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Well, it’s that time of year again and the staff members at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches are all abuzz with excitement! Christmas is almost over and they couldn’t be more excited. The 26th of December will mark the end to one of the most heart-wrenching, carnage-filled seasons yet. The casualties have been immeasurable, spirits have been broken, and citizens have been faced with one of the most life-altering decisions ever put forth. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? This War on Christmas has been brutal for everyone caught in its sparkly crosshairs. Numerous reports of digital injuries have been reported throughout the month of December due to the vigorous finger-pointing. Studies have shown that those actively involved with the WoC are also suffering from chronic Rectal-Cranial Inversions, a situation that will hopefully remedy itself once “Jingle Bells” is no longer being piped into everyone’s heads 24 stupid hours a day, starting in October. Free Botox will be made readily available at local clinics to remove the continual look of perplexed bewilderment on the faces of bystanders of the War who just don’t see the point of the whole thing. It is expected that that as soon as the last wreath has been removed, a collective groan will thunder through the land as the Christmas soldiers suddenly realize that they’ve been duped by a sleazy, smirking talk show host and a slithering snake in evangelist’s clothing who invented the whole thing. And then we can go back to everyone getting along and being pleased as punch with one another.

Until then, let’s do some Christmas* shopping!

*The use of the words “Christmas” and “Holiday” in no way endorses or denies any specific religion or spiritual belief. Or non-belief. They are merely terms used to designate the unabashed orgy of consumerism that happens every year at this time.

And here is the standard by which all other shopping must be compared. The 1978 Sears Wish Book. It is the Holy Grail of holiday gift-giving. If it’s not in here, you don’t want it. If it is in here, you probably had it. It also proves that it’s just fine to wear dresses so short that your underwear show. If the kids can do it, so can we! Go on, ladies, deck the hoo-ha with boughs of holly!

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One must never show up to a holiday celebration empty handed. But how much expensive wine does a party need? Nothing says Christmas like a pile of sticky ribbon candy that has melded together into an impenetrable block of sugary badness. As an added benefit, the ribbons become shards of razor sharp gum-severing joy, spreading bloody smiles to all the boys and girls who didn’t know any better. Shiny, waxy chocolates are also a classic that no table should be without. Someone’s bound to get drunk and make inappropriate scatological jokes about these, so don’t miss out. Also, place your orders early for the official Sears ice cream sundae! Free wrapping with every double scoop!

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So your wife spent much of the 60’s in a drug-induced haze, eh? And now she’s given up her old partying ways to do the housewife thing. Bummer. It’s her own fault for falling in love with an intern from Nixon’s campaign office. How about helping her relive her gloriously misspent youth with these magical mushroom kitchen accessories! She’ll flash back to the days when she was naked and free and high as a kite, just don’t be surprised if you come home to find her licking the unused plates and mumbling about spoons and spatulas and spice racks.

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Frank N Bun It’s ALIVE!!

Welp, you might as well face it. Its time for the company party again. For the past three years you’ve avoided it by reporting the same grandmother’s death over and over again. They’re on to you and you will be participating in the Yankee Swap this time around. Forget thoughtful. Forget practical. This year, prove your disdain with inexplicable uselessness. The Coney Island Steamer is guaranteed to bring a frown to everyone it gets unloaded on. This thing will get passed around the office faster than Tammy in accounting. While the name brings to mind something you might find in a porta-potty under the docks, the Coney Island Steamer itself proves just about as useful. Hot dogs. One at a time. Perfect for that family of five who don’t mind waiting eons for their clammy portion of soggy bread and pig lips lovingly encased in animal intestine.

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Wow, finally we can use futuristic technology in our own homes! I’m so glad we captured those aliens back in Roswell and forced them to cough up their revolutionary cooking techniques! Just look at all those things mom will be able to make all lickety-split like. No more raw apples for us, only apples that have been covered in playground sand and bombarded with high powered rays. She’ll have loads more time to twirl around the kitchen with her cakes and pies now that she can actually bake them in a matter of seconds! Entire cuts of meat will come out juicy and delicious after a good zapping with this new fangled microthingy! Just imagine all the moist and healthy meals that will come pouring out of this wondrous machine! At just under 400 dollars, you can’t beat that with a stick. I wonder if they’ll ever invent something we can use to reheat the leftovers.

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Fire hazard, schmire hazard, I’ve got a warehouse full of these damned stuffed animals and I can’t unload ¢â‚¬Ëœem since the carnival got shut down. Now are you gonna help me rip the stuffing out of these things and wire ¢â‚¬Ëœem up or am I going to have to call your parole officer? ¢â‚¬ËœSides, kids are gonna love these things! Little freaks. Once we donate these to the orphanage for Christmas, I can write it off and make all my money back and then some. It’s win-win. Hey, don’t waste that electrical tape, those wires ain’t exposed if they’re under the fur!

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You’ll be the King of the Castle this holiday season when you gather the family and let them gape in wonder at their glorious new 19” screen. It’s like having a drive-in movie theater right in your living room! It features an easy-to-use remote control that practically fits in your hand how’s that for state of the art? It’s as easy to use as one of those push-button telephones you’ve heard so much about. Features real LED readout and electronic random-access channel selection. That’s right, you can change to any other channel with the handy cannel changer and you can actually see what channel you’ve changed to. This is the best, most feature-packed TV you can get for under $600, so don’t delay!

