Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On December - 20 - 2004   ShareThis

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Good intentions gone bad isn’t that what the holidays are all about? Here at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, we understand that it’s the thought that counts. What we don’t understand is just what on God’s Green Earth some people are thinking. Honestly, wouldn’t a simple card or a punch in the face suffice? We know we’d rather have our hamstrings sliced than get another lovely frock for the dishwashing liquid. But if there’s a not-so-special someone in your life that’s just not taking the hint from the restraining orders, perhaps some of the pieces in our Ho Ho Holy Crap Gallery will inspire you.

As ever, click on a picture to see larger version.

This festive wreath evokes all the charm and warmth of a toilet seat on a cold Christmas morning. Honestly, spend the $5 at the grocery store and get a real one. Or go into the woods to collect some fresh foliage and make one. Or steal one from the neighbors. Or buy a plastic one. Or hang a dead cat on your door. Anything but this.

Kids at the playground can be cruel sometimes. If you want to make sure they always are, knit your grandson a sweater that will earn him wedgie after wedgie. It’s yellow. It has a bear on it. The bear is a baby. The baby is wearing a diaper. A diaper. On a boy’s sweater. What the hell, grab a handful of underoos yourself once everyone is done opening their presents, perhaps it’ll be the makings of a beloved family tradition.

Pssst! When you told your sister that your wanted to make her a sweater for Christmas, she didn’t say “Oh, duck!”

Ding Ding Ding! We have a classic! For years, tissue cozies have darkened the doorways of people all around the world. Joyeux Noel, here eez a geeft for your tissues! Froehliche Weinachten, ve haf ways off making you keep your tissues cosy. Bono Natale, I hope-a you like-a the gift-a I bought for your-a Kleenex. Merry Christmas, I didn’t feel like spending any money on you or putting any thought into your gift, and I had all this cheap yarn to use up, so . . .

You know what this world needs? Fewer drunk rabbits in yellow pants ranting about the rising price of carrots and Medicare not covering the cost of his fake foot that those bastards thought was lucky – lucky for who, tell me that! – and another thing, I love you man. Merry Kizzm . . . kizzmu . . . kriszzmi . . . Happy Holidays ~belchhh~

So your nieces are well-adjusted and brimming with self confidence, eh? Makes you nuts, don’t it? Kids today need to learn that it’s not what’s inside that counts, it’s all about looks, baby. Size 0 clothing is on the rack for a reason, after all, and you’re not going to get on the Mtv by eating pizza. With this cool set of dolls, you can help them set those unattainable goals we all set for ourselves. This frumpy couple appears to be in love, but are they really happy? Do they look happy with those comfortably fitted clothes, oversized eyebrows, and outdated hair color? Click the picture to see what happened after they ate nothing but buttered beef for 6 months and subjected themselves to the ghouls at What Not To Wear. Zowie, now there’s a happy couple. Just don’t stand near them, they smell like rotting cows.

I am the Pom Pom King and you lesser Pom Poms will DO MY BIDDING! Go, my children, go into the night and bite the ankles of the unfortunate urchins who dared to receive me as a gift. They will rue the day they ever unwrapped that shiny, ribbony package and soon their delicious souls will be mine! Mwah ha ha ha haaaaa . . .

A lot of people thought it was cruel to conquer the planet of Floweria. Protesters were outraged when we captured and anally impaled its citizens for decorative purposes. But look how cute they are.

Live things are overrated and that’s why knitted plants are perfect. No challenge, no trying, no trying to try, no growth, no responsibility, no sense of accomplishment, no death. Isn’t that how life should be? Oh, and Happy New Year.

We at the MOKS were hesitant at first to include these Psychedelic Psnakes. They’re actually kind of cute. And therein lies their insidious nature. They’re almost cute enough to make. And when you give one to someone, you’ll do it out of genuine affection. They’ll even smile and say “How cuuuute!” when they open it. It will have prominent placement on the dresser for a while, but then it will start to be in the way. It will be moved to a shelf, but will keep rolling off because there’s not enough room. It will end up unknowingly kicked under the bed, where it will marinate in dust, old tissues, and toenail clippings. When it is recovered in 5 years during a frantic left-shoe search, it will be briefly mourned, maybe even dusted off a bit. And then it will be included in the next yard sale. To make it easier for everyone, please attach a price tag of 10 cents before wrapping to expedite the process.

