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. . . or opening old Christmas wounds. Either way.

Inspired by jenifleur in yesterday’s comments (she demands a Super Star Barbie). Did you have a favorite toy around 1978? Or did you beg and beg and beg for something, but never actually get it because your parents were mean and didn’t love you? Tell me what it was (or describe it as best you can) and I’ll see if Santa can find it in the Wish Book for you!

Now, girls, go put on your pretty dresses.

Boys, get your nice new slacks and tops on.

Mommy is going to wear her polyester caftan because once the holiday eating starts, it’s not going to stop until she’s asked to leave for making the rest of the family uncomfortable.

And Daddy is going to wear his new Mix-n-Match suit by Garanimals. I hope he wears the hippo jacket with the marmoset vest and hyena tie. Daddy’s such a stud.

Later on, we’ll change into our new family sleepwear set! The force is with us this year, kids.

Ready? It’s off to grandma and grandpa’s. We all know what grandpa is going to be wearing, right? That crazy, comfort-seeking, leisure-living old coot.

I wonder what grandma got everyone this year.
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Well, it’s that time of year again and the staff members at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches are all abuzz with excitement! Christmas is almost over and they couldn’t be more excited. The 26th of December will mark the end to one of the most heart-wrenching, carnage-filled seasons yet. The casualties have been immeasurable, spirits have been broken, and citizens have been faced with one of the most life-altering decisions ever put forth. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? This War on Christmas has been brutal for everyone caught in its sparkly crosshairs. Numerous reports of digital injuries have been reported throughout the month of December due to the vigorous finger-pointing. Studies have shown that those actively involved with the WoC are also suffering from chronic Rectal-Cranial Inversions, a situation that will hopefully remedy itself once “Jingle Bells” is no longer being piped into everyone’s heads 24 stupid hours a day, starting in October. Free Botox will be made readily available at local clinics to remove the continual look of perplexed bewilderment on the faces of bystanders of the War who just don’t see the point of the whole thing. It is expected that that as soon as the last wreath has been removed, a collective groan will thunder through the land as the Christmas soldiers suddenly realize that they’ve been duped by a sleazy, smirking talk show host and a slithering snake in evangelist’s clothing who invented the whole thing. And then we can go back to everyone getting along and being pleased as punch with one another.

Until then, let’s do some Christmas* shopping!

*The use of the words “Christmas” and “Holiday” in no way endorses or denies any specific religion or spiritual belief. Or non-belief. They are merely terms used to designate the unabashed orgy of consumerism that happens every year at this time.

And here is the standard by which all other shopping must be compared. The 1978 Sears Wish Book. It is the Holy Grail of holiday gift-giving. If it’s not in here, you don’t want it. If it is in here, you probably had it. It also proves that it’s just fine to wear dresses so short that your underwear show. If the kids can do it, so can we! Go on, ladies, deck the hoo-ha with boughs of holly!

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One must never show up to a holiday celebration empty handed. But how much expensive wine does a party need? Nothing says Christmas like a pile of sticky ribbon candy that has melded together into an impenetrable block of sugary badness. As an added benefit, the ribbons become shards of razor sharp gum-severing joy, spreading bloody smiles to all the boys and girls who didn’t know any better. Shiny, waxy chocolates are also a classic that no table should be without. Someone’s bound to get drunk and make inappropriate scatological jokes about these, so don’t miss out. Also, place your orders early for the official Sears ice cream sundae! Free wrapping with every double scoop!

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So your wife spent much of the 60’s in a drug-induced haze, eh? And now she’s given up her old partying ways to do the housewife thing. Bummer. It’s her own fault for falling in love with an intern from Nixon’s campaign office. How about helping her relive her gloriously misspent youth with these magical mushroom kitchen accessories! She’ll flash back to the days when she was naked and free and high as a kite, just don’t be surprised if you come home to find her licking the unused plates and mumbling about spoons and spatulas and spice racks.

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Frank N Bun It’s ALIVE!!

Welp, you might as well face it. Its time for the company party again. For the past three years you’ve avoided it by reporting the same grandmother’s death over and over again. They’re on to you and you will be participating in the Yankee Swap this time around. Forget thoughtful. Forget practical. This year, prove your disdain with inexplicable uselessness. The Coney Island Steamer is guaranteed to bring a frown to everyone it gets unloaded on. This thing will get passed around the office faster than Tammy in accounting. While the name brings to mind something you might find in a porta-potty under the docks, the Coney Island Steamer itself proves just about as useful. Hot dogs. One at a time. Perfect for that family of five who don’t mind waiting eons for their clammy portion of soggy bread and pig lips lovingly encased in animal intestine.

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Wow, finally we can use futuristic technology in our own homes! I’m so glad we captured those aliens back in Roswell and forced them to cough up their revolutionary cooking techniques! Just look at all those things mom will be able to make all lickety-split like. No more raw apples for us, only apples that have been covered in playground sand and bombarded with high powered rays. She’ll have loads more time to twirl around the kitchen with her cakes and pies now that she can actually bake them in a matter of seconds! Entire cuts of meat will come out juicy and delicious after a good zapping with this new fangled microthingy! Just imagine all the moist and healthy meals that will come pouring out of this wondrous machine! At just under 400 dollars, you can’t beat that with a stick. I wonder if they’ll ever invent something we can use to reheat the leftovers.

