Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On February - 24 - 2005   ShareThis

Before we enter our new exhibit, we at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches would like to apologize for the lack of an exhibit last month. The media has reported that we were experiencing plumbing problems, but as loyal museum members, we felt we owed you the truth. And now that the epidemic has been contained, we can finally share the facts. Unfortunately, we experienced a serious outbreak of yarn sores in January. It was a tragic, yet eerily cheerful scene as this acrylic plague tore through our offices and galleries. Everyone was covered in colorful tufts, from the receptionist to the security guards. Believe us when we say that a guard covered in fuzzy, rainbow-colored puffballs is not an effective deterrent to would-be thieves. Our receptionist, Tammy, on the other hand, really enjoyed herself and coordinated outfits to match her daily outcropping of fluffy sores. Eventually the Center for Disease Control had to become involved. Armed with sweater shavers, they worked tirelessly until the problem was eradicated. We have all received vaccinations and do not expect another outbreak. We do, however, expect Tammy to continue pouting. We all appreciate your patience during this trying time.

And now, we are proud to present a brand new exhibit that is of a very personal nature. Our very own Stitchy McYarnpants recently attended the McYarnpants family reunion and has documented it so we may all share in her rich family tradition. Join us in the We Are Fam-i-ly Cafe, will you?
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As I entered the Knits of Columbus* hall, the sound of the Pointer Sisters’ We Are Family pounded through the air. I immediately turned around, got back into my car and drove home. After 20 minutes of furious pacing in my living room, I returned to the McYarnpants family reunion. The Pointer Sisters were still going on about their sisters and them. It was going to be a long night. As usual, very few of the McYarnpants men bothered to show up, which left me wondering if they had switched to wearing khakis and were ashamed.

*The Knits of Columbus was founded by my great grandfather, Zachariah McYarnpants.

The first McYarnpant to accost me was the swinging divorcee, Mandy McYarnpants. Since splitting with her ex-husband, Irving, she’s gotten waaay back into her roots. She only wears what she can knit. She’s working in a pair of lopi platform sandals to achieve complete yarnification. Unfortunatley for all of us, Mandy has never mastered the art of knitting undergarments. I hastily excused myself and tried not to gawk as she boogied down and flopped around.

As I turned, I ran right into Helen McYarnpants. A very distant and mysterious cousin, she prides herself on the geometry of her pantsuits. “My legs look like perfect tubes” she whispered, as she gently touched my face with her gloved hands. “The lines match up perfectly on the arms and the tubes.” She pulled my face close and confided “The bottom of the sweater is equidistant with the space between the stripes.” And with that, she drifted away. It was one of the more pleasant encounters I would have that evening.

A drink was overdue at this point, so I headed to the cash bar. Seated in the lounge was Aunt Sassy (her real name is Stacey, but everyone calls her Sassy). Ever the sex kitten, she hasn’t aged a day since anyone can remember. Oddly, she always appears somewhat monochromatic, but it looks good on her. “Well if it isn’t little Stitchy.” she purred, “Why don’t you get Aunt Sassy another Irish Coffee and tell me all about it.” Unsure about what “it” was, I complied and spent the better part of our conversation watching her primp and posture. The woman can really work a pair of wool leggings, I’ll give her that. Fantastic ribs and cabled striping. She’s a helluva McYarnpant. But she has an unnerving way of looking at you like you’re a tasty chicken leg, so I moved on.

In the corner, I saw my cousin Barbie McYarnpants and her brother Ken. Uh-oh, did I just let loose with a deep dark family secret?

Nearby, I was surprised to see the black sheep of our family, Trisha McYarnpants. Also known among the cousins as “Trashy McNopants”. Her mother disowned her, but apparently she’s still on the family email list.

And then it happened. The one person I didn’t want to see was suddenly filling my entire field of vision. It was my uncle Bibba’s third wife, Mitzi Stiffle-McYarnpants. Mitzi is the cute-n-spunky drummer for The Giggles. They make upbeat music about self-esteem and proper hygiene. When I asked if it was music for kids, she squeaked and said, “No, silly. It’s for EVERYbody!” and poked my nose with her drumstick. She also believes that humans can fly if they love enough. She never stops trying. I have no idea what her outfit was knit from, but she was leaving strange marks everywhere she sat. I think it might have been a cheddar/sandpaper blend.

She had her kids in tow, as well. Here’s little Oompah.

And this is Loompah and Verouca.

Mitzi has issues.

Luckily, I was rescued by my niece, Erin McYarnpants. She’s a sweet girl, despite the fact that ever since a nasty bump on the head she thinks she’s a true leprechaun. She’s always on about rainbows and clovers and pots o’ gold and her burning hate for Jennifer Aniston. I’m not really sure where the lederhosen fit into the whole thing, but I’m sure she has her own reasons. However, when I got a look at those fantastic boots, well, her luck ran out. I slipped her a Mickey and when she was unconscious, I took off with them.

Don’t worry, I didn’t drug her, I got her stuck in a conversation with Mickey McYarnpants, the most annoying girl in the world.

