Now that yet another year has been heaped upon us, I suppose I should resolve to do something, right? And since I’m in Blogland, one would imagine it should be something blog-related. I guess I could post more, and I really should make some buttons for this blog. But who would even notice if I did this stuff?

Apparently those knotty gals at JenLa would. Imagine that. Jen and La put together a Best of ’04 list and I’m amazed to be mentioned in two categories. They are “Blog We’d Like to Pressure for More Posting” and “Blog We’d Most Like to Get a Button”. So it seems that I may not be one of the “Best” of ’04, but perhaps the “Laziest”. Ok, ok, I can take a hint. Luckily, I was able to fulfill at least one of their wishes, and I didn’t even have to get off my lazy ass to do it! So there! I will make with the monkey-dancing for their amusement when I’m good an ready. And when I get a proper fez.

Here are some goofy buttons I made to use to link to my site. I’m assuming everyone knows the drill, but I’ll say it anyway. If you want to use one (thank you in advance), please, please, PLEASE save it to your own computer and upload it from there rather than hotlinking to it directly from here. (do the old Right Click, Save Picture As thing).

Man, I am totally susceptible to peer pressure. It’s amazing I haven’t joined a gang by now. Wait, are we knitters considered a gang?

(Please let me know if these are ok or if they’re too big or anything. I really didn’t know what I was doing when making them and for all I know they’re too wide to fit into a sidebar.)

Ok ok, I did it. Like everyone else in Blogland, I made a List. It was really tedious, but kind of fun in a “Hey, look at me!” kind of way. I guess I was feeling sentimental after the Pixies reunion show last night, so I figured a little self-exploration was in order. The Pixies, by the way, were great. Kim Deal kicks ass in 9 different directions. The crowd was an interesting mix of 30-somethings who are just a bit worse for the wear, and a younger folks who look like we 30-somethings used to before said wear. The show was at the Tsongas Arena in Lowell and was not the best venue. It was weird enough when they made everyone throw their cigarettes and lighters into the trash, but what really got me was that they herded everyone out through one main exit. They actually blocked the other exits! It was a major accident waiting to happen. If there had been a fire, it would have been a bad scene. Wow. I sound like someone’s mother. Anyhoo, the show got me thinking about where I was when I was listening to the Pixies music for the first time and where I am now. I’ve come a long way, baby.

Alright, here’s my list. I won’t be offended if you only slog your way through the first handful. This was mostly an exercise for me, but I might as well share. I threw some pictures in here and there to keep it interesting.

1. I have far exceded my own expectations for myself. This is mainly because I don’t usually set expectations. But I’m quite happy with the life I’ve carved out for myself.

2. I was born and bred in Manchester, NH.

3. I was a cute kid.

4. My parents are still married.

5. I have a brother who is two years older than me.

6. My brother and I had a love/hate relationship from day one. We were constantly fighting and antagonizing each other, and yet we always wanted to be together. We were partners in crime. I love him to smithereens.

7. I moved out of the house when I was 17.

8. I didn’t really want to go to college and only applied to one place.

9. I went to Mass College of Art for photography.

10. My brother also went there.

11. My husband also went there.

12. I dropped out after two years because for me, nothing sucks the joy out of
art like dissecting it.

13. The most fulfilling job I ever had was working with teens who had developmental and behavioral disorders. It was both physically and emotionally exhausting, but it felt really good. I learned way more from them than they did from me. I don’t know how to change a baby’s diaper, but I do know how to change a 17-year-old’s. It was life-altering, humbling, grounding, aggrivating, excruciating, frightening, enlightening, shocking, amazing. When I really start to get down, I remind myself that as long as I can take care of my own bathroom needs, I’m doing ok. It’s also nice to know that no one at my present job is going to bite me. At least not without provocation.

14. I am now a programmer at a software company.

15. I got my start as a programmer when I was a bored receptionist. I taught myself how to use a couple of different pieces of software and the Director of Technology asked if I was interested in learning some programming skills. I said yes and have worked for him at three different jobs. I am one of four founding members in the company he started two years ago. I am very lucky.

16. I am living proof that you can get ahead if you are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty, even without them fancy learnin’ papers.

17. I own a 3-family house with my brother and my best friend. Jon and I live on the third floor, my friend is on the second, my brother and his wife are on the first.

18. I have 4 cats, Chloe, Dot, Chi-Chi, and Mike. I am allergic to cats and have to take 3 kinds of allergy and asthsma medicines daily so I can live with them.

19. I used to work at a costume shop.

20. When I was little, there was a small plaque hanging at the end of the hallway in our house. On it was a sad-looking white dog (Bijon Frise, maybe?) and an “inspirational” saying. I looked at it every day for years. It became something of a mantra and very well could have made me the person I am today. It said “Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.” Umm, thanks?

