In her youth, Beverly was a lively brunette with a sparkle in her eye and a spring in her step. And then she made vacation plans that would change her life forever. It’s a little known fact that the owners of the Hotel California ran a ski lodge before expanding their franchise in the hospitality-of-the-damned business. And so Bev spent, and indeed, is still spending an eternity in the Ski Lodge California. Sure, she checked out, but she never could leave.

The old lodge did strange things to people and our Bev was not immune. As good as the hot cocoa was, it wasn’t enough to keep her personality from splintering into pieces, each one stranger than the next. Not even with the little marshmallows.

Breakfast Bev is the most bearable of the bunch, though the use of the term €œbrassy€ to describe her new personality, hair and skin is somewhat disturbing. If nothing else, her sweater is bright and cheerful and her eyebrows have remained unaffected by her jarring follicular transformation.

Lunchtime Bev ushers in the afternoon of the mustard smock. Inexplicable ¾ length sleeves allow her ever-present turtleneck to breath during it’s eternity of constant wear. Her golden tentacles are restrained in a bun to protect those around her from their grasp.

After-dinner Bev is a whole other story. It seems that a whole day of playing Yahtzee in limbo really packs on the years. The sparkle in her eye is lost to the dark holes of mascara and the turtleneck becomes the backdrop for a dramatic Reptilian Lace coverup. “Come, step in to my lair,” she hisses, “and fetch mama a glass of wine, will you?”

Just remember – if you ever get stuck at the Yarn Store California, you can stab it with your steely needles, but you just can’t kill that beast. But you can knit a cozy for it!