I’ll give you one guess about what she likes to talk about. All the time. Without stopping. The big-wigs at Disney have actually sent her cease and desist letters. All of the costumed characters at the parks have restraining orders against her. She’s even banned from owning pet mice (this is a long and disturbing story). She was especially proud of her new outfit and explained as she danced to the Pointer Sisters. You see, it looks just like frosting on a cake! A Mickey Mouse cake! It’s Mickey Mouse just the greatest? Her favorite kinds of cakes are ones with pictures of Mickey Mouse on them. Her favorite kind of anything is the kind with Mickey Mouse on it. She thought it would be great if Mickey Mouse were singing We Are Family instead of the Pointer Sisters. She wishes Mickey Mouse was part of our family. Then he would have been there that night. This was about when Erin hit the floor and I got a new pair of boots. And baby, those boots were made for walking, so I walked right out the door.

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On the way out, this old family photo was on the wall, so I started running and never looked back.

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Thanks for joining me on this adventure! In the immortal words of Dorothy Parker, “This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”

Stitchy

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Categories: MOKS

36 Responses

  1. Lori says:

    wow. really. wow. Mandy with her pantsuit, Aunt Sassy’s stripe-y pants. Barbie & her BROTHER???

    I do think my favorite has to be Mitzi. Why is that not in style TODAY??? WHY???

    (Erin’s boots are great though!)

  2. hockey mom says:

    Why do I identify with Trisha/Trashy?

    Thanks for a look into your past life. Now I understand. 😉

  3. I’ll be back after I return from therapy…Ken and Barbie, siblings?! Good lord, my entire youth down the drains.

  4. Ann says:

    That is one terrible-with-raisins knitted family tree. I love it!

    though, I have an ominous feeling that Juicy Couture will be selling some version of Trashy McNoPants this year.

    • Dortha says:

      I thank you humbly for shnarig your wisdom JJWY

    • Thanks sis :) I agree, I think I really like making a list because it gets me out of the mindset of “I wonder if I will have the baby early,” or “I wish this baby would come early” or “I wonder what I can DO to make this baby come early” :) To, “I have so many things to do, this baby can’t come yet!” And then if I don’t get them all done it’s okay but I’ve still got “stuff” to do. I can’t believe you are already so close to your due date, I’m so excited for you sister!!

  5. Colleen says:

    If I can stop giggling long enough to finish typing, I’ll tell you that this is another great volume.

  6. Christie says:

    Good call on those boots. SASSY!

  7. Anonymous says:

    Where DO you find these things? I need to start me a collection like this. With raisins!

    — Norma (http://nownormaknits2.typepad.com)

  8. Leisel says:

    Wow… I think that Mickey sweater may just be the scariest knit thing I’ve seen (although those knitted ski masks that are faces are quite serious competition). Any other contenders I’ve successfully (at least for the moment) forgotten about.

  9. michellenyc says:

    What fresh hell is this??

    so geniusy!!!

  10. michellenyc says:

    OH – and was the Mickey Dress made from recycled Yarn Sores???

    maybe that’s where the outbreak started??

  11. You are one funny knitblogger, McYarnpants! :)

  12. Cheryl says:

    and where does Michael Jackson fit in this scenario??

  13. Elisa says:

    I think Trashy’s my fave. :)

    Glad to hear your yarn sores are all better.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Holy Mary Mother of God.
    That’s all I can think.

    Steph
    (yarnharlot)

  15. Rebekah says:

    Can I just say, you’re my hero. Okay really, that was a hoot and a hanny as my mother would say. Thanks for brightening up my ever so glum day.

  16. Elizabeth says:

    Another fantastic exhibit at the MOKS!! Thanks for letting us in on your family reunion, I’m going to be laughing all weekend.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Loompah and Verouca! That was priceless, as always. Thank you… I really needed to laugh hysterically today! :O)

  18. Theresa says:

    Ah! I didn’t mean to be anonymous…

  19. maryse says:

    aww i think your family is cute. you’re too hard on them … i love mitzi’s gauchos

  20. Brewgal says:

    OMG! I haven’t laughed so much about knitting in a looong time! Now I’m inspired to dig out all those old knitting patterns in my stash.

  21. Hilari says:

    Don’t worry, I’ve called Child Protective Services. Little Oompah, Loompah & Veruca are safe now. ALthough Veruca keeps shouting “I want a golden pair of gaucho knickers and I want them now!”

  22. Tere says:

    WHERE do come up with this stuff? You should consider being a stand up comedian or a story teller for children (or adults) or something. I love reading your blog, by the way, and I’ve linked you to my blog page because your entries make me smile (I linked the page where you showed us what Dot had pooped out). Thanks :)
    Tere

  23. kris says:

    fantastic exhibition as always! i’ll never complain about my own family again.

  24. Alana says:

    This is just hilarious. I was laughing so hard in my cube at work that someone just came over to see what was wrong and if I was ok!!!

  25. Brynne says:

    Trashy McNopants has to be the best name I’ve ever heard. I laughed out loud so long that my eight month old son was looking at me like I was crazy.

  26. Just…wrong. Those poor, poor, poor, poor…well, I’m assuming they got paid to wear those things, but still. Those pictures are forever. Damn!

  27. Debbie says:

    LOL You are the Funniest knitty blogger I read! I come to your site to keep my McHeart healthy.

    Keep posting.

  28. JoanG, a clandestine knitter says:

    Ms. McYarnpants, you are the second biggest reason I have to double the number of underdrawers I have to keep. That and the fact that I had six children in rapid succession buy let us not get bogged down in details!

  29. Carrice says:

    What a breath of fresh air this MOKS is. And I didn’t have to pay an admission charge or stiffle my laughter! I’m so glad that others have linked your page. I will spread the gospel of the MOKS to others and convert them as well.
    Can’t wait for more exhibits to open!
    (Although I was a little disappointed there were no clowns in your family).

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