Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On December - 22 - 2005   ShareThis



Well, it’s that time of year again and the staff members at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches are all abuzz with excitement! Christmas is almost over and they couldn’t be more excited. The 26th of December will mark the end to one of the most heart-wrenching, carnage-filled seasons yet. The casualties have been immeasurable, spirits have been broken, and citizens have been faced with one of the most life-altering decisions ever put forth. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? This War on Christmas has been brutal for everyone caught in its sparkly crosshairs. Numerous reports of digital injuries have been reported throughout the month of December due to the vigorous finger-pointing. Studies have shown that those actively involved with the WoC are also suffering from chronic Rectal-Cranial Inversions, a situation that will hopefully remedy itself once “Jingle Bells” is no longer being piped into everyone’s heads 24 stupid hours a day, starting in October. Free Botox will be made readily available at local clinics to remove the continual look of perplexed bewilderment on the faces of bystanders of the War who just don’t see the point of the whole thing. It is expected that that as soon as the last wreath has been removed, a collective groan will thunder through the land as the Christmas soldiers suddenly realize that they’ve been duped by a sleazy, smirking talk show host and a slithering snake in evangelist’s clothing who invented the whole thing. And then we can go back to everyone getting along and being pleased as punch with one another.

Until then, let’s do some Christmas* shopping!

*The use of the words “Christmas” and “Holiday” in no way endorses or denies any specific religion or spiritual belief. Or non-belief. They are merely terms used to designate the unabashed orgy of consumerism that happens every year at this time.

And here is the standard by which all other shopping must be compared. The 1978 Sears Wish Book. It is the Holy Grail of holiday gift-giving. If it’s not in here, you don’t want it. If it is in here, you probably had it. It also proves that it’s just fine to wear dresses so short that your underwear show. If the kids can do it, so can we! Go on, ladies, deck the hoo-ha with boughs of holly!


One must never show up to a holiday celebration empty handed. But how much expensive wine does a party need? Nothing says Christmas like a pile of sticky ribbon candy that has melded together into an impenetrable block of sugary badness. As an added benefit, the ribbons become shards of razor sharp gum-severing joy, spreading bloody smiles to all the boys and girls who didn’t know any better. Shiny, waxy chocolates are also a classic that no table should be without. Someone’s bound to get drunk and make inappropriate scatological jokes about these, so don’t miss out. Also, place your orders early for the official Sears ice cream sundae! Free wrapping with every double scoop!


So your wife spent much of the 60’s in a drug-induced haze, eh? And now she’s given up her old partying ways to do the housewife thing. Bummer. It’s her own fault for falling in love with an intern from Nixon’s campaign office. How about helping her relive her gloriously misspent youth with these magical mushroom kitchen accessories! She’ll flash back to the days when she was naked and free and high as a kite, just don’t be surprised if you come home to find her licking the unused plates and mumbling about spoons and spatulas and spice racks.


Frank N Bun It’s ALIVE!!

Welp, you might as well face it. Its time for the company party again. For the past three years you’ve avoided it by reporting the same grandmother’s death over and over again. They’re on to you and you will be participating in the Yankee Swap this time around. Forget thoughtful. Forget practical. This year, prove your disdain with inexplicable uselessness. The Coney Island Steamer is guaranteed to bring a frown to everyone it gets unloaded on. This thing will get passed around the office faster than Tammy in accounting. While the name brings to mind something you might find in a porta-potty under the docks, the Coney Island Steamer itself proves just about as useful. Hot dogs. One at a time. Perfect for that family of five who don’t mind waiting eons for their clammy portion of soggy bread and pig lips lovingly encased in animal intestine.


Wow, finally we can use futuristic technology in our own homes! I’m so glad we captured those aliens back in Roswell and forced them to cough up their revolutionary cooking techniques! Just look at all those things mom will be able to make all lickety-split like. No more raw apples for us, only apples that have been covered in playground sand and bombarded with high powered rays. She’ll have loads more time to twirl around the kitchen with her cakes and pies now that she can actually bake them in a matter of seconds! Entire cuts of meat will come out juicy and delicious after a good zapping with this new fangled microthingy! Just imagine all the moist and healthy meals that will come pouring out of this wondrous machine! At just under 400 dollars, you can’t beat that with a stick. I wonder if they’ll ever invent something we can use to reheat the leftovers.


