The 2008 Webby Award Winners have been announced!

The winner of the juried award is: Passive-AggressiveNotes.com

Congrats to a worthy competitor. Here is my first submission.  Maybe I can be part of an award-winning website after all. 😉

As the last day for voting in the People’s Voice Awards approaches (last day to vote is May 1st!), we’re once again joined by the incorrigible Hipsey Twins, Hazel and Harold.

Last year they gave us an eye-opening look at the Webby Awards and this year, they’ll be presenting their analysis on this years’ competition and our chances of securing last place. It’s looking good!

Let’s begin by reminding everyone about how the voting works. Harold, its been a year since we last spoke. Surely you’ve had time to really think about this subject and you appear to have the notes we wrote for you with the proper answers. So tell us, Harold, how can patrons of the Museum vote for us in the People’s Voice Awards? Please read the sentence marked #1.

I don’t need to go #1. I already did. Before.

Hazel? Little help?

Sure thing! If readers feel that the Museum of Kitschy Stitches is deserving of their vote, they can sign up at the People’s Voice website and find our ballot in the first section called “Connection” in the “Weird” category.

Registration is quick and easy, and definitely worth the time to help support someone whose very sanity lies in the balance.

Terrific! Umm . . wait, what was that about someone’s sanity?

Oh nothing, just a little joke.

Hey, I know a joke! Knock knock!

. . .

I said Knock knock!

~sigh~ Who’s there?

I’m a pileup!

I’m a pileup Who?

Ha ha ha ha!! Pile of poo! Ha ha ha. You said pile of poo! You’re a pile of poo!!

Great. So Hazel, despite her efforts, it seems that the curator of the museum can’t seem to catch a break in this competition. What do you think is her biggest hurdle? Is it her lack of commitment to regular posting? Is her material getting stale? Are people actually starting to like crocheted pantsuits and no longer wish to see them mocked? Or MOKed, as it were?

I believe that all of those are definitely issues. Ms. McYarnpants certainly isn’t prolific, is she? She simply can’t keep up with her competition. It’s been rumored that the museum’s entire “staff” is merely an invention. A literary apparition, if you will. I heard she has a desk job in an office and has been actually threatening her co-workers with bodily harm if they don’t vote for her. I recommend they empty their staplers and maybe bring in their own tea bags for a few weeks.

Quite simply, Ms. McYarnpants needs to step up her game.

I found a outfit made of granny squares for a cat in Stitchy’s garbage can! She said she was going to try to compete this year by forcing her aminals into little outfits and making funny words to go with it. She was all scratched up and bloody. I think it didn’t work.

Interesting. And sad. Well, thank you kids. Do you have any final thoughts on the Webby Awards and the MOKS nomination?

Stitchy stinks.

Simply being nominated for a Webby Award is quite an honor and I don’t think the museum is looking this gift horse in the mouth. Ms. McYarnpants has gained a lot of readers from her new exposure and has actually had some lovely email interactions and gotten some amazing feedback that have really made all the hard work worthwhile. In the end, it’s all about making people happy.

Hazel, you’re a dork. Kitties are a million times better that this pileup who. Can we look at some cute animals now?

Well, that was another very insightful conversation with at least half of the Hipsey Twins. And don’t forget, there’s still time to help the museum make a push for fourth place! Vote now and vote often!

As soon as word got around our administrative offices that we had lost the Webby award, the award that was going to be the answer to all of our problems, both professionally and personally, the staff pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and went to the liquor store. After a long, disturbing evening in the conference room, they decided that the only thing to do was to offer the public what it was looking for. Clearly the exhibits in the Museum had gotten stale. The market had changed. Kitsch is out and cute is in!

It’s been a wonderful week, full of camaraderie and enthusiasm. The entire MOKS staff banded together and worked towards a common goal. That goal? To please you, the patrons of our humble museum. For without you, we’d have to go back to our previous jobs. Without going into detail, let’s just say that none of us want to climb back into the barrel to face those angry bulls.

Gail from HR brought in her sister-in-law, Madeline, who has the most adorable seeing eye dog you’ve ever seen. Lady Winslow of Duckingham has done an admiral job considering she’s never actually been trained to be a service animal. You see, Madeline’s eyesight was just fine until Gail decided to knit her a pantsuit. The unusual color combination left her disoriented and she suffered severe nerve damage from the undulating geometric hellscape. Some doctors have suggested her blindness is simply a defense mechanism and that as soon as she works up the nerve to tell Gail how much she hates the gift, her sight will return. Isn’t Lady a pretty girl? Who’s a pretty dog? You are! You are, Lady Winslow!

Tammy in Reception was eager to share her most prized possessions, a pair of her favorite troll dolls. Her desk is littered with them, but she insists that these are the cream of the crop. She’s knitted tiny little outfits for all of them, including Elvis and Marilyn here. She thinks they’re just the cutest thing she’s ever seen and can tell you so in any of a thousand ways. Many employees have mastered the art of Tantric Urination, choosing to hold it all day rather than risk walking by her desk and hearing all about the latest mischief in Trollsylvania. But hey, who are we to judge?

