Posted by Stitchy McYarnpants On August - 30 - 2005   ShareThis

Welcome to the brand new wing of the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, sponsored by frightened hordes of knitting designers who paid us off to never mention them or their rotten designs. Using their contributions, which totaled over 18 billion dollars, we built the Karma Chameleon Complex, including the renowned Tumble 4 Ya Sculpture Park. The complex features fully mirrored floors and ceilings with gold-plated fixtures. The walls are covered with artfully splattered paint in hot neon colors. Masterpieces by Nagel, Haring, and Kliban are displayed throughout the building. The complex will house a collection of travesties from the glory days of the 1980’s, a prohibitively expensive time in knitting history due to the voluminous styles loved by all. Dolman sleeves, baggy sweaters, and bunchy leg warmers were the order of the day and a “fitted” top meant that you could only fit one other person inside. The artifacts within this exhibit have been painstakingly gathered so that we, as a community, could seek to answer the age old question of the 80’s: “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” It is apparent that the answer is a resounding “Yes!”


How did anyone manage to knit this sweater? I mean, besides the fact that it used up the entire world’s yarn supply for an entire year, it must have taken at least that long to knit this monstrosity up. And at the cost of a whopping $32,450 to make, who had the money? And where exactly do you store 5,000 balls of yarn while you’re knitting it? And how does the wearer fit through doorways when you’re done? Does she even have a right arm, or is that just a pile of knitted fabric in its place? Was the arm removed specifically to accommodate the sweater or was it just a happy coincidence that she was without it? How far out would this sweater be billowing if she didn’t have it smartly belted, not that, god forbid, she’d ever leave the house with an unbelted sweater. There are too many questions left unanswered with this thing. Oh how I long for the days of crocheted hot pants using a single skein of yarn.


I think it’s time we finally face the debilitating curse that affected so many of the fashion mavens among us. Popeyeism. This disease was most identifiable by the increased size of the shoulder/arm region. The example above shows advanced Popeyeism of the upper arms. Before this photo was taken, the model was seen squeezing a can of spinach until the top popped open. She then flipped her head back and swallowed the entire contents of the can, afterwards callously throwing the empty can behind her. Others afflicted may experience inflammation of the forearm, which is often accompanied by the appearance of an anchor-shaped marking on the arm or chest. Speech impediments and speaking from the side of one’s face while smoking a pipe from the other are also known symptoms. Luckily, Popeyeism was wiped out by the early 90’s, but a new batch of outbreaks are expected among teenagers who consider the 1980’s to be “retro” and “funny”. They will start wearing restyled 80’s-esque clothing for the sake of “irony” until they eventually become the very thing they’re making fun of. Let’s all enjoy it, shall we?


Smart brides really put the “Maid” in “Bridesmaid”. Don’t let that bitch try to upstage you! Put her in her place from Day One. Better put the flower girl on notice, too. Who even said your spoiled rotten little niece could be in this wedding, anyway?


Yes, let’s all Get Physical! Let’s exercise in shiny acrylic sweaters that will trap the sweat as though we were wearing Ziploc baggies. And don’t forget the non-absorbent sweat band that will slowly creep down as we tediously lift our 3lb weight until it smudges our Aquatic Blue eyeshadow. And legwarmers, yes! Because when we sprain our ankles and scrape our calves on the cheap stationary bike pedals that we forgot don’t work right, we’re going to need something to cover the bruises and swelling. And throw a mullet in there for good measure. Taa-daa, I have just helped you experience what it was really like in the mid-80’s in a few short sentences. You owe me.


Is it just me or does this sweater not seem all that warm?


Things were not always as they seemed in the 80’s. Illusions were all around us in this veritable land of make-believe. Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that the US was being led by an actor who once performed with chimps. (The chimps have certainly come a long way since then, eh?) And nowhere was this penchant for fantasy more evident than in fashion.


Hey! I remember this commercial!

