There’s an old adage that says “there are no atheists in foxholes.” Judging from the list of religious intonations that poured out of my mouth the very second I stumbled across these twisted playthings of the Dark Lord, I’d say that adage also holds true for anyone in their presence.

Toto the Clown, seen at the bottom, seems evil enough on his own. His apparent possession of two mouths, both most certainly full of needle sharp teeth meant for penetrating tender flesh, is enough to make your skin crawl right off your body and into the next room. But add his pal, Tony, and you may as well ask Old Scratch himself for a play date. Did I mention that according to the pattern, Tony is an Organ Grinder? The very thought of him snatching my liver and stuffing it into his monkey-powered gore machine while playing a merry tune is just too much to bear. I’m going to need a little lay down.

At long last, I’m free from the shackles of Charmin! Take that, underwear overlords! Finally, someone has addressed my need for a garment that is both fashionable and convenient. I’m done wasting time with “bathrooms” and “hygiene” and “common decency”. Who’s with me?!

The double-breasted sweater hasn’t caught on in many places yet, but Clark Kent’s foppish, ascot-wearing little brother is embracing it wholeheartedly. It’s a shuttlecock! It’s an autogyro! It’s Dandy Man!

I don’t know if it’s the parched, dangling tongues or the crudely shapen appendages, but something just isn’t sitting well. These two are making me uncomfortable. The cup-to-nipple ratio is all off with that bikini, and her boyfriend’s pantlessness seems so unnecessary. Couldn’t he at least have worn underwear? We’re trying to fill a toy box here, not a swingers lounge.

So you’ve replaced everything useful in your home with clever yarn replicas, have you? Excellent. Now you can start with the more mundane items around the house. Daisies are always nice, but so overdone. How about some used, crumpled tissues fashioned from the finest cashmere? Beetle carapaces take on a decidedly feminine look when you knit them in pink silk. And nothing says home cookin’ like a nice bowl of macaroni and cheez, but you won’t have to worry about accidentally snorting up that packet of day-glo orange powder when it’s made in luxurious Egyptian cotton thread. We wouldn’t want a repeat of last year’s unpleasant incident, now would we?