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Need a gift for your nephew, the music lover? As any self-respecting Styx fan will tell you, look no further than this amazing Dual-Record Compact Stereo System. Word on the street is that vinyl is on its way out and the future is all about the compact 8-track tape and the even tinier cassette tape! With this amazing system, you can transfer all your record albums onto long lasting 8-track or cassette tapes so the music can play on forever. You’ll never have to worry about whether you’ll be able to listen to REO Speedwagon’s greatest hits again. The faux walnut grain will add class to any room and the stylish rotary controls for volume, balance, bass, and treble let you tailor the sound to the your taste. What more could any bachelor pad need?

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How many times have the kids begged and pleaded for a dulcimer, only to be told that you couldn’t afford one. The look of heartbreak on their tiny faces is unbearable and you were willing to do what you had to do this season to make their dulcimer dreams come true. Well, don’t sell the family car yet and stop wondering how much you could get for a perfectly good kidney. At long last, there’s a dulcimer that just about everyone can afford. It truly is a Christmas miracle!

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And finally, Pedro the Christmas Burro can rest easy this year. It’s Frosty’s turn to take one for the team and martyr himself in the name of Christmas. Fill him up, arm the kids, and teach them the true meaning of the season. Blindly beat the crap out of stuff until you get what you want. In this case, piles of candy falling from the torn and battered corpse of a snowman.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyous WhateverTheFrigYouWant! I hope everyone has a good weekend full of love and warmth!

Wait.

What’s that, my tiny reindarlings? The toys? What about the toys? Oh, you think the toys are best thing in the whole Sears Wish Book (besides the underwear pages)? Oh, well, maybe if you’re good, Santa will write something funny especially for you on Christmas morning. But only if you’re goooood . . . 😉

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Welcome to the brand new wing of the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, sponsored by frightened hordes of knitting designers who paid us off to never mention them or their rotten designs. Using their contributions, which totaled over 18 billion dollars, we built the Karma Chameleon Complex, including the renowned Tumble 4 Ya Sculpture Park. The complex features fully mirrored floors and ceilings with gold-plated fixtures. The walls are covered with artfully splattered paint in hot neon colors. Masterpieces by Nagel, Haring, and Kliban are displayed throughout the building. The complex will house a collection of travesties from the glory days of the 1980’s, a prohibitively expensive time in knitting history due to the voluminous styles loved by all. Dolman sleeves, baggy sweaters, and bunchy leg warmers were the order of the day and a “fitted” top meant that you could only fit one other person inside. The artifacts within this exhibit have been painstakingly gathered so that we, as a community, could seek to answer the age old question of the 80’s: “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” It is apparent that the answer is a resounding “Yes!”

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How did anyone manage to knit this sweater? I mean, besides the fact that it used up the entire world’s yarn supply for an entire year, it must have taken at least that long to knit this monstrosity up. And at the cost of a whopping $32,450 to make, who had the money? And where exactly do you store 5,000 balls of yarn while you’re knitting it? And how does the wearer fit through doorways when you’re done? Does she even have a right arm, or is that just a pile of knitted fabric in its place? Was the arm removed specifically to accommodate the sweater or was it just a happy coincidence that she was without it? How far out would this sweater be billowing if she didn’t have it smartly belted, not that, god forbid, she’d ever leave the house with an unbelted sweater. There are too many questions left unanswered with this thing. Oh how I long for the days of crocheted hot pants using a single skein of yarn.

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I think it’s time we finally face the debilitating curse that affected so many of the fashion mavens among us. Popeyeism. This disease was most identifiable by the increased size of the shoulder/arm region. The example above shows advanced Popeyeism of the upper arms. Before this photo was taken, the model was seen squeezing a can of spinach until the top popped open. She then flipped her head back and swallowed the entire contents of the can, afterwards callously throwing the empty can behind her. Others afflicted may experience inflammation of the forearm, which is often accompanied by the appearance of an anchor-shaped marking on the arm or chest. Speech impediments and speaking from the side of one’s face while smoking a pipe from the other are also known symptoms. Luckily, Popeyeism was wiped out by the early 90’s, but a new batch of outbreaks are expected among teenagers who consider the 1980’s to be “retro” and “funny”. They will start wearing restyled 80’s-esque clothing for the sake of “irony” until they eventually become the very thing they’re making fun of. Let’s all enjoy it, shall we?

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Smart brides really put the “Maid” in “Bridesmaid”. Don’t let that bitch try to upstage you! Put her in her place from Day One. Better put the flower girl on notice, too. Who even said your spoiled rotten little niece could be in this wedding, anyway?

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Yes, let’s all Get Physical! Let’s exercise in shiny acrylic sweaters that will trap the sweat as though we were wearing Ziploc baggies. And don’t forget the non-absorbent sweat band that will slowly creep down as we tediously lift our 3lb weight until it smudges our Aquatic Blue eyeshadow. And legwarmers, yes! Because when we sprain our ankles and scrape our calves on the cheap stationary bike pedals that we forgot don’t work right, we’re going to need something to cover the bruises and swelling. And throw a mullet in there for good measure. Taa-daa, I have just helped you experience what it was really like in the mid-80’s in a few short sentences. You owe me.

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Is it just me or does this sweater not seem all that warm?

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Things were not always as they seemed in the 80’s. Illusions were all around us in this veritable land of make-believe. Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that the US was being led by an actor who once performed with chimps. (The chimps have certainly come a long way since then, eh?) And nowhere was this penchant for fantasy more evident than in fashion.

