduction to create these fun, restrainerific String Toppers! Now it’ll be happy to put the lotion in the basket, right Precious?

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Did it hear me? It puts the lotion in the basket.

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Put the #@*%ing lotion in the basket!!!

Spend your days relaxing poolside or floating around that bactieria frappe at your condo in confidence!

Whether emerging from your watery lair or descending into it, now you can count on the moisture-wicking capabilities of Suckcrylic brand fiber! Never again will you suffer the embarrassment of a sopping wet swimming sweater or a soggy hairpiece that leaks.*

*Warning: Suckrylic brand fiber makes no claims against Frightened Turtle Syndrome, commonly known as “shrinkag”. In cases of FTS lasting more than four hours, please consult a qualified knitter for a longer sweater.

This Kandy Klown is the worst of both worlds for a kid. Its arrival on Christmas morning could very possibly be enough of a buzz-kill to ruin the whole day. Pep-O-Mint is the least loved of all sugary confections. Well, it’s a close second to a giant block of sticky ribbon candy, anyway. Perching the decapitated head of a clown on top does nothing to add to its appeal. Graft on some ambiguous yarn limbs and you’ve got what grandma would call an “adorable treat” and what junior can’t wait to strap an entire package of firecrackers onto.

If these sleeveless sweaters (they’re NOT vests, dammit!) and their models aren’t sealed in a time capsule somewhere, they should be. They’re pretty much the embodiment of the free-wheelin’ 1970s. You’ve get yer diverse collection of bell-bottomed and go-go-booted citizens donning cultural icons like the Smiley Face, the Crazy Daisy, and the Rainbow Sternum. Their classic Sears Catalog posturing harkens back to a simpler time in our history. Goofy but cheerful, just like the 70s themselves, yes?

Uhh, no. The 70’s was not all smiles and flowers and technicolor ribs. There were Pilgrim-confused individuals with an Isaac Newton fetish, gals involved in lurid affairs with 50-foot women who left gaudy lipstick stains everywhere, and diamond-encrusted hunks stuffed into chunky corduroys.

In fact, let’s take a look at these crotch-poppers. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the finest example of the male camel toe we’ve ever see, affectionately known as . . . wait for it . . .

The Mooseknuckle!!!

It’s gonna get a little weird inside that time capsule.

Looks like Ted in the museum’s Acquisitions Dept. went on a bit of an eBay binge and got his first shipment today. It’s a winner, folks. A winner in a most peculiar sport. It’s like the Superbowl of Suckitude. A Marathon of Mocking. The Ididerod of Ick. A Cage Match of Crapola.

Here’s a quick preview of the new additions to the glittering Karma Chameleon Complex which houses our 1980’s collection.

This is the most attractivly proportioned pattern in the whole steaming heap. We might be mising a page because there was no mention of the new fangled 1980’s hands-free cellular telephone with cranial attachment strap.

This delightful sweater is the most eye-catching in the bunch. And not only is it eye-catching, it’s doorknob-catching, clotheshook-catching, and jewelry-catching. In fact, thanks to its patented SnagItAll technology, those handy loops will insure that you never have to purchase a spiral notebook again. Just choose from the wide array that you collect on your sleeves as you breeze through your day.

And these three pitcures are from just two pattern books. There are about 30 more in the box. You have been duly warned. We should probably warn the mailman, too. He always bears the brunt of Ted’s little book-buying sprees.