Fire hazard, schmire hazard, I’ve got a warehouse full of these damned stuffed animals and I can’t unload ¢â‚¬Ëœem since the carnival got shut down. Now are you gonna help me rip the stuffing out of these things and wire ¢â‚¬Ëœem up or am I going to have to call your parole officer? ¢â‚¬ËœSides, kids are gonna love these things! Little freaks. Once we donate these to the orphanage for Christmas, I can write it off and make all my money back and then some. It’s win-win. Hey, don’t waste that electrical tape, those wires ain’t exposed if they’re under the fur!


You’ll be the King of the Castle this holiday season when you gather the family and let them gape in wonder at their glorious new 19” screen. It’s like having a drive-in movie theater right in your living room! It features an easy-to-use remote control that practically fits in your hand how’s that for state of the art? It’s as easy to use as one of those push-button telephones you’ve heard so much about. Features real LED readout and electronic random-access channel selection. That’s right, you can change to any other channel with the handy cannel changer and you can actually see what channel you’ve changed to. This is the best, most feature-packed TV you can get for under $600, so don’t delay!


Need a gift for your nephew, the music lover? As any self-respecting Styx fan will tell you, look no further than this amazing Dual-Record Compact Stereo System. Word on the street is that vinyl is on its way out and the future is all about the compact 8-track tape and the even tinier cassette tape! With this amazing system, you can transfer all your record albums onto long lasting 8-track or cassette tapes so the music can play on forever. You’ll never have to worry about whether you’ll be able to listen to REO Speedwagon’s greatest hits again. The faux walnut grain will add class to any room and the stylish rotary controls for volume, balance, bass, and treble let you tailor the sound to the your taste. What more could any bachelor pad need?


How many times have the kids begged and pleaded for a dulcimer, only to be told that you couldn’t afford one. The look of heartbreak on their tiny faces is unbearable and you were willing to do what you had to do this season to make their dulcimer dreams come true. Well, don’t sell the family car yet and stop wondering how much you could get for a perfectly good kidney. At long last, there’s a dulcimer that just about everyone can afford. It truly is a Christmas miracle!


And finally, Pedro the Christmas Burro can rest easy this year. It’s Frosty’s turn to take one for the team and martyr himself in the name of Christmas. Fill him up, arm the kids, and teach them the true meaning of the season. Blindly beat the crap out of stuff until you get what you want. In this case, piles of candy falling from the torn and battered corpse of a snowman.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyous WhateverTheFrigYouWant! I hope everyone has a good weekend full of love and warmth!


What’s that, my tiny reindarlings? The toys? What about the toys? Oh, you think the toys are best thing in the whole Sears Wish Book (besides the underwear pages)? Oh, well, maybe if you’re good, Santa will write something funny especially for you on Christmas morning. But only if you’re goooood . . . 😉


29 Responses

  1. Imbrium says:

    “…deck the hoo-ha with boughs of holly!”

    Wouldn’t that be…prickly?


    Sorry…I couldn’t help it.

  2. jenifleur says:

    mmmmm. ribbon candy.

    1978? There had BETTER be a Super Star Barbie in there or..or..or else!

  3. Cattycorner says:

    …Tammy in Accounting! Baby Jesus!

    And a MOKS of toys? It really WILL be a happy Christmas morning!

  4. My Grandmother had those mushroom cannisters. And the microwave, stereo, and television. My Grandfather worked at Sears in the 70s. It was spooky to see them all in the same place again.

  5. twig says:

    Wow, that brings back memories. Not all of them good. *laugh* We owned those cannisters.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I have the 1979 version of that same microwave, and I will not trade it for a more current one. How else would I dye my wool?