21. I have a hard time saying things simply and tend to get verbose and anecdotalize everything until suddenly I can’t just list something, it has to become a long, involved story.

22. I am an eBay junkie. I have been clean on and off for the last 7 years. Since I began knitting, I have fallen off the wagon. Hard.

23. I laugh inappropriately when I’m nervous.

24. I hate March. I think it’s nature’s way of toying with humans. It tricks you into thinking spring is right around the corner, that tomorrow could be warm, that you will soon be able to feel your finger and toes. And every year I fall for it. Then we get hit with the coldest, nastiest weather of the season. Lousy Smarch weather.

25. I love the Simpsons.

26. I hate March so much that I scheduled our wedding in March so we could have something to look forward to and use it as an excuse to get away for a week.

27. Jon and I were married in a nightclub/bowling alley.

28. I got my wedding dress from eBay. It’s a bright red Hawaiian print halter dress from the 1940’s.

29. Jon and about 95% of our guests also wore Hawaiian prints. My dad’s shirt matched my mom’s muu muu.

30. When I was in grammar school, I used to lend my brother my allowance and charge him exhorbedent amounts of interest. My father is still proud of that.

31. In high school, I used to collect bottle caps from the wine coolers he and his friends drank (it was the 80’s, Bartyles and James were kings among teens). I hid them, moving them often to thwart snoopers. When I was in need of a chore or just wanted to be amused, I would shake the caps in my cupped hands menacingly and force my brother to do my bidding.

32. I save goofy sentimental things almost to the point of mental illness. Among many things, I have the first book report I ever did (on Paddington Bear), tests and workbooks from throughout grammar school, letters from Pen Pals I don’t even remember having, the bill from the mechanic when I crashed my mom’s car in high school, pieces of a color theory project from art school that I never finished, just about every ticket to every concert I’ve ever gone to, name tags from every job where I had to wear a name tag, and a small mass of circles made out of masking tape that my brother stuck to our cat, Penelope, when he was about 14. He said he was making her a leopard. After removing them from the poor beast, I tucked them away to used as blackmail at a later date. They still have her fur on them and I think about having her cloned every once in a while.

33. My brother and I can still get each other going and my mom still yells at us to behave ourselves at holidays.

34. I used to have a 1976 Dodge dart named Flamey. She was black with flames.

35. As a child, I was terrified of dogs. I’m not any more, but if I see a large dog running nearby, I do get a little panicked.

36. I was, am, and always will be afraid of clowns.

37. I worked for a party clown for a few years. She understood my Coulrophobia and kept her distance when she was in her makeup.

38. My favorite costumes to wear to kid’s parties were the cowgirl and pirate’s wench.

39. My least favorite was Christmas Elf. It came with an implied sense of cheer. My Elf name was “Surly”. Luckily, no one ever asked. David Sedaris’ “Santaland Diaries” holds a special place in my heart.

40. I can make simple balloon animals and have my own face-painting kit. I do a really good tiger.

41. If I were stranded on a desert island with only on CD, it would be “The Heart of Saturday Night” by Tom Waits. Then I would make a raft out of coconuts and monkey pelt so I could sail somewhere to get the rest of his CDs. I’d sail right back, I promise.

42. I think “Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars” is one of the best albums ever. Every song is the best song on the record.

43. Prince is partially responsible for my marriage.

44. Music is really important to me and often a song can bring me right back to a specific point in time. I could make a 100 list of music way easier than I could about myself.

45. I would give almost anything to spend the day going to yard sales with John Waters.

46. One of my all-time favorite movies is “The Shawshank Redemption”.

47. I’m one of those people who is always using quotes from movies in everyday conversation.

48. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever encountered.

49. I love me some Johnny Depp (referred to by my brother and I as “the Deppster”). I have since the first time I saw “21 Jump Street”.

50. My friend Charlene and I drove across the country and camped along the way.

51. On this trip I learned that in some desert campgrounds, they use sprinklers to keep little trees near the sites alive. I only learned this after I had leapt onto the picnic table and was trying to think of a way to jump onto the car and get in from the roof. Sprinklers sound remarkably like rattlesnakes, especially in the middle of the night at the Homolovi Ruins State Park. I wish I had a picture of the look on Charlene’s face when she finally convinced me that the hoses weren’t going to strike.