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Hey! I remember this commercial!

“With the addition of a microwave to every kitchen has come the advent of an array of tasty, fat-laden snacks. Waistlines are expanding, boobs are sagging, butts are spreading in entirely new directions. But don’t put down that Hot Pocket, put on this fantastic new bikini bod instead! That’s right, the new Knit-a-Body system allows you to enjoy the highly processed carbohydrates that are so important to today’s modern lifestyle and still look totally bitchin’! Available in Beach Babe, Voluptuous Valley Girl, and Preppy Prostitute. And now for the guys, there’s the Bulging Bohunk!”

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Yeee-haw! Who doesn’t love a pair of overalls fit for a fancy hoedown? Well, slap my knee, turn me blue, and stick my head in a milk jug, this gal, that’s who! She’ll be a monkey’s mama if she can’t figure out those ding-danged clasps that hold everyone else’s pants on. Nope, her uncle daddy never did teach her about such finery. ¢â‚¬ËœSides, how’s she gonna find a man if she’s spendin’ all her time fussin’ with those silly pant-holder-uppers? Shoot fire, y’all are crazy! But they do look purty and all the fellers love a filly with her thumbs hitched in a pair of metal clasps, all sexy like. So what else is a gal to do but keep her britches accessible with grandma’s patented fauxveralls?

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The only thing more ridiculous than fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs wrapped around the shoulders is fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs knitted around the shoulders. “Look, she like boats!” this sweater begs. “See, she has a little boat. And she’s smiling!” it pleads as is tries to convince onlookers of its authenticity. “She’s wearing a Gilligan hat! She’s totally seaworthy!” it blubbers as it chokes back the tears. I wouldn’t scrape barnacles with this thing.

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And just a reminder for anyone who thinks otherwise; the 80’s weren’t good for anyone.‚  (click the photo for a close-up of the world’s most pissed-off cat. And I’m sorry to say, it is not photoshopped.)

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Welcome to the brand new wing of the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, sponsored by frightened hordes of knitting designers who paid us off to never mention them or their rotten designs. Using their contributions, which totaled over 18 billion dollars, we built the Karma Chameleon Complex, including the renowned Tumble 4 Ya Sculpture Park.

The complex features fully mirrored floors and ceilings with gold-plated fixtures. The walls are covered with artfully splattered paint in hot neon colors. Masterpieces by Nagel, Haring, and Kliban are displayed throughout the building. The complex will house a collection of travesties from the glory days of the 1980’s, a prohibitively expensive time in knitting history due to the voluminous styles loved by all. Dolman sleeves, baggy sweaters, and bunchy leg warmers were the order of the day and a “fitted” top meant that you could only fit one other person inside. The artifacts within this exhibit have been painstakingly gathered so that we, as a community, could seek to answer the age old question of the 80’s: “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” It is apparent that the answer is a resounding “Yes!”

How did anyone manage to knit this sweater? I mean, besides the fact that it used up the entire world’s yarn supply for an entire year, it must have taken at least that long to knit this monstrosity up. And at the cost of a whopping $32,450 to make, who had the money? And where exactly do you store 5,000 balls of yarn while you’re knitting it? And how does the wearer fit through doorways when you’re done? Does she even have a right arm, or is that just a pile of knitted fabric in its place? Was the arm removed specifically to accommodate the sweater or was it just a happy coincidence that she was without it? How far out would this sweater be billowing if she didn’t have it smartly belted, not that, god forbid, she’d ever leave the house with an unbelted sweater.

There are too many questions left unanswered with this thing. Oh how I long for the days of crocheted hot pants using a single skein of yarn.

I think it’s time we finally face the debilitating curse that affected so many of the fashion mavens among us. Popeyeism. This disease was most identifiable by the increased size of the shoulder/arm region. The example above shows advanced Popeyeism of the upper arms. Before this photo was taken, the model was seen squeezing a can of spinach until the top popped open. She then flipped her head back and swallowed the entire contents of the can, afterwards callously throwing the empty can behind her.

Others afflicted may experience inflammation of the forearm, which is often accompanied by the appearance of an anchor-shaped marking on the arm or chest. Speech impediments and speaking from the side of one’s face while smoking a pipe from the other are also known symptoms. Luckily, Popeyeism was wiped out by the early 90’s, but a new batch of outbreaks are expected among teenagers who consider the 1980’s to be “retro” and “funny”. They will start wearing restyled 80’s-esque clothing for the sake of “irony” until they eventually become the very thing they’re making fun of. Let’s all enjoy it, shall we?

Smart brides really put the “Maid” in “Bridesmaid”. Don’t let that bitch try to upstage you! Put her in her place from Day One. Better put the flower girl on notice, too. Who even said your spoiled rotten little niece could be in this wedding, anyway?

Yes, let’s all Get Physical! Let’s exercise in shiny acrylic sweaters that will trap the sweat as though we were wearing Ziploc baggies. And don’t forget the non-absorbent sweat band that will slowly creep down as we tediously lift our 3lb weight until it smudges our Aquatic Blue eyeshadow. And legwarmers, yes! Because when we sprain our ankles and scrape our calves on the cheap stationary bike pedals that we forgot don’t work right, we’re going to need something to cover the bruises and swelling. And throw a mullet in there for good measure. Taa-daa, I have just helped you experience what it was really like in the mid-80’s in a few short sentences. You owe me.

Is it just me or does this sweater not seem all that warm?