Of course, Tammy in Accounting had to get in on the action. When she was done, she offered up her own favorite troll doll. No one is sure if she’s making fun of Reception Tammy or if, in some odd way, they’ve formed a kind if kinship over the years. After all, who else in the office but Reception Tammy would ever offer you a breath mint and some fresh panties with such unquestioning perkiness? Accounting Tammy’s favorite character is the apltly named “Trolling for a Guy” doll. I bet you’ve never seen a half-inch hand-knit thong, have you? We have.

The Board of Directors even opened the gates of the corporate day care center and let us pick out a few of our favorites for the new exhibit. These three were cutifying themselves very industriously as we made our second walk-through. We all agreed that they had what it took, and they did. Choosing carefully between spots and plaid, festooning themselves with cardboard stars, these babies were committed. I mean, how did they even get their widdle hands on Superglue in the first place? But as with all good things, it ended in tears and puddles of striped and polka-dotted piddle. I guess that’s what happens when you choose to diaper with floating strips of ethereal gauze. But still, they’re pretty cute. In a soggy-gauze-that-leaks-pastel-rainbows kind of way.

And finally, Vito in Security went above and beyond the call of duty. Knowing that animals were where it’s at, he spent the entire morning at the park collecting specimens and the rest of the afternoon nailing fastening installing squirrels onto various surfaces around the exhibit halls. This way, everyone can enjoy them at their leisure. SO cute. Thanks Vito, there’s going to be a little extra something in next week’s paycheck.

We hope you enjoyed the new exhibit, feel free to feed the squirrels. Just don’t be insulted if they ignore you. They’ve all had quite a day.

Hey kids, guess what!? The Museum of Kitschy Stitches has been nominated for a Webby Award!

It’s true! Ain’t that a kick in the ample pants? We’re here with the adorable Hipsey Twins and they’re going to tell us how you can help the Museum’s creator and curator, Stitchy McYarnpants, win the prize. A prize which may or not be a sexy, leg-shaped lamp!

So tell us, Harold, what is a Webby Award?

My pants itch. I have itchy yarnpants.

Heh heh, kids. That’s great, Harold. But about those awards . . .

A Webby Award is a thing that lets you make people see how good you are at things!

Terrific. Hazel, do you know anything about the Webby Awards?

Sure. The Webbies have been purported to be the Oscar Awards of the internet. And in many ways, they are. Websites must submit their site for review by an esteemed panel of judges. This year, over 8,000 websites from over 60 countries entered. It’s quite an honor to be nominated.

Wow, that’s pretty impressive. Harold, any idea how winners are selected?

I eated yellow snow once. I thought it was lemon-flavoreded, but I don’t think it was. Mommy cried into her hands for a little while after I told her. I think you win if you only ever eat the right snow.

Your mother is very brave. Hazel, any thoughts on the process?

Each nominee actually has two chances to win. You see, the Webby Awards take a two-pronged approach to the contest. One relies on the vast experience of The International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, which is comprised of an array of respected individuals from all over the professional spectrum. Some notable members are David Bowie, Beck, Arianna Huffington, and Matt Groening. This panel will select a winner from the nominees in each category.

The second is the aptly named “People’s Voice” award and allows the public to vote for their favorite nominees. This approach satisfies both the need to establish intellectual excellence through unbiased examination of a website’s content and to allow nominees to launch elaborate campaigns to garner support so the general public can decide who they feel most deserves the award.

I farted.

Thank you, Hazel. And how can people vote for their favorite nominees?

They can visit the home page for the People’s Voice award. Registration is required, but it only takes a few seconds. It’s well worth it to help your favorite website gain the recognition they deserve for all their hard work and long hours of trying to please their beloved readers. Should they choose to support Ms. McYarnpants and her effort to preserve the rich history of handmade fashions, they can find her ballot in the Websites section under the heading “Weird”. While this may seem rather an odd category, Ms. McYarnpants believes she’s much better off in there rather than one such as “Humor”, where she’d have to duke it out with heavyweights like The Onion and Stephen Colbert.

Well, thank you for that in depth look at the Webby Awards, Hazel. It’s been a pleasure.

. . .

~sigh~ Harold, would you like to add anything?

Stitchy said that she wants to win because she thinks Stephen Colbert is going to win and she wants to go to the awards show so she can stand near him and have someone take a picture so it looks like they were hanging out and laughing and having fun, even though they weren’t.

‘member I said I farted. I didn’t. I pooped.

Ok, well, there you have it folks. Get out there and make Stitchy McYarnpants’ dream come true! Even if it is a dream of being surreptitiously photographed with an unsuspecting celebrity.

Voting ends on April 27th, so make sure you use all your email addresses, even the one you use for porn sites, to vote early and vote often!