Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On November - 11 - 2004   ShareThis




This month, we’ll be exploring a collection of atrocities for the unlucky men in our lives. Are they hand-crafted out of love or masterminded to drain a man’s essence? Either way, if you can get him to put it on you’ll know that his soul is yours for the crushing. For maximum effect, show this to the man you love, wield your knitting needles and crochet hooks menacingly, then ask him to do your bidding. Repeat as necessary.

(as ever – click the pictures for enlarged view)

Some situations demand extreme action. This man has taken Shakespearean steps to exact a swift revenge for the misdeeds of the granny-square crocheting she-devil by his side. While it may look like he’s bestowing a sweet kiss upon his lover, in reality, he has coated his lips with a hat-penetrating poison that will render her unable to hold a crochet hook for the rest of her days. Little does he know, she’s using the new Rowan’s new Poison Proof and Pretty Cashmerino.

If only his sweater were loaded. A quick, clean shot to the heart is the only way out of this disaster.

I’m not even sure I understand this outfit. Stripes and cables and tassles, a yoke and collar, all topped off with matching mittens and a precariously placed beanie that will fly of his head at the very thought of shooshing down a mountain. It looks more like a 1950’s futuristic outer space uniform reconfigured for slope-bound humans. Danger, Will Robinson! Do not accept this offering!

Speaking of outer space creatures . . . yikes. This is from a Red Heart book from 1941 called “Knit for Defense” and it features lots of patterns you can knit for soldiers in WWII. Apparently the idea was to make the Germans think they were battling Martians, causing them to flee in terror. Perhaps we could all get together and try the same thing for our troops in Iraq. Let’s send ray guns along, just to make it more convincing.


Huh, that’s funny – they all look like Dicks to me.

While perusing many vintage pattern books, I uncovered a diabolical plot. I’m not exactly sure of the intended outcome, but frankly, the men do not fare well. I suspect that might actually be the intended outcome. It seems that if it’s good for the gander, what the heck knit one up for the goose! Both the mens’ and ladies’ versions are heinous, but the fellas always seem to come out with the fuzzy end of this bitter little lollipop. I imagine that a version for Fido would be equally as bad, but since he’s already had his nuts surgically removed, there’s no need to do it through knitwear.

Confuse your neighbors, upset your friends, and to heck with those gender roles. Blur that line between fashion and folly I’m sure he’s done something to deserve it! Toss in a pair of polyester crotch-restricting short-shorts and the kids will be asking ”Why doesn’t daddy come home any more?” in no time!

Warm Vest, Cold Shoulder. How could it have gone any other way? She seems to be trying to smooth things over with a playful pinch on the bum, but he’s not having it. This time she’s gone too far. Looks like someone is sleeping in the rumpus room tonight and if there’s a matching afghan in there, it’s not going to be him.

Let’s see, we’ll use gray yarn . . . aaaand take of the fringe . . .hmmmm . . . make it a little longer . . . nope still looks like a complete and utter goofball.

Here’s a set that seeks to answer the age-old question just who in the hell does she think she is? Her sweater is fit for a queen, and so is his. Or at the very least an extremely happy king. And by the looks of it, he is most definitely not a happy king.

This couple might actually be from a reality-based pattern book – I don’t think they’re models at all. Above, he appears to be giving the missus a hard time about her “crowning achievment” and here he is at home yelling at everyone to “Shut the hell up, I’m on the phone!” I suppose he’s trying to call someone to ask just why he has to wear the bottom of his sweater flipped up. He doesn’t realize that he’s the proud owner of an Aran crumb-catcher, state of the art stuff in 1957.

Why wait until he’s a full grown man to start humiliating him? Smart moms can mortify two birds with one pattern! With any luck, Junior will bypass puberty altogether and start collecting Precious Moments figurines right away – just like his old man. (Note that dad is leaning on the railing with all his weight. Also note that the railing has a sign that says “Danger Keep Off” in giant red letters. His silent scream is deafening.)

“Boys, this is where we’re moving to. Don’t tell mommy!”
“Does this mean we don’t have to dress like fuzzy kittens anymore, daddy??”
“Yes, son. Everything’s going to be alright now.”