Things were not always as they seemed in the 80’s. Illusions were all around us in this veritable land of make-believe. Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that the US was being led by an actor who once performed with chimps. (The chimps have certainly come a long way since then, eh?) And nowhere was this penchant for fantasy more evident than in fashion.

Hey! I remember this commercial!

“With the addition of a microwave to every kitchen has come the advent of an array of tasty, fat-laden snacks. Waistlines are expanding, boobs are sagging, butts are spreading in entirely new directions. But don’t put down that Hot Pocket, put on this fantastic new bikini bod instead! That’s right, the new Knit-a-Body system allows you to enjoy the highly processed carbohydrates that are so important to today’s modern lifestyle and still look totally bitchin’! Available in Beach Babe, Voluptuous Valley Girl, and Preppy Prostitute. And now for the guys, there’s the Bulging Bohunk!”

Yeee-haw! Who doesn’t love a pair of overalls fit for a fancy hoedown? Well, slap my knee, turn me blue, and stick my head in a milk jug, this gal, that’s who! She’ll be a monkey’s mama if she can’t figure out those ding-danged clasps that hold everyone else’s pants on. Nope, her uncle daddy never did teach her about such finery. ‘Sides, how’s she gonna find a man if she’s spendin’ all her time fussin’ with those silly pant-holder-uppers? Shoot fire, y’all are crazy! But they do look purty and all the fellers love a filly with her thumbs hitched in a pair of metal clasps, all sexy like. So what else is a gal to do but keep her britches accessible with grandma’s patented fauxveralls?

The only thing more ridiculous than fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs wrapped around the shoulders is fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs knitted around the shoulders. “Look, she like boats!” this sweater begs. “See, she has a little boat. And she’s smiling!” it pleads as is tries to convince onlookers of its authenticity. “She’s wearing a Gilligan hat! She’s totally seaworthy!” it blubbers as it chokes back the tears. I wouldn’t scrape barnacles with this thing.

And just a reminder for anyone who thinks otherwise; the 80s weren’t good for anyone. (click the photo for a close-up of the world’s most pissed-off cat. And I’m sorry to say, it is not photoshopped.)

Welcome to the first annual Special Guest Exhibit at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, where our patrons take their turn swiping at some acrylic ipecacs! We were delighted with the responses and we know you will be, too. Unfortunately, our beloved curator, Ms. Stitchy McYarnpants could not attend today’s gala event. She was suddenly stricken with a mysterious illness. Let’s all pause for a moment to wish her a speedy recovery. Alright, let’s dispense with formality and get to the dirt. The real reason she refused to come is that she is an insufferable primadonna and couldn’t stand someone else being in her spotlight. She realized she may not be the cleverest person in the universe after all, so she’s at home, languishing on her fainting couch with a moist hankie in one hand and a gin & tonic in the other. In fact, she appears to be channeling Faye Dunaway’s version of Joan Crawford. She spent a solid half hour and an entire can of cleaning powder admonishing Dot for treating dresses like dishrags. Lucky for her, there were no wire hangers in the house. Not since the time Chi-Chi picked up the dry cleaning. Those cats are going to come out with a scathing book one day, you just watch.

Oh my, please pardon the digression. Without further ado, we present to you the brand new Special Guest Exhibit in the newly refinished Ladies Room of the storage facility. Enjoy! A randomly-selected winner will be announced tomorrow, but we want to express our gratitude to everyone who participated. It was great to hear from everyone and we got some real gems. Thanks for coming out to play!

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And now, the perfect costume if the International Olympic Commission ever decides to create the the Downhill Slalom and Chicken Dance event. from Rabbitch

Check out that hot Yeti on the ski run! I think I’m gonna swoon! from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“My father is half yeti, my mother’s worried I’ll get lost. What’s your story?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

This is the fairy godmother of those little furry people in Star wars 6, the one where they blow up the Deathstar. She was in the first edition, the one with the dorky music. She was the cause of the dorky music. from km scheid

This is St. Lucia’s little sister, St. Agatha. Her special holiday is November 13th, the day when al the ski runs in Scandinavia officially open for the season. from km scheid

Snapshot from Bjork’s recent ski holiday. Tamara Shaffer

The orange chested shag bird has a complex and energetic mating ritual, involving intricate hooting and dancing about. This fine specimen was found tuckered and weak from hours of dancing to no avail. Apparently, her crest was lacking in plumage making her an undesirable mate. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

Mom, was right, I shoulda worn my orange boots! from Bridget Graham

“Damn! The potion is wearing off. Now he’ll know I’m not really a bird.” – Julie LaFrance Funk (Holy Crap, what a great name! I pray that it’s real)

What do you get when you mix leftover shag rug with the Austrian Alpine look?? from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

Kellie was sad when she realized she had killed her friend the Snuffleupagus, but at least now everyone would believe that he was real. – from Elissa at Special Sauce

What could be more intimidating to the other skiers than an outfit that says; “Arg! I’m the pirate of these here slopes!”? Subbing a knitted hat with long fringe at the top for a pirate hat with feathers is the logical choice (even pirates get cold on those snowy slopes!). To accent your pumpkin orange ensemble, a thigh length shaggy yellow vest will do the trick nicely. This not only makes you highly visible, but earn you the respect every snow bunny pirate deserves! And for practical reasons, to prevent you from skiing down the slopes while saying, “Geez! How can I ski in all this crap?!, a braided belt with tassles to tie it all together! People will be amazed at your athletic skills and wonder where you bravely plundered the Big Bird costume to get your outfit! from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

I didn’t kill the muppet – why are you looking at me like that? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

Lanie’s biggest challenge as a puppeteer for Fraggle Rock was leaving her work at the office. from Julia at MothHeaven

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The zebra stripes give him animal magnetism, at least to checkboard-bedecked Swedish women. – from Amy at Frottez!