“With the addition of a microwave to every kitchen has come the advent of an array of tasty, fat-laden snacks. Waistlines are expanding, boobs are sagging, butts are spreading in entirely new directions. But don’t put down that Hot Pocket, put on this fantastic new bikini bod instead! That’s right, the new Knit-a-Body system allows you to enjoy the highly processed carbohydrates that are so important to today’s modern lifestyle and still look totally bitchin’! Available in Beach Babe, Voluptuous Valley Girl, and Preppy Prostitute. And now for the guys, there’s the Bulging Bohunk!”


Yeee-haw! Who doesn’t love a pair of overalls fit for a fancy hoedown? Well, slap my knee, turn me blue, and stick my head in a milk jug, this gal, that’s who! She’ll be a monkey’s mama if she can’t figure out those ding-danged clasps that hold everyone else’s pants on. Nope, her uncle daddy never did teach her about such finery. ¢â‚¬ËœSides, how’s she gonna find a man if she’s spendin’ all her time fussin’ with those silly pant-holder-uppers? Shoot fire, y’all are crazy! But they do look purty and all the fellers love a filly with her thumbs hitched in a pair of metal clasps, all sexy like. So what else is a gal to do but keep her britches accessible with grandma’s patented fauxveralls?


The only thing more ridiculous than fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs wrapped around the shoulders is fake nautical clothing with huge handkerchiefs knitted around the shoulders. “Look, she like boats!” this sweater begs. “See, she has a little boat. And she’s smiling!” it pleads as is tries to convince onlookers of its authenticity. “She’s wearing a Gilligan hat! She’s totally seaworthy!” it blubbers as it chokes back the tears. I wouldn’t scrape barnacles with this thing.


And just a reminder for anyone who thinks otherwise; the 80’s weren’t good for anyone.‚  (click the photo for a close-up of the world’s most pissed-off cat. And I’m sorry to say, it is not photoshopped.)


Categories: MOKS

59 Responses

  1. Stacy says:

    Like.. Oh MY GAWD!! That’s like tohtally Grody to the Max!..Like, You Know?!

    Oh sweet gods in heaven!
    Please, don’t let this stuff come back around.. Please.. God No!

  2. AmyP says:

    I was laughing… until the cat
    What’s the US version of the RSPCA? That woman should be locked up for cruelty to animals and crimes against fashion!

  3. Laurie says:

    Fabulous commentary! The cat was the capper. There isn’t a word in Yiddish beyond schmata that can capture any of these heinous crimes.

  4. happyspider says:

    Omigod! i saw that bikini sweater pattern in a second-hand book shop last week and laughed so hard i cried and freaked out the store owner… how very coincidental.
    “Don’t have a waste or freaky orange tan? crochet yourself one!”
    *wipes tears from eyes

  5. Kate says:

    The woman holding the cat looks a little concerned, as well she should since the bundled cat is ready to claw her eyes out.

  6. Cheryl says:

    I love the picture of the cat!!! The woman looks like she is sacrificing it to some cult god.

  7. Gina says:

    You really need to post a disclaimer when you do these sorts of posts: “Please wear your Depends and do not drink whilst reading!”.

  8. tabbytuxedo says:

    I think I just aspirated my tea. Oh my God that is hilarious. That cat looks so pissed off to be cozied up in that nightmare. The “overalls” and knitted tan and bikini are priceless.

  9. Martita says:

    Oh my God, that poor cat.

  10. Cambria W says:

    Someone should call the ASPCA to report a vicious act of animal cruelty. That poor cat. But I may keep that in mind for the next time my cat decides to spray my $300 Coach bag!

  11. Theresa says:

    Marvelous. You’ve outdone yourself! Or maybe it’s that I was wearing those legwarmers mid-80’s… And that poor cat!

  12. IndigoMuse says:

    Thanks for leaving the cat for last. I could barely contain myself through this post. What were people thinking. Hideous, just hideous.