In searching for items to enrich the Ho Ho Holy Crap Gallery, we came across a recurring theme among various craft patterns. It seems that whether you knit, crochet, sew, or just have a glue gun and some random offal around the house, you want to make a clown for someone. Yes you do. You do. Stop shaking your head and backing away and deal with the fact that because you are crafty, you want to make a clown. In just about every magazine we looked at, there are handcrafted clowns. Some happy, some crying, some evil, some disembodied, all wrong. And so in celebration of all things that would make the baby Jesus cry, we present for your dissatisfaction: A Very Clowny Christmas.

Hey, kid. When you go to sleep, I’m going to stuff you inside myself.

Now fussy babies can be scared straight!

Ooh, look! It’s Mr. Bear in his bow tie, Funky Monkey in his funny fez, and Conjunctivitis the Clown with his oozing eye infection. Let the puppet show begin!

At least some of these clowns are dead. And I have a pretty good idea who did it. Those live ones look pretty pleased with themselves.

This sanguineous fella is intended for decoration in a baby’s nursery. More specifically, for Rosemary’s baby’s nursery.

You may as well wrap a shiny new butcher knife with this lil’ treasure because when he comes to life, he’s just going to head to the kitchen to get one anyway. How else is he going to kill everyone in the house in a violent orgy of blood and screaming?


Thanks for dropping by, Happy Holidays!!

Stitchy

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48 Responses

  1. Jane says:

    OMG!! The very worst is that horrible fake plant, although the clowns are a very, very close second. Thanks for sharing. Merry Christmas.

  2. Hilarious. Insane asylums must have mandatory knitting sessions every other day.

  3. Dani says:

    Holy Crap I am laughing so hard there are tears rolling down my face. Even my fiance is laughing (which is pretty amazing – he is not exactly what you would call a blog lover). That is the funniest thing I have ever read. Merry Christmas!

  4. jenifleur says:

    ::shudder:: The Nightmare Before Christmas.

  5. Delia says:

    Where can I get my very own drunk rabbit in yellow pants? That, and I am fairly confident I am going to have nightmares about clowns tonight.

  6. Anonymous says:

    The truly frightening thing is that a lot of those look familiar. I think it may be time to weed out the pattern stash. . .
    julia fc
    mothheaven

  7. kweaver says:

    I am not worried about the little boy in the yellow sweater getting beat up…. he has a small wooden spoon to protect himself with.

  8. molly says:

    All of that is most definitely craptastic. You never fail to amuse me. Happy Holidays!

  9. Anonymous says:

    The horror . . . the horror!

    wendy

  10. Emily says:

    Laughing, howling, snorting! Those clowns are too much. I’m afraid I have hazy memories of something pom-pom-creature like in my past, I may need therapy.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Those are some scary ass clowns! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

    VaxGirl

  12. Fiber says:

    Fantastic. That last clown is really freaking me the hell out.

  13. Heather says:

    holy crapola in a can…that is some hideous sh^t. Wow that last clown looks like Pennywise from Stephen King’s IT.

    “we all float down here!!”

    Oh horrors, I am hiding under my desk.

    WTF! A knitted plant (smacks forehead) why have I been knitting hats this year…when I could have been knitting plants!!!

    Jebus, that is scary but damn you are funny!

  14. Maeve says:

    fabulous as always – but just wait – someone will actually think one of these is a good idea! personally, i’m a big fan of the wedgie sweater. i think we all know that one extra obnoxious kid who would really benefit from a good wedgie experience… 😉

  15. unravelme says:

    I am now afraid of clowns. Very afraid!

  16. You should post a clown warning on this post! I am seriously afraid of clowns and those scary yarn things really did nothing to subdue my fears. Scary, scary clowns. The plant – now that plant is funny!

  17. Miriam says:

    *laugh*… *gasp*… *tries to say something*… *can’t*… *laughs*

    M

  18. La says:

    Ok, how bad is it that I rather like the drunken bunny? But those clowns? I’ve had nightmares with those clowns in them as a child. *shudder*

  19. Anonymous says:

    ok i actually like the snakes. but i promise never to make one for anyone … ever. and i wasn’t afraid of clowns before but now i am. *shudder*

    maryse at http://morici.typepad.com/bag_n_trash

  20. Heather says:

    Oh God, the church bazaar flashbacks! Make them stop! LMAO

  21. Anonymous says:

    Beth at Big Geek
    I think that is Brooke Shields in the duck sweater. I could be mistaken. Lot’s of models got their start with bad knitting patterns.

  22. Agnes says:

    Almost laughed my a** off reading your post!!!!
    Have to agree with you on the wreath and bear-diaper sweater! Poor kid!

  23. OMG – I kept scrolling wondering when the madness was going to end! Are you serious?!?! Wow. That is all I have to say.

  24. melanie says:

    Um, I also like the drunken bunny with his yellow shorts. Save that pattern for me, would ya?