“Honey, why does this sweater smell so bad?” “Oh, I knitted it out of Ljutefisk!” from Rabbitch

So what if his mom was a zebra and my mom was a stopsign, we’re in love! from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Hey, sweetcakes, the stripes point the way!” “Oh, George, you’re *such* a flirt!” – from Andrea high atop her Soapbox

He obviously used that Zebra disguise so he would blend in with the wildlife on the ski slopes to catch the hallucinogenic love bunny. I actually like these sweaters – just not in the same space. from km scheid

Ahhh The Swedes, such a model of progressive thought. Why not force men to don knitwear that is an abstract version of a muscular skeletal system that leads down to what seems to be a uterus. Girlfriend, now you know how the other half lives, she seems to say. – Terry Cluefor

Looks like an ad for condoms for some reason. Tamara Shaffer

Like the asses of orangutans, weaker males are marked by outer appearances. While the most virile wear argyle and plaids, the weaker are forced to wear effeminate animal prints and absurd facial hair. When the gentle male is released into the wilds of singles bars and grocery stores, only the most crocheted of women can sustain their amusement long enough to mate. Note how the male makes gestures as if to overpower her, but his charade is transparent. His markings make it clear that he is far too weak and she lets out soft chiding chuckles in response. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

C’mon, honey, where’d you hide the crayons?? from Bridget Graham

“Come on baby. Take off your sweater and show me your skeleton.” – Julie LaFrance Funk

Hirsute Zebra men say the funniest things! from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

I’ve seen it a hundred times. People who can’t hold their liquor. Here we have the lovely couple and the wife seems to be enjoying her vacation at the lodge a little too much. In fact, maybe she was drinking while making their vacation sweaters. She started with his. Hmmm¢â‚¬¦lets see. I want to make my man something that will show off his qualities. I know! One bottle of wine later produces a chart for, you guessed it, The best harry chest in the west! Next came hers. Its gonna be cold and I’ll need some mittens. All that running from one bar to another, I’ll probably need a special bag to carry my hats/mittens etc. Unless¢â‚¬¦..Yes! That’s it! I’ll crochet them directly onto the sleeves of my sweater! The only thing that could make that better is a checks, hearts, rainbow stripe montage. After much insisting, the loving husband dons his sweater while whispering in her ear, “there now, I’ve put it on. Lets go back to the room and have some coffee.” from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

*gritting teeth* Get your hands off me you zebra-freak, don’t you see I am way too fabulous for you? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

“Oh Steve. It’s been quite a day, riding into New York City all the way from Scranton for our anniversary. I’m so excited to see Times Square and all the celebrities that live there. And we’re a shoe-in at the Rave with our cool club outfits. New York is so cool. Thanks for a great day!” from Julia at MothHeaven

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“Oh Fuck. My left breast implant just exploded. I knew I should have forked out for silicone instead of feathers, even if it WAS ten dollars more.” from Rabbitch

Ostrich for lunch, my favorite! But I think I got some on my shirt. from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Yes, dahling, don’t you just looove ostrich? No! They’re not chicken!!! What was that you said about dodo?!?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

OMG I got caught in the shredder! Thank goodness my head jammed the works and they were able to retrieve it! I don’t know how I’ll ever explain
to my future husband that I can’t remove the black band around my neck. from km scheid

If I just act really cool, people won’t notice the several small arctic birds I am smuggling under my sweater. But I wish they’d quit digging into me with their claws. And the SMELL! from km scheid

Takes my breath away. Really. This one could have won Wendy’s 80s contest. Tamara Shaffer

Females of the Yellow Crested Pleated Matron must prove their ability to care for offspring. The male seeks females sporting the greatest number of small animal carcasses. She spends hours weaving feathers and pelts into elaborate fabrics. This fine example shows a complexity of design found only in the finest of specimens. The male will woo her with songs of “I have a camaro I have a camaro” while presenting her with offerings of wine coolers. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

Moa?? I thought they said I’ll be modeling a boa!” from Bridget Graham

“Oh No! The stuffing is coming out of my Stepford wife!” – Julie LaFrance Funk

“My ostrich feather breast implant just exploded! Do you think anyone will notice?” from Dani of Year of the Afghan

Melanie Griffith in the 80’s before plastic surgery and Antonio Banderas. The built-in boa is a plus. from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

Melanie hoped nobody would notice that she consumed an entire pigeon on her way to her Vanity Fair shoot. – from Elissa at Special Sauce

Finally, an answer to what to do with all that dark fuzzy scrap yarn you have! You’ll be doing even better if you have or live next to farm animals! Seriously, the geese/chicken/ducks will put up a fight at first, but when they realize what they are sacrificing for, they should comply. Their plucked feathers will be immortalized in a knitted work of art! The look on her face portrays her pride: “It took me days to chase down those fowl! But damn it¢â‚¬¦.I’m worth it!” from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

And here we have our latest hybrid cross… Ivana Trump x Emu… – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

Lola’s fame as a beltway lobbyist was cemented the year the Census Bureau added a ethnicity category for Ostrich Americans. from Julia at MothHeaven

#4

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The rare and beautiful Abominable Snow-Woman, shown with arm fur shaved to reveal her lovely multicolored skin. – from Amy at Frottez!