52. Charlene and I also kayaked through mangrove tunnels in the Florida Everglades on a self guided tour (aka. Just the two of us and a map in the middle of a swamp with mosquitos, spiders, snakes and alligators). It took us four hours and by the end of it, we felt like we had been through the jungles of Viet Nam. One day I will recount this story. Perhaps when I get back from Florida next week and we’ve had a much less harrowing adventure at Disney’s Hoop Dee Doo Revue.

53. On yet another camping trip with Charlene, this time in Joshua Tree National Park,
it was very cold when we went to sleep. We layered our clothes, zipped up our sleeping bags, and hunkered down in our tent. By the time morning came and the sun was up, we were baking like burritos. It was just so hot! Charlene woke up first, realized how hot it was, and sort of assumed for a moment that I was dead. From the heat. She woke me up and we couldn’t stop laughing because it was just so hot. I’m laughing as I type this, it was just that hot. We wrestled oursleves out of our sleeping bags and started tearing off our layers. She finally had the idea to open the tent flap. All the while, we’re laughing hysterically and repeating “It’s so HOT!” over and over. This was at least 10 years ago and to this day, I can look at Charlene and say, completely out of the blue, “God, it was just so hot.” and we’ll both start giggling uncontrollably.

54. Charlene and I are just as close as if we were sisters. She will always be my best friend. It says so on the 30-year mortgage we took out together.

55. I think she and I should write a travel guide.

56. The first page of that travel guide will say “When camping in the desert, we have learned that it is wise to take more than Pringles, wine, and pot.”

57. On our first date, I showed Jon how to make a joint by emptying a cigarette and carefully packing the weed in.

58. I quit smoking shortly after we started dating. He still feels kind of ripped off. He thought he was getting a wild and crazy party girl.

59. I think marijuana should be legalized and regulated in a similar way that alcohol is.

60. I love mid-century antiques. My kitchen is decorated with mostly stuff from the 40’s, even the wallpaper (thank you eBay!).

61. I have a tattoo and I don’t really like it. I want to get it redesigned. It’s barbed wire. I was an angry 20-year-old.

62. I can’t believe anyone is still reading this.

63. Jon and I would like to have a kid or two some day.

64. We like Jake for a boy’s name, and Lela for a girl. Jake and Lela.

65. My parents’ names are Jack and Stella. I didn’t notice the similarities in our potential kids name to theirs for a while.

66. We have agreed that if we don’t have kids, we’re going to train a helper monkey. Neither of us is sure if we’re kidding or not.

67. I love monkeys. I also just love the word “monkey”.

68. I’ve always considered myself fairly mature.

69. hee hee . . . 69!

70. When I’m really upset, it’s best to ignore me and I’ll get over it.

71. I use way too much ketchup.

72. I like Oprah. She seems really nice.

73. When I was little, Mickey Dolenz was my favorite Monkee. As I matured, I switched to Mike Nesmith.

74. My bologna has a first name. It’s O-s-c-a-r.

75. I won the smile contest on the Uncle Gus show (a local kid’s show in my hometown) when I was about 7 or 8. I won a tube of toothpaste with Tweety Bird on it. The kid who named all the states got a talking View Master. Figures the one time I used my looks to get something, the guy with the brains got the good stuff.

76. I get lost or take wrong turns while driving all the time. Like 75% of the
time. Well, maybe not that much, but a lot. Seriously.

77. I am not a punctual person and I know it’s rude and I try to be on time, but my internal clock is all screwy and I can’t help it. I’m sorry.

78. My memory is awful and although I can remember things from my childhood, I barely have any recollection of last week. Often I will forget something moments after I am told.

79. If I am in a meeting for more than 15 minutes, assume that I am no longer able to pay attention. I have been in one-to-one meetings with bosses where my mind is comsumed with this inner dialogue: “I need to pay attention. Pay attention! I really should be listening. This is bad, why can’t I pay attention? I’m going to be screwed, I have no idea what this person is saying. What did he just say? Can he tell I have no idea what he’s saying? Pay attention.” One would think I could put all that energy into paying attention rather than distracting myself by telling myself to pay attention, wouldn’t you? Nope.

80. I can do fine motor stuff (knitting, sculpting, other crafty stuff) for hours on end and not lose focus (or get up to got to the bathroom).

81. I am very non-confrontational and I like it that way.

82. My favorite food is sushi. Second is Indian.

83. My least favorite food is anything made with goat’s milk.

84. The best cake I ever made used a cake mold shaped like a big dress and a Joey Lawrence doll.

85. For Christmas last year, I made a Buche de Noel, complete with meringue mushrooms. Jon made a squirrel out of almond paste to top it off.