  13. chris says:

    OMG! Coffee shooting out my nose, I’m laughing so hard! Knitted cat cozy! EEP!

  14. Miriam says:

    OMFG!!! Although the rest of it was so amusing and made me glad that I was so young in the 80’s, The Cat Sackâ„¢ was the shocker!

  15. Jean says:

    Oh, that cat is so PISSED! Excellent examples of 80’s “fashion” :)

  16. Praxillea says:

    I thought my hats for cats was bad, OMG! I can’t stop laughing over that cat! Thanks so much for the laughs!

  17. amy says:

    That. Poor. Cat.

    OMG, I have to make one now…

  18. Juno says:

    I love the look on the cat’s face: “just let me get a paw free, bitch, then you’ll pay.”

    Do not anger the cat, they have a long mind for vengence.

  19. Lisa says:

    Oh that poor cat. lmao

  20. fiftympg says:

    Oh, come on, you all! Stitchy pasted those cat parts into the photo. No cat’s but is so big as to fill that woman’s hand! Funny as heck!

  21. Anne Marie says:

    That cat…someone ought to be arrested. As should the designer of the bikini top. Maybe not the other people…I think I sported a few of those sweaters in the 80s.

  22. megan says:

    who does that to a cat? Poor little thing.

    Love the blog.

  23. La says:

    OMFG! Must…Knit…Cat…Cozy!

  24. Soulknitting says:

    Hhehhehhhhe. You’ve done it again. Especially the CAT!!

  25. Kathy says:

    Holy crap, I just drenched my keyboard

  26. SCarrGo says:


    All Hail Stitchy!!!

  27. says:

    Who’s up for a Cat Cozy KAL?

  28. Donna says:

    That looks just like my cat — for the life of me, I do not know how they got that cat into that and lived to take the picture.

  29. Diane says:

    I’ve wet myself! i have!! i’m menopausal and that’s my excuse and i’m damn well sticking to it!!!Where do you get them from?i’ve laughed until the tears ran down my legs TeHe….That cat!!! resident evil or what??? and booby button woman…crikey i daren’t even risk one eye to look at her..she’d have your eye out! i think she’d forgot to remove the cornplasters she was using for her ” no bra” photo shoot!!ROFL

  30. TheBunny says:

    Was cocaine the drug of choice in the 80s in order to accomplish all that knitting or is all that knitting the result of all the cocaine?

    I’m seeing a definate connection though.

  31. PURLPOWER says:

    Maybe the cat was on coke as well….

    Laughing till I cried, I haven’t done that for such a long time, I’d forgotten how painful it is to laugh so hard. Thanks for reminding me Stitchy. Top bloggin’

  32. Jen says:

    Way too funny, esp. the cat! And yes, the 80’s were a bad fashion time for everyone…

  33. Anonymous says:

    You’d NEED those popeye arms to HAUL that first sweater out of the washing machine!!! It must weigh 2 tons when wet. You’d be dragged to at least your knees if you got caught in the rain.

  34. subloke? says:

    Okay, so first I thought I was having some sort of flashback, but the laughing and the fear of wetting myself snapped me out of it. So awesome! Where did you find these pics?

    The bikini sweater???? WTF???? The t-shirts were bad enough, but you know, those were purchased on a whim at the beach or the amusement park, but to choose that pattern, buy the yarn and actually KNIT IT??????

    Oh. Yeah. I’m not a cat person, but the picture of the homicidal cat in the cat bag (with convenient tail opening) made me snork and nearly choke on my supper. Then, it made me want to adopt that cat just to get it out of that horrible living situation!!!!

    Nicely done!

  35. Christie says:

    It’s a combo cat bed/litter box. Too much.

  36. Anonymous says:

    HA HA HA !!! That’s too stinking funny!

    Someone needs to explain to that designer what the term “catsuit” really refers to. Because that ain’t it!