And finally, some help for all you men out there who are not sure what they can do about this knitting scourge. How can you avoid the humiliation of having to wear a fringed purple and orange tartan sweater or a belted vest of the finest salmon-colored boucle? Well, perhaps you can learn by someone else’s mistake. For instance, when your wife or girlfriend is trying to make pleasant conversation and asks what your favorite Lifesaver flavor is, there are many right answers. There is also at least one extremely wrong one: “Fer Chrissakes, I don’t know. All of them. Not shut yer pie-hole and get me a beer, dammit!” This man actually prefers the subtlety of Butter Rum and wishes he had politely said so. Clearly this is revenge knitting at its finest. You go, girl.

Thanks for coming, and remember – only use your knitting powers for good. 😉


43 Responses

  1. unravelme says:

    ROFLMAO! Too hilarious!

  2. I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. I had tears streaming from my eyes. Thank you!!!

  3. Jacqueline says:

    I have been really tempted to gift everyone who’s ever made a mockery of my knitting something in these pages. I think it’s the skiing outfit with matching gloves and beanie. In Dark read and fuchia. LOL thankyou.

  4. Lisa says:

    You are hilarious. Those pictures wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining if they didn’t have the background that you give them.

    If I ever even remotely considered knitting “matching” sweaters, the thought is long gone now.

  5. Trish says:

    Thanks for another edition of TMOKS….leaving me with tears of laughter running down my face again. Oh, what WERE they thinking? The photos are hilarious by themselves, but your commentary makes them 100 times funnier. I really look forward to reading your blog :-)

  6. Alison says:

    Oh my GOD! This is too funny — ouch! My sides hurt. Your comments are priceless. The silent scream of the dad in the wrappy sweater? The boy in that photo was in serious therapy for years after that, not only for having to wear a hideous wrappy sweater himself, but for seeing his father emasculated so.

  7. ErLeCa says:

    Hold on…. let me catch my breath! That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I literally had tears running down my face. I needed a break in the middle so I could breath! I’m sure my coworkers were wondering why I was laughing so freakin hard at my computer screen! Thanks for that!

  8. Anonymous says:

    You are tooo tooo good. I have to get busy! I think I want a copy of the pattern the last poor fella is wearing. I really really like it! (Lifesaver sweater)
    Beth (Big Geek)

  9. Anonymous says:

    The head cozy AKA penis-shaped Knitted Garment for Defense is my fave. He looks like a nun.

    Thanks for brightening my day.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Hysterically funny.
    Fab !



  11. Allison says:

    This is a fantastic entry! Now I know what to make my boyfriend for Christmas… :) You totally made my day – Thanks!

  12. k says:

    I really enjoyed these pictures. My favorites are the matching outfits. Women should never make their men wear matching outfits. Now there is proof.

  13. Kristine says:

    I laughed so hard I cried! The funniest part is that I actually have the book the aran crumbcatcher is from… and the rest of the book has similarly strange posed pictures- thanks for the chuckle

  14. Michelle says:

    Oh my gosh, I think I busted my gut! Thank you. That was hysterical…now, I must check for a hernia.

  15. kris says:

    and still interweave knits insist on posting patterns for knitted ties in 2004.

  16. Marnie says:

    Love love love it. It’s amazing that these men didn’t ring some alarm bells at the photo shoot. Your captions, as always, are priceless.

  17. ginabeana says:

    Whoops! I think I peed a little. That was the best MOKS yet.

  18. bootsy says:

    You are hilarious! Where do you find all those pictures?

  19. Anonymous says:

    Hahaha! Thanks for making me laugh!

  20. Anonymous says:

    my god, woman, give a designer a break! preferably their right hands, so they can’t write! that was absolutely hilarious, gotta love it!
    Minnie (aka dragonmom(KR))

  21. Lynne says:

    I *soooo* want that last zipped jacket! But not the man in it, especially since he’s 30 years older… LOL!
    How did they design such tragedies? Then again, I look at some of the current designs in the mags and wonder…

  22. pax_elaison says:

    I’m just blog surfing, and what can I say, but “Wow!” I can’t believe that men ever wore those things. Horrid knits: for martians, by martians.

