Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On December - 22 - 2006   ShareThis

Breaking News: War on Christmas leads to shocking discovery in North Pole!

While carrying out the nation’s clear but double-super-secret strategy for victory in the War on Christmas, covert operations in the wintery wonderland have lead investigators to a shocking cover-up in Santa’s Workshop. While searching for signs of non-compliance to the new regulations meant to insure acceptable enjoyment and celebration practices during the Christmas season, officials discovered that the jolly fat man is not who we thought he was. Sure, he’s still fat, but his jollies are not derived from delivering gifts to good boys and girls across the land. In fact, good behavior is a sure-fire way to stay off the list that Santa really cares about.

Upon arrival at the Claus compound, operatives were met with ferocious guard reindeer, trained to gore interlopers with their mighty horns. It was the first of many frightening encounters they would have.

Once inside, they spied Santa and one of his favored elves lounging in the workshop.

After incurring heavy fines for operating under sweatshop conditions many years ago, Santa was thought to have improved conditions for his workers. Conditions have changed, alright. In fact, no toymaking was going on at all. Conveyor belts, doll-painting machines and jack-in-the-box stuffers have all been replaced with hot tubs and massage tables. The only toys in sight were the sort exclusively available to those with proper ID, many wrapped in plain paper so they could be delivered inconspicuously to the homes of Santa’s new, seamier clients. The environment could only be described as disturbingly over-affectionate.

As the officers wandered further into the holly jolly village of sin, they began to suspect that the true meaning of Christmas had been lost somewhere along the way. Not the pagan meaning from before winter solstice celebration was co-opted by newcomers, but the second, more meaningful meaning. The celebration of the birth of Jesus, which most likely took place in April.

As they shook their heads in distaste and wondered how they could make this about them and their moral superiority, they were captured and bound by a most curious creature – a reingimp. Born a normal reindeer with a mild chemical imbalance and a penchant for the unusual, he was not suited to be one of Santa’s slay team at the front gates. His bizarre use of red ribbon and leather straps festooned with jingle bells shocked the Christmas Warriors and they were easily overtaken.

It is unknown how long they were with the reingimp or what transpired during that time, but we were assured that it was entirely wholesome.

It was nightfall before they were able to free themselves and by then Santa, Mrs. Claus and all their friends were relaxing after a dinner party and a rousing game of Truth or Dare. What our noble Knights of Noel saw was scandalous at best.

Carols sung by Barry White blared as Mrs. Claus held hands with a visiting clown. Her blatant display of infidelity in front of her husband was astounding until, upon closer inspection, they noticed Santa’s hand was also resting on the clown’s shoulder. Suddenly a Leprechaun and an angel stumbled over just as they were reaching the punchline of a filthy joke involving elves, a feisty dove and a menorah. The scent of mistletoe was thick in the air, they were full of holiday spirit, alright.

One can only imagine the debauchery that ensued, and unfortunately, that is what we must do as this is where our coverage ends. The Crusaders of the Creche turned in their story rather abruptly and were last seen buying pointed shoes and green tights from a local costume shop. There is no word on their current whereabouts.

12 Responses

  1. Suebob says:

    How did a clown sneak in there?? It was all going so well until then.

  2. Stephieface says:

    Isn’t that the clown from the jack-in-the-box from the Rudolph movie with the Island of Misfit Toys… that might explain how he got there and what the Misfit Toys were really misfits of.
    Is it me, or is that a nekkid angel?

  3. Jennifer says:

    Hey… is that a leprechaun or is that really Bill O’Reilly.

    You can see the Limited Edition Bill O’Reilly cookie here:

  4. maryse says:

    do you see what i see, indeed.
    yeah, what’s with the clown?

  5. Anonymous says:

    I was enjoying the Santa Does the North Pole until you brought in that clown. I think by now everyone knows clowns are at the very least deeply disturbed individuals or serial killers. It just seemed a little cheap like when a cat jumps out at the most tense moment in a horror movie.

  6. Hollabollalla says:

    I was engaged in the Santa Does the North Pole until the clown. By now I think most people realize clowns are at the very least extremely disturbed individuals or serial killers. It just seemed a little cheap like when a cat jumps out of the dark in the most tense part of a horror movie…

  7. April says:

    yeah, they all look high to me, so no telling what they’ve been up to


  8. Carol says:

    Now there’s one to read to the kids.

  9. Sara says:

    Oh Stitchy girl, I needed that today :)

    That there shoulder touch that Santa is bestowing on the clown…
    Back in high school my art teacher was named Mr. Guidi – great , nice guy, but…
    We used to joke that there was good touch, bad touch and Guidi touch.
    That’s what Santa is doin’, mm hmmm.

  10. Hollabollalla says:

    My wuzbund and I are still friends and still have some ‘pet’ phrases we use. There used to be this news anchor in the bay area named Wendy Takuda. Anyway, there was this news story about a whale someone named Humphrey that kept getting lost and swimming up the delta, and Wendy advertised that she was going to start an institute for “troubled mammals like Humphrey.” From then on anyone we didn’t care for became a troubled mammal. I simply love the idea of the ‘Guidi’ touch and give you permission to use the ‘troubled mammal’touch in 2007.

  11. Jenn says:

    I feel like my life has come full-circle. The Museum of Bad Art email newsletter just said Stitchy will be doing a book signing… My golly– fun and quirky mediums collide!

    Go, Stitchy! Yay!

  12. Wood says:

    Better Than You August 31, 2011 02:21NO obviously ce&y8r#v217;s lucky that lackey was serving up bp. And the fact that fenway park’s little league distance right field allowed him to go sans stadium, pretty lucky guy. 0  3

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