    …But burn the one for the plant. Dear God.

  25. crystal says:

    Is it just me, or is that kid in the baby bear diaper sweater totally giving the international signal that he has to go pee-pee? Either that or he’s matured fast for his age, the little whipper-snapper. There are only three words to describe these atrocities: Stink, Stank, Stunk.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Holy mackanoli! what utter crap!

    on a side note – to enlarge ANY web page so you can read small type – hold the control button with your left pinkie and use the wheel thingie in the middle of the buttons on the mouse ( if you have a wheel thingie) and zoom Zoom ZOOM. And they said I needed reading glasses. pishaw!

  27. Leslie says:

    Too funny! And what about the knit/crocheted toilet tissue roll cover, made to look like a Barbie doll dress? Yikes!

  28. Kathen says:

    HA HA HA! Those clowns are so disturbing! Thank you for another great episode.

  29. mayflwr says:

    heheh funny!

    MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!:)

  30. Anonymous says:

    Oh, have I got an addition for your Museum of Kitschy Stitches!! I was reading another blog (swapatorium) and lo – ski masks! But not just any ordinary ski mask, but… well, you go take a look!

    http://swapatorium.blogspot.com/2004/12/ski-masks.html

    Enjoy!

    Lea
    http://kneedeepinfibers.blog-city.com

  31. Anonymous says:

    forgive me. i kinda liked the plant, and the snake. however, some of those clowns look chucky-inspired. i do like the afghan that was with the red-headed clown, though. they did have some bizarre stuff, didn’t they?
    Minnie aka dragonmom on KR

  32. Katy says:

    I have a little addition to your MOKS collection. I’ll be happy to send you a pdf file if you send me an email. It is from an old Lion Brand yarn ball wrapper. Lovely little crocheted cardi.

  33. Anonymous says:

    Oh my gosh – I can’t stand it! I’m laughing too, too hard to finish my clown cozy!
    Hilari
    http://www.20six.co.uk/MakeMe

  34. Mac says:

    I have a cousin who is deathly afraid of clowns [she’s 22]. I have this evil and compelling urge to knit one of those evil, evil clowns. *grin*

  35. Anonymous says:

    I love your MOKS, I can’t wait to read what you come up with next! Really great and Funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Thanks Tink

  36. justcinful says:

    You had me laughing so hard I was crying. Thank goodness I didn’t spit my soda at the computer when I read about the clown that was going to put the kid inside him!

  37. Anonymous says:

    Does that basket of knitted plants have a MOUTH? Look, there’s the teeth, and the tongue cleverly disguised as a bow….

    feeed me!

  38. Naomi says:

    You know, the psnakes might make decent cat toys if stuffed with catnip…

  39. Anonymous says:

    Stitchy McYarnpants, you are my hero!

    Kathleen

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  41. kalisekj says:

    Hey, I have enjoyed…your blog is informative – even entertaining.

    I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

    Thanks again and I’ll be sure to bookmark you.

  42. Carissa says:

    This is all so funny that I have looked at it every day since I discovered you!!!! I laugh so hard that I cry every time. MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!!

  43. kailah says:

    I tottaly love your cool and awsom things you made! I love every single one of the dolls! I love the tissue box one also!!! You should start selling some of the stuff beacause wow! that is just so amazing!!!

  44. Katrina says:

    My God! I have just started knitting again after a decade of quiescence and I find that I have the, dare I say- ability- to perpe..-no, crea..,-no, fois.., -no, ummmm, give these to kith and kin? These? Oh, what the hell have you been doing to knitting whilst I was gone? Where are the..oh, never mind, I’ll just keep reading what I missed and make sure that I don’t get ‘in on all the fun’. Thanks for the warning. And Happy Easter a little early.

    Katrina
    Why would I share this with a fiend? Oh, a friend…. Well maybe not just today, dear.
    Yeah, I think that’s Brooke Shields too.
    Let that little boy pee!
    K.

  1. […] And while I’m on about circus stuff, I’ve just remembered about Stitchy McYarnpant’s Christmas Craptacular, which included this winsome little fellow. I’ve been getting into all this crafty business recently but I can’t think of anybody I hate enough to prompt me to knit up a demonic clown. […]

  2. […] Leave me a comment by Friday evening about anything you want as long as it’s something happy! That’s easy, huh. Need ideas? How about a joke you love, or a blog post that makes you laugh every time you read it, or a knitting project gone wrong. Of course, you don’t have to share something related to knitting. This blog always makes me smile and it has nothing to do with knitting. […]

  3. […] Here’s an oldie but goodie from 2004 – the very first MOKS Christmas Craptacular! […]

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