    It reminds me a bit of the Dorcus collection on

    More emasculating/hideous men’s wear to be found there, although not knitted.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Oh my! That’s too funny! I must learn to harness my knitting power and use it to bring men to their knees….


  24. Anonymous says:

    Holy cow! That’s too funny. The should have a link to this…alas, my biggest complaint about men’s knitwear has been explained by your blog.


  25. Paige says:

    Hilarity. Thank you!

  26. Theresa says:

    Oh, my God … I just (well, nearly) peed myself reading this. THANK YOU!!!

  27. Jessica says:

    OMG! So FREAKIN’ hilarious! Keep ’em coming!

  28. Neb says:

    Owww! My eyes!!! Aaaaagh! Make it stop!!!

    Knitting as torture. It was only a matter of time.

  29. Dainne says:

    Where can I get a pattern for the ‘Knit for Defense’ hood? My boyfriend’s is beginning to fray at the ends? Also! Where can I purchase some neon green mohair yarn to keep his noggin warm yet safe at night?? Thanks!!! Dianne

  30. Katy says:

    here in brisbane, i found a book called “wit knits” – oh slay me with punnery- that was a frightening book of 80s knits modeled by british comedians. the sweaters were big, the colors bold, the designs? they’d make 80s hair seem subtle. i recommend it to anyone who likes those old knitting books just for the models. i do. craft models are the misunderstood demographic of the g00se eggs. i think you need this book.

  31. Anonymous says:

    i dont get it. where can i get some of those cool clothes tho?
    I bet cina would love one for xmas

  32. Jenni in Edmonton - says:

    thank you! That was the best “yoga laugh” I have had in months! I agree with the comment about sending this to anyone who disparages my knitting – sort of: “well, I ‘could’ be making ‘this’ for you!” – keep them coming, girl! These were fabulous!

  33. Constance in the Sierra Foothills says:


    I’m recovering from pneumonia, and your comments and pictures improved my mood immeasurably!

    I really can’t figure out which outfits are the worst. They’re all so…so very…well, words escape me1 Horrible just doesn’t cover it, nor does vile, or hideous, or the rest of the thesaurus. Hmmm…my favorite must be the one with the solid sweater with a striped V shaped insertion and matching beanie. But, it’s really hard to choose.


  34. "Maggie" says:

    Whoo boy, these bring back memories. My mother was into knitting big time. I had a vest from the first picture and a sweater from the second picture (though mine had poodles on it) given to me on my birthday. I also had a gold fringed vest (much like the one pictured halfway down the page) and my mother had a matching one too. Yikes, does this date me???

    These pictures are hilarious and just be glad you didn’t have to wear any of them!

  35. Lilinah says:

    I still have the booklet for the granny-square crochet tops at the top of the page – i bought it when it came out. And, yes, i wore pants as short as those on Kitschy Stitches, Vol. II, although mine were of pale lavender brushed denim, not knit or crocheted. Hey, quitcher laughing…

  36. Laura says:

    Funny the hoodie for the WWII troops is there. Cast On has a blurb in their latest issue about banding together and knitting up a bunch for our guys in Iraq and Afghanistan.

    The only way I could get my own husband to wear one of those is to wait until he’s asleep.

  37. Amy says:

    I’m laughing so hard I’m frightening the cats.

  38. Anne says:

    OMG Priceless!!!!! Thank you so much for the laugh!

  39. Aldyth says:

    It kind of looks like Smilin’ Bob from the Enzyte commercials has a lot of relatives. It totally explains what happened to him.

  40. techedit says:

    Now I’m just tempted to stop knitting. I hereby swear to never knit for my husband and to consult others before I knit for them.

  41. sparkling74 says:

    Awesome! What were they thinking back then? And what are we thinking now? I’m afraid to look.

  42. Stitchknit says:

    Such fun! I’m old enough to have some of the patterns from the same time period…. Might have to dig some of them out for a good laugh here in the studio!

    Thanks for sharing.

  1. […] We must use our knitting powers for good, and not for evil. Take a look at these hilarious knits for men that probably were largely responsible for the acceleration in the divorce rate during the […]

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