86. As stressful as it is, I love holiday cooking.

87. I lived with my brother in Los Angeles for about a year in the early 90’s. I worked at a comedy club (I’ve handed paychecks to Drew Carey and Jimmy Walker, among others)

88. If my friends here had been out there with me, I probably would not have moved back so soon. There’s a lot of fun to be had there if you’re in the right headspace. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. I overlooked a lot of good opportunities in LA LA Land.

89. I don’t really have a any solid goals for the future and it kind of worries me. Then I remember that I never have and things worked out pretty well on their own.

90. I’m agnostic, but still feel occasional pangs of superstition and guilt that are left over from my Catholic upbringing.

91. My brother and I were eventually not allowed to sit together in church because we were too disruptive.

92. From looking at my list, my brother figures very heavily in how I define myself. I don’t consider this a bad thing as I think he’s very cool.

93. I like to read directions before I proceed.

94. Mr. Winkle
makes me squeal like a little girl. If loving Mr. Winkle is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

95. I love super dark chocolate. I prefer dry and bitter to creamy and sweet.

96. I love pop culture and the irony and ridiculouslness within.

97. Humor is vital to my existence.

98. I firmly believe that things are as they are meant to be. Sometimes. Sort of. Ok, change that “firmly believe that” to “I wonder if”.

99. I do not have any firm philosopical, theological, or supernatural theories. One day I think one thing, the next it’s something different. I kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of gal most times and that’s cool. Whatever. As long as no one is trying to impose their beliefs on me, I’m fine.

100. I can really go on and on about myself, huh?

Ok ok, I did it. Like everyone else in Blogland, I made a List. It was really tedious, but kind of fun in a “Hey, look at me!” kind of way. I guess I was feeling sentimental after the Pixies reunion show last night, so I figured a little self-exploration was in order. The Pixies, by the way, were great. Kim Deal kicks ass in 9 different directions. The crowd was an interesting mix of 30-somethings who are just a bit worse for the wear, and a younger folks who look like we 30-somethings used to before said wear. The show was at the Tsongas Arena in Lowell and was not the best venue. It was weird enough when they made everyone throw their cigarettes and lighters into the trash, but what really got me was that they herded everyone out through one main exit. They actually blocked the other exits! It was a major accident waiting to happen. If there had been a fire, it would have been a bad scene. Wow. I sound like someone’s mother. Anyhoo, the show got me thinking about where I was when I was listening to the Pixies music for the first time and where I am now. I’ve come a long way, baby.

Alright, here’s my list. I won’t be offended if you only slog your way through the first handful. This was mostly an exercise for me, but I might as well share. I threw some pictures in here and there to keep it interesting.

1. I have far exceded my own expectations for myself. This is mainly because I don’t usually set expectations. But I’m quite happy with the life I’ve carved out for myself.

2. I was born and bred in Manchester, NH.

3. I was a cute kid.

4. My parents are still married.

5. I have a brother who is two years older than me.

6. My brother and I had a love/hate relationship from day one. We were constantly fighting and antagonizing each other, and yet we always wanted to be together. We were partners in crime. I love him to smithereens.

7. I moved out of the house when I was 17.

8. I didn’t really want to go to college and only applied to one place.

9. I went to Mass College of Art for photography.

10. My brother also went there.

11. My husband also went there.

12. I dropped out after two years because for me, nothing sucks the joy out of
art like dissecting it.

13. The most fulfilling job I ever had was working with teens who had developmental and behavioral disorders. It was both physically and emotionally exhausting, but it felt really good. I learned way more from them than they did from me. I don’t know how to change a baby’s diaper, but I do know how to change a 17-year-old’s. It was life-altering, humbling, grounding, aggrivating, excruciating, frightening, enlightening, shocking, amazing. When I really start to get down, I remind myself that as long as I can take care of my own bathroom needs, I’m doing ok. It’s also nice to know that no one at my present job is going to bite me. At least not without provocation.

14. I am now a programmer at a software company.

15. I got my start as a programmer when I was a bored receptionist. I taught myself how to use a couple of different pieces of software and the Director of Technology asked if I was interested in learning some programming skills. I said yes and have worked for him at three different jobs. I am one of four founding members in the company he started two years ago. I am very lucky.

16. I am living proof that you can get ahead if you are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty, even without them fancy learnin’ papers.

17. I own a 3-family house with my brother and my best friend. Jon and I live on the third floor, my friend is on the second, my brother and his wife are on the first.

18. I have 4 cats, Chloe, Dot, Chi-Chi, and Mike. I am allergic to cats and have to take 3 kinds of allergy and asthsma medicines daily so I can live with them.

19. I used to work at a costume shop.

20. When I was little, there was a small plaque hanging at the end of the hallway in our house. On it was a sad-looking white dog (Bijon Frise, maybe?) and an “inspirational” saying. I looked at it every day for years. It became something of a mantra and very well could have made me the person I am today. It said “Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.” Umm, thanks?

