Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On July - 15 - 2007   ShareThis

My hamp, my hamp, my lovely lady lamps!

Click here to Sing along!

What you gon’ make with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch some crap
Get you kitsch drunk off my lamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my lovely little lamps (Check it out)

I drive these crafters crazy,
I do it on the blogee,
They treat me really sweetly,
Though I post infrequey.

Red Heart and Lion-a
Orlon and Nylon-a
Caron, they be swearin’
All their cheap yarn I be wearin’ (not!)
Sister, I ain’t askin’,
They say they luv my sassin’
Someone screams, d’you want this?
I say no but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’
And now we can’t stop laughin’
We can keep on makin’
Fun of vintage fashion

My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lamps,
My lamp, my lamp, my lamp,
My lamps they got you,

She’s got me stitchin’
(Oh) Stitchin’ up this plastic canvas, this awful plastic canvas
She’s got me stitchin’
(oh) Stitching all this plastic uglee, uh-uglee, ugleee!

What you gon’ make with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch some bunk
Get you kitsch drunk off my lamp
What you gon’ do with all that canvas
All that canvas once it’s done?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
I fixed your room to fit the theme
Cos of my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my lovely lady lamps (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the craft sto’
She said hey hey hey, you sew!
I could be your baby, you could be my dummy
Let’s make crafts that aren’t crummy.
I mix your yarn wit my fun-fur stuff
Yarny, yarny fun-fur
Mix your yarn wit my fun-fur stuff, yarny, yarny riiiiiiiight.

They say I’m really crafty.
The boys they wanna be crafty
They always making macrame,
Always knitting next to me.
Tryin’ a steal my hamp, hamp.
Lookin’ at my lamp, lamp.
You can look but you can’t touch it.
If you touch it, I’ma start some drama,

Ok, wait a second. What the hell is this song about?? I’m no prude, but what kind of girl is this? I can’t make the whole art of craft fit into this seedy song. I need to go scrub my brain with a wire brush.

Categories: MOKS

36 Responses

  1. Carson says:

    Well done

  2. Nichole D. says:

    Creepy. does the lamp post come out of the dolls head? The poor thing. Impaled on a light source. That would scare the crap out of me if I was a little girl and had to look at it on my dresser every day.

  3. Jennifer says:

    That’s classic! :-)

  4. heather says:

    holy crap, that is fantastic…now I wonder if alanis morrisette will parody this too, hmmmm…


    Surprised this pattern didn’t come with a lady clown version for maximum creepyness…

  5. Knitwit says:


  6. Jess says:

    Now I have to clean cake crumbs off of my laptop screen. Thanks. 😉

  7. phoenix says:

    I can’t believe you listened to enough of that song to be able to write that many lyrics. Thanks for taking one for the team!

  8. Leigh Gibson says:

    Would you believe I actually had one of those when I was a kid. She was a spanish dancer and I thought she was beautiful?!?!?!?
    I am embarrassed to have admitted that.

  9. PG says:

    oh my god I used to have something like this, but she had pouches under her skirts for something or other (jewellery? Makeup?)and she had cherry pompoms decorating her. I thought she was wonderful…(I was only about 7)

  10. Tamara says:

    Now that is talent, woman.

  11. Anonymous says:

    LMH(Hump)O!!! JUST. NOT. RIGHT… in so many ways!

  12. Steph says:

    Beautiful! Just beautiful!!

  13. lesley says:

    ROFLMAO!!! That was awesome!! My soon to be X who works in an urban restaurant told me that he actually gets alot of female customers that pays for the guy on dates! Sometimes all their friends too!! Personally I think that any woman that does that should have HER head examined but hey I guess it is a culture thing.

  14. April says:

    I HATE PLASTIC CANVAS SO MUCH. I used to work for the one of those craft and all their plastic canvas junk was SO scary. That song is awful isn’t it? gyah

  15. April says:

    OMG, that’s a pattern book from the very place I used to work for. OH the horrors, they’re still at it.

  16. Patricia says:

    I would have wanted one of those to light up my little girl life when I was a little girl. I”m well past that phase…

  17. tina says:

    oh. god. that is so wrong. R-A-W-N-G-wrong. I can’t wait to send it to my 16-year-old daughter, who knows all the real words. Warped for life, yo! Thanks!

  18. Dana says:

    Patently Insane.


  19. ld says:

    tina: there are REAL WORDS? but these are real words. haunting me daily, but real words non-the-less.

    it hurts.

  20. ld says:

    oh. I just looked at the video. Well, much of it. I had to stop. Stop to scrub my brain with a wire brush…

    I get it now.

    You really are a genius and a martyr.

  21. ld says:

    The parodies go on. Original, parody, and parody parody:

    Black Eyed Peas version:

    Allanis Morrisette version:

    My humps, my dumps:

  22. Ann says:

    Stitchy, you are brilliant!!! The plastic canvas, it burns my eyes!! I LOLed so much! Glad you’re back.

  23. Glad to have you back, Stitchy! The Blogosphere wasn’t really the same. :-)

    PS- I went to a thrift not long ago and there were TONS of plastic canvas craft books in the crafting section….

    Tissue holders…

    Napkin holders…

    Build your own home out of plastic canvas!

    It wasn’t pretty.

  24. ld says:

    I love my pink yarn over plastic canvas tissue box cover. I do. I can’t help it. It goes with my pink flamingos.

    This may explain why I found the Stitchy hamp/lamp song so calming when I thought my mini cooper was stolen when it was merely towed by the university “public safety” department. Lesson? Yes. Look deep in the local shrubbery for hidden “vehicles will be towed” signs. Sneaky bastards.

  25. JenMuse says:

    This parody is even better than Alannis’s! What a scream! Love it love it love it!

  26. Anonymous says:

    To bad you don`t actually put some of the old patterns on your site, talk about how funny it would be to see some of these awful crafs get new life done in updated colors, and texures.

  27. Kellee says:

    My birthday? September 13th. Just sayin’ is all.

  28. Caterwaul says:

    Absolutely perfect – the song, the post, the surreal craftingness. Rock on, McYarny!

  29. nishanna says:

    damn it, it seems my Google Reader isn’t picking up your feed anymore. I *just* read this bit of genius today. You are hysterical. seriously.

    (and maybe i’ll share the lyrics to Rip It Back to the tune of rolling stones Paint it Black. It practically writes itself.)

  30. emma says:

    You are a genius. I am curtseying right now as a mark of respect, m’lady.

  31. Sunfleur1 says:

    OMG! I am dying. That was great.

  32. Deb says:

    Uh, wait a minute, are you the Bard of Knit? Me thinks this is your calling!!!

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