We European women never shave our armpits. – from Rabbitch

These are my real breasts! Mom met the abominable snowman one night on the ski run and….here I am! from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Here’s a yeti, there’s a yeti, everywhere a yeti-yeti.” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

I thought there was a page ripped out of that stupid magazine I stole from the doctor’s office. I didn’t think it made any sense. Maybe if I just call it a design element, no one will notice. from km scheid

This sweater-coat-thing has so many wonderful pockets, I can carry all my stuffed rabbits with me all the time! from km scheid

Olive Oil knits!! Tamara Shaffer

In the vast tundra of the arctic, the native Fair Isle Fox sheds her summer coat in lieu of a her dense white winter fur. The male of the species will not rise from his semi-hibernation until the remainder of her mottled coat is replaced by a thick silky shag. By the time mating begins, she is nearly unrecognizable from her former self, as her shape is obscured by her winter whites. When the female finally picks her mate, he will as likely die of inhaling plumes of fur as he is of succumbing to any predator. Because of this, the female has evolved to give birth to vast numbers of offspring to replace the many lost males. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

There was this great sale on fun fur . . . . . from Bridget Graham

“High-wasted gaucho pants are in, in, in, this year!” – Julie LaFrance Funk

“Helga Bigfoot here, wife of Sidney Bigfoot. I know you think living in the Swiss Alps with the monster of your dreams is all fun and romance, but let me tell you, it’s hell keeping house for a man, err, semi-erect humanoid who refuses to bathe regularly and has massive claws for toenails. And if that’s not enough, every night when he gets home, all the neighborhood dogs start howling and yelping. Drives me crazy. So as soon as I get enough cash saved up, I’m out of here–off to my sister’s in Key West. Anyone want to buy an exclusive photo of Bigfoot himself?” – from PaMdora of www.pamrubert.com

Help! A yeti appropriated my sweater in progress and finished the front! Have some fondue! from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

“…next we braise the Yeti flanks in a flavorful white wine reduction, and serve with crackers!” – from Elissa at Special Sauce

Hmmmm. What knitter doesn’t love the prospect of being alone in a lovely hotel with only her knitting and the scenery to occupy her time? If anyone approaches you offering you an opportunity to “house sit” a grand old hotel during the off season in the winter BEWARE! Our next subject was not so lucky. Every knitter has a travel project in his/her suitcase. This is what happens when you take one to the Overlook Hotel.(www.kubrickfilms.warnerbros.com/video_detail/shining/) She’s obviously started a sweater for the cold weather. Something colorful that will go with everything. But as time passes and strange things start happening she gets more distracted from her knitting while at the same time being consumed by it. She has just finished the sleeves and attached them to the eight inch long collar and is preparing to cast on the body when things start going horribly wrong. A large supply of white fur materializes mysteriously in her room. She is driven to use it by evil yet powerful ghostly forces prompting her through psychological terror. By the end she has a sweater and she is snowbound in the beautiful yet frightening hotel. Both are not at all what she bargained for. Don’t let her suffering be for nothing; lets all learn
from this story: Don’t knit anything out of fear! from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

It didn’t take me long to tackle down that alpaca at all, and don’t worry – the doctor said it’s just a mild concussion and a case of really bad taste. – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

“I don’t miss Rufus. I feel that somehow, he’s always with me.” from Julia at MothHeaven

Thanks again and watch your head on the way out!

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Welcome to the first annual Special Guest Exhibit at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, where our patrons take their turn swiping at some acrylic ipecacs! We were delighted with the responses and we know you will be, too. Unfortunately, our beloved curator, Ms. Stitchy McYarnpants could not attend today’s gala event. She was suddenly stricken with a mysterious illness. Let’s all pause for a moment to wish her a speedy recovery.

Alright, let’s dispense with formality and get to the dirt. The real reason she refused to come is that she is an insufferable primadonna and couldn’t stand someone else being in her spotlight. She realized she may not be the cleverest person in the universe after all, so she’s at home, languishing on her fainting couch with a moist hankie in one hand and a gin & tonic in the other. In fact, she appears to be channeling Faye Dunaway’s version of Joan Crawford. She spent a solid half hour and an entire can of cleaning powder admonishing Dot for treating dresses like dishrags. Lucky for her, there were no wire hangers in the house. Not since the time Chi-Chi picked up the dry cleaning. Those cats are going to come out with a scathing book one day, you just watch.

Oh my, please pardon the digression. Without further ado, we present to you the brand new Special Guest Exhibit in the newly refinished Ladies Room of the storage facility. Enjoy! A randomly-selected winner will be announced tomorrow, but we want to express our gratitude to everyone who participated. It was great to hear from everyone and we got some real gems. Thanks for coming out to play!