21. I have a hard time saying things simply and tend to get verbose and anecdotalize everything until suddenly I can’t just list something, it has to become a long, involved story.

22. I am an eBay junkie. I have been clean on and off for the last 7 years. Since I began knitting, I have fallen off the wagon. Hard.

23. I laugh inappropriately when I’m nervous.

24. I hate March. I think it’s nature’s way of toying with humans. It tricks you into thinking spring is right around the corner, that tomorrow could be warm, that you will soon be able to feel your finger and toes. And every year I fall for it. Then we get hit with the coldest, nastiest weather of the season. Lousy Smarch weather.

25. I love the Simpsons.

26. I hate March so much that I scheduled our wedding in March so we could have something to look forward to and use it as an excuse to get away for a week.

27. Jon and I were married in a nightclub/bowling alley.

28. I got my wedding dress from eBay. It’s a bright red Hawaiian print halter dress from the 1940’s.

29. Jon and about 95% of our guests also wore Hawaiian prints. My dad’s shirt matched my mom’s muu muu.

30. When I was in grammar school, I used to lend my brother my allowance and charge him exhorbedent amounts of interest. My father is still proud of that.

31. In high school, I used to collect bottle caps from the wine coolers he and his friends drank (it was the 80’s, Bartyles and James were kings among teens). I hid them, moving them often to thwart snoopers. When I was in need of a chore or just wanted to be amused, I would shake the caps in my cupped hands menacingly and force my brother to do my bidding.

32. I save goofy sentimental things almost to the point of mental illness. Among many things, I have the first book report I ever did (on Paddington Bear), tests and workbooks from throughout grammar school, letters from Pen Pals I don’t even remember having, the bill from the mechanic when I crashed my mom’s car in high school, pieces of a color theory project from art school that I never finished, just about every ticket to every concert I’ve ever gone to, name tags from every job where I had to wear a name tag, and a small mass of circles made out of masking tape that my brother stuck to our cat, Penelope, when he was about 14. He said he was making her a leopard. After removing them from the poor beast, I tucked them away to used as blackmail at a later date. They still have her fur on them and I think about having her cloned every once in a while.

33. My brother and I can still get each other going and my mom still yells at us to behave ourselves at holidays.

34. I used to have a 1976 Dodge dart named Flamey. She was black with flames.

35. As a child, I was terrified of dogs. I’m not any more, but if I see a large dog running nearby, I do get a little panicked.

36. I was, am, and always will be afraid of clowns.

37. I worked for a party clown for a few years. She understood my Coulrophobia and kept her distance when she was in her makeup.

38. My favorite costumes to wear to kid’s parties were the cowgirl and pirate’s wench.

39. My least favorite was Christmas Elf. It came with an implied sense of cheer. My Elf name was “Surly”. Luckily, no one ever asked. David Sedaris’ “Santaland Diaries” holds a special place in my heart.

40. I can make simple balloon animals and have my own face-painting kit. I do a really good tiger.

41. If I were stranded on a desert island with only on CD, it would be “The Heart of Saturday Night” by Tom Waits. Then I would make a raft out of coconuts and monkey pelt so I could sail somewhere to get the rest of his CDs. I’d sail right back, I promise.

42. I think “Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars” is one of the best albums ever. Every song is the best song on the record.

43. Prince is partially responsible for my marriage.

44. Music is really important to me and often a song can bring me right back to a specific point in time. I could make a 100 list of music way easier than I could about myself.

45. I would give almost anything to spend the day going to yard sales with John Waters.

46. One of my all-time favorite movies is “The Shawshank Redemption”.

47. I’m one of those people who is always using quotes from movies in everyday conversation.

48. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever encountered.

49. I love me some Johnny Depp (referred to by my brother and I as “the Deppster”). I have since the first time I saw “21 Jump Street”.

50. My friend Charlene and I drove across the country and camped along the way.

51. On this trip I learned that in some desert campgrounds, they use sprinklers to keep little trees near the sites alive. I only learned this after I had leapt onto the picnic table and was trying to think of a way to jump onto the car and get in from the roof. Sprinklers sound remarkably like rattlesnakes, especially in the middle of the night at the Homolovi Ruins State Park. I wish I had a picture of the look on Charlene’s face when she finally convinced me that the hoses weren’t going to strike.

52. Charlene and I also kayaked through mangrove tunnels in the Florida Everglades on a self guided tour (aka. Just the two of us and a map in the middle of a swamp with mosquitos, spiders, snakes and alligators). It took us four hours and by the end of it, we felt like we had been through the jungles of Viet Nam. One day I will recount this story. Perhaps when I get back from Florida next week and we’ve had a much less harrowing adventure at Disney’s Hoop Dee Doo Revue.