  7. tabbytuxedo says:

    The one thing about that TV and remote. That was in the day where the remote was connected to the TV with a long cable. Nothing says fun like a cord across the living room floor to trip up Mom.

  8. Carole says:

    Yeah, the mushroom cannisters and stuff – my mom had those. YIKES!

  9. April says:

    The mushrooms! OH the mushrooms! WHY WHY? Everyone’s Grandma and/or Mom had those – I think my Grandma STILL has them! noooooooooo!

    I am really surprised you didn’t mention the microphone with the primo stereo system. he he he

    How did any of us escape the 70’s? ew

  10. --Deb says:

    Tee! I think I remember that Wishbook, too . . . ah, those were the days!

    And, did you notice–the PC is retroactive–even the 1978 Wishbook is for the “Holiday” season.

  11. Dude, the kids in the Frosty pic are freaking me out. They’re all zombie like. Probably had too many hot dogs.

  12. Heather says:

    Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah!

    Love your posts!

    Oh, and I thought you were supposed to decorate your hoo-ha with sprigs of mistletoe and lots of glitter? I didn’t get the boughs of holly memo. darn.

  13. maryse says:

    you forgot FESTIVUS … for the rest of us.

    as always, brilliant. that’s what i want for x-mas. your wit.

    i know the baby jesus is smiling.

    merry christmas, and all that girlfriend. looking forward to the toys. because it’s all about the toys.

  14. Laurie says:

    I think we should throw that kid out of school for kissing the girl. Or something.

  15. katiedid says:

    Happy Holidays, Stitchy! That was hilarious. Thank you.

  16. Kellee says:

    ….er, does this mean I have to return the Santa pinata I just picked up for the New Year’s Eve party?

  17. DebR says:

    My mom had the mushroom teapot – a Christmas gift from one of her students when she taught elementary school. When we cleaned out Mom’s things after she died, my sister and I originally put the teapot on the yard sale table, but after a while I took it off and kept it because I decided it was so awful it was fun. :-)

    So I am now the proud owner of a vintage 1970’s Sears Mushroom Teapot.

  18. Jackie says:

    Hope you and your holly-boughed hoo-ha have a spectacular weekend!

  19. Darcy says:

    ohmygosh, my parents had that exact TV until, like, a month ago. And I know we’ve still got the mushroom plates, just saw them at Thanksgiving! LOL – thanks for reminding us of all that stuff!

    Happy Holidays!

  20. Stephanie says:

    Oh scary – I knew lots of people who had the whole mushroom set. Some of it MAY have lived in my house but I think I am blocking the memory out…

  21. Cheryl says:

    I got MARRIED in 1978 and we had the microwave, the stereo and the television set.
    And yes I remember those mushroom sets!!!! Oh my gosh was it that long ago!!!!(beating head on table)

  22. Megann says:

    Good gawd, we had that microwave in my house when I was growing up! And I have the Merry Mushroom canister set in my cupboard. I was 4 in good ol’ 1978 so your post brought back great memories.

  23. Ranger Susie says:

    I know I’m days late, but we had that microwave, too. I remember that Grandma couldn’t go in the kitchen when it was on because it would affect her pacemaker detrimentally.

  24. Tish says:

    I’m late too, but we STILL have that microwave and after literally dozens of moves around the country it still works like new.

  25. I really really want the 8-track/cassette/LP system! But then, my hubbie and I both have large vinyl collections. With that gadget, I could start an 8-track collection and have something to listen to it on!

  26. Ruth says:

    My mother bought a dulcimer for me. It was fashionable in the hippie days to practice the folk arts.

  27. Marin says:

    I know I’m a hundred years late, but O. M. G. That’s my stereo. My first stero. My parents got me a stereo from Sears in 1979 and that big honkin’ lump of stereophonic variety was IT!

    My dad still has it, incidentally.

  28. sonia says:

    I’m wild about mushroom kitchen accessories; do you still have any of the items in the picture on your website?! Please contact me at

  1. […] And in 2005, we took a wild ride on a magic carpet made of a 1978 Sears Catalog! […]

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