  37. Anonymous says:

    Fauxveralls . . .
    *snork* *giggle*
    *tinkle tinkle*
    (that’s me wetting my pants)
    julia fc

  38. Rabbitch says:

    the cat. the cat, the cat, the cat.

    you owe me a new keyboard.

  39. April says:

    I think I hyperventilated … by the time I got to the cat I was SCREAMING. What a fright – I oughta know – “Class of ’87” whyaah
    You have a literary gift, and could write a book, or a sit com script! sigh, that was great and horrific… I’m so confused.

  40. jpt says:

    So the twisted designer who came up with the cat thing … do you think there were multiple fittings to get the sleeves lengths correct? Seriously though, this picture proves that there’s more to knitting photography than lighting and focus … there’s not being crazier than a loon.

  41. patti says:

    Holy crap are you funny!!! You just gave the biggest laugh this morning, thanks SO much! BTW, you should have posted a warning that when you click on the JLO link, she will start SINGING at you!

  42. Stacy says:

    I agree that the designer of the cat-sack should be locked up in an acrylic straight jacket, but have we all forgotten about that poor bridesmaid and flower girl? Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.

  43. Beth says:

    Oh. My. God.

    My mom has that issue of Knitters with the cat abomination.

    I’m so glad I didn’t start knitting again until the late 80’s. Of course, the 70’s were bad enough.

  44. elisa says:

    Stunned. Floored. Speechless.

    Okay – not entirely speechless. That poor cat. That poor, poor cat. I mean, that poor cat!

  45. Ann says:

    Ok. I was, like, remembering something I had? that was just like that? and that? and omigawd! — that? Feeling like my best fashion years were behind me when I saw the cat….Jolted back to the present and glad to be here. Except, I really do miss my garter stitched-so-that-it-looks-like-chenille maid/little house on the praire apron. Really.

  46. Dani says:

    First off, your opening paragraph made me want to go find a “Best of Culture Club” CD. Secondly, I have to hang my head in shame because I think the overall vest is kinda cute.

  47. maryse says:

    you’re nuts.

    and can i just say how happy i am to have not recognized any of those garments as something i might have knitted up in the 80’s!

    and that cat thing … a tragedy

  48. Juanita says:

    That cat is PISSED!!

  49. Carrie says:

    You had me at the commentary on the legwarmer trio, but the cat sack forced the coffee out my nose. Photoshopped or not, that pic is priceless. Sick and priceless.

  50. sarah nicole says:

    Oh my gosh! I almost died. I think I shot diet coke out my nose like Carrie. That cat is killer!

  51. Kelly Marino says:

    I laughed until I cried!!! Freakin’ hysterical.

  52. It was all good till I got to the cat. Unbelievable. Is that for real?!?

  53. Kathen says:

    The cat! OMG, if just getting a cat into a regular carrier is risky, how the heck did they get that ticked off cat into that thing?!

    (Umm…Stitchy…I hate to be picky, but…is there a MOKS Vol. VI?)

  54. jeanne says:


    Please, so I can have the experience of simultaneously laughing til my face hurts and losing control of my bladder, WRITE A BOOK about all the MOKS! You know there’s plenty of material out there.

    I gotta go lie down…

  55. jessica~ says:

    Those pictures are so funny!! Those bridesmaid dresses! Oh, man.

  56. horrified says:

    That woman holding the cat seems… tense. I think deep down she knows that if she let herself start screaming, she’d never be able to stop.

  57. Connie says:

    Oh my God. Oh. My. God. HA!
    Ya notice the cat’s hind legs aren’t visible? Only the tail? Poor, poor creature!

  58. Brett says:

    I’m almost sure that the chilly model in the white sweater is Famke Jansen of X-Men fame.

  59. Verty says:

    The comment about the “not so warm” sweater cracked me up. Then the nautical pic where it looks like the girl is being forced to sit and wear it while she plays with a sailboat.
    “But moooom–”
    “Shut up Suzi! You will sit here until your father and I finish our martini on the deck.”

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