53. On yet another camping trip with Charlene, this time in Joshua Tree National Park,
it was very cold when we went to sleep. We layered our clothes, zipped up our sleeping bags, and hunkered down in our tent. By the time morning came and the sun was up, we were baking like burritos. It was just so hot! Charlene woke up first, realized how hot it was, and sort of assumed for a moment that I was dead. From the heat. She woke me up and we couldn’t stop laughing because it was just so hot. I’m laughing as I type this, it was just that hot. We wrestled oursleves out of our sleeping bags and started tearing off our layers. She finally had the idea to open the tent flap. All the while, we’re laughing hysterically and repeating “It’s so HOT!” over and over. This was at least 10 years ago and to this day, I can look at Charlene and say, completely out of the blue, “God, it was just so hot.” and we’ll both start giggling uncontrollably.

54. Charlene and I are just as close as if we were sisters. She will always be my best friend. It says so on the 30-year mortgage we took out together.

55. I think she and I should write a travel guide.

56. The first page of that travel guide will say “When camping in the desert, we have learned that it is wise to take more than Pringles, wine, and pot.”

57. On our first date, I showed Jon how to make a joint by emptying a cigarette and carefully packing the weed in.

58. I quit smoking shortly after we started dating. He still feels kind of ripped off. He thought he was getting a wild and crazy party girl.

59. I think marijuana should be legalized and regulated in a similar way that alcohol is.

60. I love mid-century antiques. My kitchen is decorated with mostly stuff from the 40’s, even the wallpaper (thank you eBay!).

61. I have a tattoo and I don’t really like it. I want to get it redesigned. It’s barbed wire. I was an angry 20-year-old.

62. I can’t believe anyone is still reading this.

63. Jon and I would like to have a kid or two some day.

64. We like Jake for a boy’s name, and Lela for a girl. Jake and Lela.

65. My parents’ names are Jack and Stella. I didn’t notice the similarities in our potential kids name to theirs for a while.

66. We have agreed that if we don’t have kids, we’re going to train a helper monkey. Neither of us is sure if we’re kidding or not.

67. I love monkeys. I also just love the word “monkey”.

68. I’ve always considered myself fairly mature.

69. hee hee . . . 69!

70. When I’m really upset, it’s best to ignore me and I’ll get over it.

71. I use way too much ketchup.

72. I like Oprah. She seems really nice.

73. When I was little, Mickey Dolenz was my favorite Monkee. As I matured, I switched to Mike Nesmith.

74. My bologna has a first name. It’s O-s-c-a-r.

75. I won the smile contest on the Uncle Gus show (a local kid’s show in my hometown) when I was about 7 or 8. I won a tube of toothpaste with Tweety Bird on it. The kid who named all the states got a talking View Master. Figures the one time I used my looks to get something, the guy with the brains got the good stuff.

76. I get lost or take wrong turns while driving all the time. Like 75% of the
time. Well, maybe not that much, but a lot. Seriously.

77. I am not a punctual person and I know it’s rude and I try to be on time, but my internal clock is all screwy and I can’t help it. I’m sorry.

78. My memory is awful and although I can remember things from my childhood, I barely have any recollection of last week. Often I will forget something moments after I am told.

79. If I am in a meeting for more than 15 minutes, assume that I am no longer able to pay attention. I have been in one-to-one meetings with bosses where my mind is comsumed with this inner dialogue: “I need to pay attention. Pay attention! I really should be listening. This is bad, why can’t I pay attention? I’m going to be screwed, I have no idea what this person is saying. What did he just say? Can he tell I have no idea what he’s saying? Pay attention.” One would think I could put all that energy into paying attention rather than distracting myself by telling myself to pay attention, wouldn’t you? Nope.

80. I can do fine motor stuff (knitting, sculpting, other crafty stuff) for hours on end and not lose focus (or get up to got to the bathroom).

81. I am very non-confrontational and I like it that way.

82. My favorite food is sushi. Second is Indian.

83. My least favorite food is anything made with goat’s milk.

84. The best cake I ever made used a cake mold shaped like a big dress and a Joey Lawrence doll.

85. For Christmas last year, I made a Buche de Noel, complete with meringue mushrooms. Jon made a squirrel out of almond paste to top it off.

86. As stressful as it is, I love holiday cooking.

87. I lived with my brother in Los Angeles for about a year in the early 90’s. I worked at a comedy club (I’ve handed paychecks to Drew Carey and Jimmy Walker, among others)

88. If my friends here had been out there with me, I probably would not have moved back so soon. There’s a lot of fun to be had there if you’re in the right headspace. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. I overlooked a lot of good opportunities in LA LA Land.