#1

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And now, the perfect costume if the International Olympic Commission ever decides to create the the Downhill Slalom and Chicken Dance event. – from Rabbitch

Check out that hot Yeti on the ski run! I think I’m gonna swoon! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“My father is half yeti, my mother’s worried I’ll get lost. What’s your story?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

This is the fairy godmother of those little furry people in Star wars 6, the one where they blow up the Deathstar. She was in the first edition, the one with the dorky music. She was the cause of the dorky music. – from km scheid

This is St. Lucia’s little sister, St. Agatha. Her special holiday is November 13th, the day when al the ski runs in Scandinavia officially open for the season. – from km scheid

Snapshot from Bjork’s recent ski holiday. – Tamara Shaffer

The orange chested shag bird has a complex and energetic mating ritual, involving intricate hooting and dancing about. This fine specimen was found tuckered and weak from hours of dancing to no avail. Apparently, her crest was lacking in plumage making her an undesirable mate. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

Mom, was right, I shoulda worn my orange boots! – from Bridget Graham

“Damn! The potion is wearing off. Now he’ll know I’m not really a bird.” – Julie LaFrance Funk (Holy Crap, what a great name! I pray that it’s real)

What do you get when you mix leftover shag rug with the Austrian Alpine look?? – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

Kellie was sad when she realized she had killed her friend the Snuffleupagus, but at least now everyone would believe that he was real. – from Elissa at Special Sauce

What could be more intimidating to the other skiers than an outfit that says; “Arg! I’m the pirate of these here slopes!”? Subbing a knitted hat with long fringe at the top for a pirate hat with feathers is the logical choice (even pirates get cold on those snowy slopes!). To accent your pumpkin orange ensemble, a thigh length shaggy yellow vest will do the trick nicely. This not only makes you highly visible, but earn you the respect every snow bunny pirate deserves! And for practical reasons, to prevent you from skiing down the slopes while saying, “Geez! How can I ski in all this crap?!, a braided belt with tassles to tie it all together! People will be amazed at your athletic skills and wonder where you bravely plundered the Big Bird costume to get your outfit! – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

I didn’t kill the muppet – why are you looking at me like that? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

Lanie’s biggest challenge as a puppeteer for Fraggle Rock was leaving her work at the office. – from Julia at MothHeaven

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#2

The zebra stripes give him animal magnetism, at least to checkboard-bedecked Swedish women. – from Amy at Frottez!

“Honey, why does this sweater smell so bad?” “Oh, I knitted it out of Ljutefisk!” – from Rabbitch

So what if his mom was a zebra and my mom was a stopsign, we’re in love! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Hey, sweetcakes, the stripes point the way!” “Oh, George, you’re *such* a flirt!” – from Andrea high atop her Soapbox

He obviously used that Zebra disguise so he would blend in with the wildlife on the ski slopes to catch the hallucinogenic love bunny. I actually like these sweaters – just not in the same space. – from km scheid

Ahhh The Swedes, such a model of progressive thought. Why not force men to don knitwear that is an abstract version of a muscular skeletal system that leads down to what seems to be a uterus. Girlfriend, now you know how the other half lives, she seems to say. – Terry Cluefor

Looks like an ad for condoms for some reason. – Tamara Shaffer

Like the asses of orangutans, weaker males are marked by outer appearances. While the most virile wear argyle and plaids, the weaker are forced to wear effeminate animal prints and absurd facial hair. When the gentle male is released into the wilds of singles bars and grocery stores, only the most crocheted of women can sustain their amusement long enough to mate. Note how the male makes gestures as if to overpower her, but his charade is transparent. His markings make it clear that he is far too weak and she lets out soft chiding chuckles in response. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

C’mon, honey, where’d you hide the crayons?? – from Bridget Graham

“Come on baby. Take off your sweater and show me your skeleton.” – Julie LaFrance Funk

Hirsute Zebra men say the funniest things! – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

I’ve seen it a hundred times. People who can’t hold their liquor. Here we have the lovely couple and the wife seems to be enjoying her vacation at the lodge a little too much. In fact, maybe she was drinking while making their vacation sweaters. She started with his. Hmmm¢â‚¬¦lets see. I want to make my man something that will show off his qualities. I know! One bottle of wine later produces a chart for, you guessed it, The best harry chest in the west! Next came hers. Its gonna be cold and I’ll need some mittens. All that running from one bar to another, I’ll probably need a special bag to carry my hats/mittens etc. Unless¢â‚¬¦..Yes! That’s it! I’ll crochet them directly onto the sleeves of my sweater! The only thing that could make that better is a checks, hearts, rainbow stripe montage. After much insisting, the loving husband dons his sweater while whispering in her ear, “there now, I’ve put it on. Lets go back to the room and have some coffee.” – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

*gritting teeth* Get your hands off me you zebra-freak, don’t you see I am way too fabulous for you? – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

“Oh Steve. It’s been quite a day, riding into New York City all the way from Scranton for our anniversary. I’m so excited to see Times Square and all the celebrities that live there. And we’re a shoe-in at the Rave with our cool club outfits. New York is so cool. Thanks for a great day!” –from Julia at MothHeaven

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#3

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“Oh Fuck. My left breast implant just exploded. I knew I should have forked out for silicone instead of feathers, even if it WAS ten dollars more.” – from Rabbitch

Ostrich for lunch, my favorite! But I think I got some on my shirt. – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Yes, dahling, don’t you just looove ostrich? No! They’re not chicken!!! What was that you said about dodo?!?” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

OMG I got caught in the shredder! Thank goodness my head jammed the works and they were able to retrieve it! I don’t know how I’ll ever explain
to my future husband that I can’t remove the black band around my neck. – from km scheid

If I just act really cool, people won’t notice the several small arctic birds I am smuggling under my sweater. But I wish they’d quit digging into me with their claws. And the SMELL! – from km scheid

Takes my breath away. Really. This one could have won Wendy’s 80s contest. – Tamara Shaffer

