It’s an exciting day here at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches. We’ve been bringing you the worst that yarn has to offer since 2004 and at long last, you get to meet the staff members who make it possible. These are the folks who have been working somewhat tirelessly, but mostly sporadically, to meet your need for acrylic thrills. Their often half-assed attempts to amaze and amuse are the only thing that keeps them going between office birthday parties. Not since the great Yarn Sore Outbreak of ’05 has there been this much buzz (or fuzz) in the air. So get ready to meet the whole crew, from the hunky head of Security to the tumultuous Tammies in accounting and reception. Enjoy!

Belinda and Jane in Exhibits

The two are the go-to gals when it comes to thinky things. Their intelligence is directly proportional to the size of their glasses. They’re responsible for arranging and writing descriptive text about the images you see throughout the museum. Belinda loves to use her prose to highlight the creativity and uniqueness of the objects on display. Jane loves tearing up Belinda’s flowery dissertations about the artists who created these steaming heaps and replacing them with her own bitter admonitions.

Belinda’s overzealous use of stripes and large wooden anchors to release her perky inner pirate is matched only by Jane’s inexplicable need to direct your gaze to her chest with not-so-subtle knitwear. Yo-ho-ho, Belinda. Time for a boob job, Jane.

Ted and Jim in Acquisitions

Ted and his apprentice, Jim, are responsible for gathering the pieces that are displayed in our many galleries. They regularly scour estate sales, flea markets, and Ted’s elderly mother’s book shelf for new treasures. Ted really enjoys his job. Reeeeally enjoys it. So much so that everyone who works in the Acquisitions Department is required to wear a uniform knitted in his signature colorway €“ Red Hot Red Heart. Since he’s the boss, he gets the three-button pullover. Jim, being an entry-level assistant, must wear the sweater vest. No one has ever applied for the intern position because no one wants to wear the thong.

Gail in HR

Gail is a brave woman who has faced adversity and overcome great odds. She is truly an inspiration to us all. She suffers from a rare disorder that causes her to be convinced that common household items are to be worn on the body. Some days it’s a teapot hat, others it’s a sofa cushion skirt. On this particular day, her non-skid, suction-cup bathtub mat became a fetching poncho. She feels right at home here in the offices of the MOKS.

Vito in Security

Vito joined the team as head of Security after his hair product modeling career abruptly came to an end when it was discovered he was using follicle-enhancing drugs. Vito is the man. So what if he’s wearing a boatneck sweater made with green, purple, and maroon heathered yarn with dropped puffy dolman sleeves and a blousy fit at the waist!? Who else would have had the sheer strength to get Gail of the floor when she tripped and suction cupped herself firmly onto the linoleum? Notice that no one has ever stolen anything from the MOKS collection with Vito heading up security. Would you mess with this guy? No, I didn’t think so.

Tammy in Reception

Tammy is the light-hearted, fun-loving receptionist here at the MOKS. She’s on top of everything that goes on in the office and no ones’ personal problems escape her notice. If there’s even a hint of a special occasion, she wastes no time in festooning cubicles with theme-appropriate decorations. From birthdays to showers to settling out of court over troublesome harassment lawsuits, she’s got just the thing. Sometimes we have up to four cakes in a day. Having a bad morning? You can always count on her to remind you to turn that frown upside-down. Over and over and over, until you comply. Yep, she’s a real peach, that one.

Lately she’s been troubled because she keeps getting mistaken for Tammy in Accounting who has a bit of a . . . reputation. It seems that Recpetionist Tammy has been getting a lot of Accounting Tammy’s emails. Emails that are most certainly not fit for a beunicorned beauty. The water delivery guy has been giving her long, lascivious looks through the empty bottles. The snack machine guy keeps offering her free nuts! Who could have possibly caused this mix-up that vexes her so?

I haven’t the slightest idea. But perhaps next time it would be wise to allow one to do with one’s frown what one pleases.

Tammy in Accounting

Tammy’s her name and crunching numbers is her game. Much like Tammy in Reception, she’s pretty much on top of everything in the office. Or more accurately, everyone. Surprisingly, the only thing about her that doesn’t look like it’s spent the past three nights in a strange place is her sweater. Even her pearls look a little rumpled. That’s because she spins her own yarn from the wool of a very special sheep. Dolores is the dream fleece for hoochies everywhere; it’s gin-soaked and ready for action. Her sturdy fiber can stand up to one drunken, anonymous hookup after another, and washes free of any grime, grass stains, or guilt whatsoever. Rock on with your bad selves, Tammy and Dolores.

Board of Directors

Meet the Board of Directors, the Orlons. This influential family is the backbone of the Museum of Kitschy Stitches. They’re the deciders, the financiers, the ones with the eBay account. They come from a long line of well-to-do oil barons and their fondness for non-renewable resources inevitably led them down the path of knittable petroleum products. Generations of Orlons have ensconced themselves in the sweaty embrace of acrylic, leaving the family’s trademark rash on the scalps and necks of all. Hives truly are the mark of Orlon.