89. I don’t really have a any solid goals for the future and it kind of worries me. Then I remember that I never have and things worked out pretty well on their own.

90. I’m agnostic, but still feel occasional pangs of superstition and guilt that are left over from my Catholic upbringing.

91. My brother and I were eventually not allowed to sit together in church because we were too disruptive.

92. From looking at my list, my brother figures very heavily in how I define myself. I don’t consider this a bad thing as I think he’s very cool.

93. I like to read directions before I proceed.

94. Mr. Winkle
makes me squeal like a little girl. If loving Mr. Winkle is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

95. I love super dark chocolate. I prefer dry and bitter to creamy and sweet.

96. I love pop culture and the irony and ridiculouslness within.

97. Humor is vital to my existence.

98. I firmly believe that things are as they are meant to be. Sometimes. Sort of. Ok, change that “firmly believe that” to “I wonder if”.

99. I do not have any firm philosopical, theological, or supernatural theories. One day I think one thing, the next it’s something different. I kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of gal most times and that’s cool. Whatever. As long as no one is trying to impose their beliefs on me, I’m fine.

100. I can really go on and on about myself, huh?

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This month, we’ll be exploring a collection of atrocities for the unlucky men in our lives. Are they hand-crafted out of love or masterminded to drain a man’s essence? Either way, if you can get him to put it on you’ll know that his soul is yours for the crushing. For maximum effect, show this to the man you love, wield your knitting needles and crochet hooks menacingly, then ask him to do your bidding. Repeat as necessary.

(as ever – click the pictures for enlarged view)

Some situations demand extreme action. This man has taken Shakespearean steps to exact a swift revenge for the misdeeds of the granny-square crocheting she-devil by his side. While it may look like he’s bestowing a sweet kiss upon his lover, in reality, he has coated his lips with a hat-penetrating poison that will render her unable to hold a crochet hook for the rest of her days. Little does he know, she’s using the new Rowan’s new Poison Proof and Pretty Cashmerino.

If only his sweater were loaded. A quick, clean shot to the heart is the only way out of this disaster.

I’m not even sure I understand this outfit. Stripes and cables and tassles, a yoke and collar, all topped off with matching mittens and a precariously placed beanie that will fly of his head at the very thought of shooshing down a mountain. It looks more like a 1950’s futuristic outer space uniform reconfigured for slope-bound humans. Danger, Will Robinson! Do not accept this offering!

Speaking of outer space creatures . . . yikes. This is from a Red Heart book from 1941 called “Knit for Defense” and it features lots of patterns you can knit for soldiers in WWII. Apparently the idea was to make the Germans think they were battling Martians, causing them to flee in terror. Perhaps we could all get together and try the same thing for our troops in Iraq. Let’s send ray guns along, just to make it more convincing.

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Huh, that’s funny – they all look like Dicks to me.

While perusing many vintage pattern books, I uncovered a diabolical plot. I’m not exactly sure of the intended outcome, but frankly, the men do not fare well. I suspect that might actually be the intended outcome. It seems that if it’s good for the gander, what the heck knit one up for the goose! Both the mens’ and ladies’ versions are heinous, but the fellas always seem to come out with the fuzzy end of this bitter little lollipop. I imagine that a version for Fido would be equally as bad, but since he’s already had his nuts surgically removed, there’s no need to do it through knitwear.

Confuse your neighbors, upset your friends, and to heck with those gender roles. Blur that line between fashion and folly I’m sure he’s done something to deserve it! Toss in a pair of polyester crotch-restricting short-shorts and the kids will be asking ”Why doesn’t daddy come home any more?” in no time!

Warm Vest, Cold Shoulder. How could it have gone any other way? She seems to be trying to smooth things over with a playful pinch on the bum, but he’s not having it. This time she’s gone too far. Looks like someone is sleeping in the rumpus room tonight and if there’s a matching afghan in there, it’s not going to be him.

Let’s see, we’ll use gray yarn . . . aaaand take of the fringe . . .hmmmm . . . make it a little longer . . . nope still looks like a complete and utter goofball.

Here’s a set that seeks to answer the age-old question just who in the hell does she think she is? Her sweater is fit for a queen, and so is his. Or at the very least an extremely happy king. And by the looks of it, he is most definitely not a happy king.