Females of the Yellow Crested Pleated Matron must prove their ability to care for offspring. The male seeks females sporting the greatest number of small animal carcasses. She spends hours weaving feathers and pelts into elaborate fabrics. This fine example shows a complexity of design found only in the finest of specimens. The male will woo her with songs of “I have a camaro I have a camaro” while presenting her with offerings of wine coolers. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

Moa?? I thought they said I’ll be modeling a boa!” – from Bridget Graham

“Oh No! The stuffing is coming out of my Stepford wife!” – Julie LaFrance Funk

“My ostrich feather breast implant just exploded! Do you think anyone will notice?” – from Dani of Year of the Afghan

Melanie Griffith in the 80’s before plastic surgery and Antonio Banderas. The built-in boa is a plus. – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

Melanie hoped nobody would notice that she consumed an entire pigeon on her way to her Vanity Fair shoot. – from Elissa at Special Sauce

Finally, an answer to what to do with all that dark fuzzy scrap yarn you have! You’ll be doing even better if you have or live next to farm animals! Seriously, the geese/chicken/ducks will put up a fight at first, but when they realize what they are sacrificing for, they should comply. Their plucked feathers will be immortalized in a knitted work of art! The look on her face portrays her pride: “It took me days to chase down those fowl! But damn it¢â‚¬¦.I’m worth it!” – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

And here we have our latest hybrid cross… Ivana Trump x Emu… – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

Lola’s fame as a beltway lobbyist was cemented the year the Census Bureau added a ethnicity category for Ostrich Americans. – from Julia at MothHeaven

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#4

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The rare and beautiful Abominable Snow-Woman, shown with arm fur shaved to reveal her lovely multicolored skin. – from Amy at Frottez!

We European women never shave our armpits. – from Rabbitch

These are my real breasts! Mom met the abominable snowman one night on the ski run and….here I am! – from Suzanne Sherry (she chose the theme “Love Gone Wrong”)

“Here’s a yeti, there’s a yeti, everywhere a yeti-yeti.” – from Andrea, high atop her Soapbox

I thought there was a page ripped out of that stupid magazine I stole from the doctor’s office. I didn’t think it made any sense. Maybe if I just call it a design element, no one will notice. – from km scheid

This sweater-coat-thing has so many wonderful pockets, I can carry all my stuffed rabbits with me all the time! – from km scheid

Olive Oil knits!! – Tamara Shaffer

In the vast tundra of the arctic, the native Fair Isle Fox sheds her summer coat in lieu of a her dense white winter fur. The male of the species will not rise from his semi-hibernation until the remainder of her mottled coat is replaced by a thick silky shag. By the time mating begins, she is nearly unrecognizable from her former self, as her shape is obscured by her winter whites. When the female finally picks her mate, he will as likely die of inhaling plumes of fur as he is of succumbing to any predator. Because of this, the female has evolved to give birth to vast numbers of offspring to replace the many lost males. – From Marnie MacLean of MarnieTalks (she chose the theme “The Natural Geographic Guide to Mating in Knitting”)

There was this great sale on fun fur . . . . . – from Bridget Graham

“High-wasted gaucho pants are in, in, in, this year!” – Julie LaFrance Funk

“Helga Bigfoot here, wife of Sidney Bigfoot. I know you think living in the Swiss Alps with the monster of your dreams is all fun and romance, but let me tell you, it’s hell keeping house for a man, err, semi-erect humanoid who refuses to bathe regularly and has massive claws for toenails. And if that’s not enough, every night when he gets home, all the neighborhood dogs start howling and yelping. Drives me crazy. So as soon as I get enough cash saved up, I’m out of here–off to my sister’s in Key West. Anyone want to buy an exclusive photo of Bigfoot himself?” – from PaMdora of www.pamrubert.com

Help! A yeti appropriated my sweater in progress and finished the front! Have some fondue! – from Kathy at Kathode Ray Tube

“…next we braise the Yeti flanks in a flavorful white wine reduction, and serve with crackers!” – from Elissa at Special Sauce

Hmmmm. What knitter doesn’t love the prospect of being alone in a lovely hotel with only her knitting and the scenery to occupy her time? If anyone approaches you offering you an opportunity to “house sit” a grand old hotel during the off season in the winter BEWARE! Our next subject was not so lucky. Every knitter has a travel project in his/her suitcase. This is what happens when you take one to the Overlook Hotel.(www.kubrickfilms.warnerbros.com/video_detail/shining/) She’s obviously started a sweater for the cold weather. Something colorful that will go with everything. But as time passes and strange things start happening she gets more distracted from her knitting while at the same time being consumed by it. She has just finished the sleeves and attached them to the eight inch long collar and is preparing to cast on the body when things start going horribly wrong. A large supply of white fur materializes mysteriously in her room. She is driven to use it by evil yet powerful ghostly forces prompting her through psychological terror. By the end she has a sweater and she is snowbound in the beautiful yet frightening hotel. Both are not at all what she bargained for. Don’t let her suffering be for nothing; lets all learn
from this story: Don’t knit anything out of fear! – from Veronica at Under the Knitting Moon (her theme was “Ski Season at the MOKS”)

It didn’t take me long to tackle down that alpaca at all, and don’t worry – the doctor said it’s just a mild concussion and a case of really bad taste. – from Nancy’s Ego at Bird’s Nest Knits

“I don’t miss Rufus. I feel that somehow, he’s always with me.” – from Julia at MothHeaven

Thanks again and watch your head on the way out!