This couple might actually be from a reality-based pattern book – I don’t think they’re models at all. Above, he appears to be giving the missus a hard time about her “crowning achievment” and here he is at home yelling at everyone to “Shut the hell up, I’m on the phone!” I suppose he’s trying to call someone to ask just why he has to wear the bottom of his sweater flipped up. He doesn’t realize that he’s the proud owner of an Aran crumb-catcher, state of the art stuff in 1957.

Why wait until he’s a full grown man to start humiliating him? Smart moms can mortify two birds with one pattern! With any luck, Junior will bypass puberty altogether and start collecting Precious Moments figurines right away – just like his old man. (Note that dad is leaning on the railing with all his weight. Also note that the railing has a sign that says “Danger Keep Off” in giant red letters. His silent scream is deafening.)

“Boys, this is where we’re moving to. Don’t tell mommy!”
“Does this mean we don’t have to dress like fuzzy kittens anymore, daddy??”
“Yes, son. Everything’s going to be alright now.”

And finally, some help for all you men out there who are not sure what they can do about this knitting scourge. How can you avoid the humiliation of having to wear a fringed purple and orange tartan sweater or a belted vest of the finest salmon-colored boucle? Well, perhaps you can learn by someone else’s mistake. For instance, when your wife or girlfriend is trying to make pleasant conversation and asks what your favorite Lifesaver flavor is, there are many right answers. There is also at least one extremely wrong one: “Fer Chrissakes, I don’t know. All of them. Not shut yer pie-hole and get me a beer, dammit!” This man actually prefers the subtlety of Butter Rum and wishes he had politely said so. Clearly this is revenge knitting at its finest. You go, girl.

Thanks for coming, and remember – only use your knitting powers for good. 😉

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Lurking in the shadows is a menace that knows no bounds. Its destructive capabilities are both mystifying and horrific. Equipped with eyes that observe the night when you are most vulnerable, razor sharp teeth in relentless pursuit of another victim, and a dark mind bent on mutilation, there is no reasoning with this beast. Take precautions. Stand steadfast in its wake. Prepare for ruination. Nothing you do will stop it or make its grisly vocation any less devastating. What is this ghastly creature called?

Dot

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You heard me. Dot. That adorable white cat from such posts as “Book Binge” and “Long-ass Post” is also a destructive, fiber-eating monster! She has yet to get her choppers on any of my knitting, but it is a constant and debilitating fear.

Here is some of her handiwork. She has redesigned the hood on my favorite hoodie, widened the top band one of my favorite socks, and after careful consideration, decided that my shoes looked better without the little loopy thing on the back.

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This morning, the Hub modeled his restructured bathrobe for us.

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This is her finest work to date. See Santa? Isn’t he cute? One year we put him out for Christmas. He really cheered the place up, until . . . (click photo to see the gory aftermath)

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Please note Santa’s rather conspicuous lack of arms. Do you know where those arms are? Over the past year or so, bit by bit, I’ve been scooping them out of the litter box. That’s right, they were EATEN! If I had a decent camera I could show you that Santa also lacks ears. If you look closely, you can see that the very edge of his hat and coat are also meticulously nibbled.

I’ve talked to the vet and done extensive research online to learn more about this fiber habit. Turns out it’s common in Siamese cats and it’s referred to as “wool sucking” or “wool chewing”. It appears the intent is not to destroy anything but rather to ease some compulsive need to suck. Yeah, she sucks, alright. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do to curb it. You can try to reprimand them when you catch them doing it, but we rarely see her in action. One site reported that it could be treated by removing the molars! But pretty much everything I’ve read starts off with ridiculous ideas about putting hot sauce on stuff to deter it (yes, I would love to cover everything in my house in Tobasco!) and ends the article by saying that meds are probably the best way to deal with it. So basicaly, our dear Dot has a touch of the OCD. It worries me that she’s ingesting material, but as long as she’s getting rid of it, the vet says she should be ok. What really worries me is that one day she’ll get into my or knitting bag or stash bin and have herself a buffet! I just picture her wearing a lobster bib and winding yarn around a fork like spaghetti.

In the end, we just try to keep stuff off the floor (it’s not easy for either of us, my husband and I are not exactly neat freaks). I think my mother actually likes that the cat has this behvior because it gives her the chance to say “Well, if you picked up after yourselves . . .” and trails off with a smug look that only a mother can pull off.

In knitting news, the Manly sweater is coming along smashingly! Another inch or so and I can start doing the shaping for the arms! In the photo, it looks like I’ve added a spiffy pocket, but that’s the swatch I did. I wanted to show how different it looks from the WIP. For some reason, I’m amazed at what a little washing and blocking can do.

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Since I’ve been working mainly on the sweater, the poor neglected Hallowig has been pushed to the bottom of the knitting bag. I’ll have it done soon, I promise!

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