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Fire hazard, schmire hazard, I’ve got a warehouse full of these damned stuffed animals and I can’t unload ¢â‚¬Ëœem since the carnival got shut down. Now are you gonna help me rip the stuffing out of these things and wire ¢â‚¬Ëœem up or am I going to have to call your parole officer? ¢â‚¬ËœSides, kids are gonna love these things! Little freaks. Once we donate these to the orphanage for Christmas, I can write it off and make all my money back and then some. It’s win-win. Hey, don’t waste that electrical tape, those wires ain’t exposed if they’re under the fur!

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You’ll be the King of the Castle this holiday season when you gather the family and let them gape in wonder at their glorious new 19” screen. It’s like having a drive-in movie theater right in your living room! It features an easy-to-use remote control that practically fits in your hand how’s that for state of the art? It’s as easy to use as one of those push-button telephones you’ve heard so much about. Features real LED readout and electronic random-access channel selection. That’s right, you can change to any other channel with the handy cannel changer and you can actually see what channel you’ve changed to. This is the best, most feature-packed TV you can get for under $600, so don’t delay!

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Need a gift for your nephew, the music lover? As any self-respecting Styx fan will tell you, look no further than this amazing Dual-Record Compact Stereo System. Word on the street is that vinyl is on its way out and the future is all about the compact 8-track tape and the even tinier cassette tape! With this amazing system, you can transfer all your record albums onto long lasting 8-track or cassette tapes so the music can play on forever. You’ll never have to worry about whether you’ll be able to listen to REO Speedwagon’s greatest hits again. The faux walnut grain will add class to any room and the stylish rotary controls for volume, balance, bass, and treble let you tailor the sound to the your taste. What more could any bachelor pad need?

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How many times have the kids begged and pleaded for a dulcimer, only to be told that you couldn’t afford one. The look of heartbreak on their tiny faces is unbearable and you were willing to do what you had to do this season to make their dulcimer dreams come true. Well, don’t sell the family car yet and stop wondering how much you could get for a perfectly good kidney. At long last, there’s a dulcimer that just about everyone can afford. It truly is a Christmas miracle!

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And finally, Pedro the Christmas Burro can rest easy this year. It’s Frosty’s turn to take one for the team and martyr himself in the name of Christmas. Fill him up, arm the kids, and teach them the true meaning of the season. Blindly beat the crap out of stuff until you get what you want. In this case, piles of candy falling from the torn and battered corpse of a snowman.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyous WhateverTheFrigYouWant! I hope everyone has a good weekend full of love and warmth!

Wait.

What’s that, my tiny reindarlings? The toys? What about the toys? Oh, you think the toys are best thing in the whole Sears Wish Book (besides the underwear pages)? Oh, well, maybe if you’re good, Santa will write something funny especially for you on Christmas morning. But only if you’re goooood . . . 😉

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Good intentions gone bad isn’t that what the holidays are all about? Here at the Museum of Kitschy Stitches, we understand that it’s the thought that counts. What we don’t understand is just what on God’s Green Earth some people are thinking. Honestly, wouldn’t a simple card or a punch in the face suffice? We know we’d rather have our hamstrings sliced than get another lovely frock for the dishwashing liquid. But if there’s a not-so-special someone in your life that’s just not taking the hint from the restraining orders, perhaps some of the pieces in our Ho Ho Holy Crap Gallery will inspire you.

As ever, click on a picture to see larger version.

This festive wreath evokes all the charm and warmth of a toilet seat on a cold Christmas morning. Honestly, spend the $5 at the grocery store and get a real one. Or go into the woods to collect some fresh foliage and make one. Or steal one from the neighbors. Or buy a plastic one. Or hang a dead cat on your door. Anything but this.

Kids at the playground can be cruel sometimes. If you want to make sure they always are, knit your grandson a sweater that will earn him wedgie after wedgie. It’s yellow. It has a bear on it. The bear is a baby. The baby is wearing a diaper. A diaper. On a boy’s sweater. What the hell, grab a handful of underoos yourself once everyone is done opening their presents, perhaps it’ll be the makings of a beloved family tradition.

Pssst! When you told your sister that your wanted to make her a sweater for Christmas, she didn’t say “Oh, duck!”

Ding Ding Ding! We have a classic! For years, tissue cozies have darkened the doorways of people all around the world. Joyeux Noel, here eez a geeft for your tissues! Froehliche Weinachten, ve haf ways off making you keep your tissues cosy. Bono Natale, I hope-a you like-a the gift-a I bought for your-a Kleenex. Merry Christmas, I didn’t feel like spending any money on you or putting any thought into your gift, and I had all this cheap yarn to use up, so . . .

You know what this world needs? Fewer drunk rabbits in yellow pants ranting about the rising price of carrots and Medicare not covering the cost of his fake foot that those bastards thought was lucky – lucky for who, tell me that! – and another thing, I love you man. Merry Kizzm . . . kizzmu . . . kriszzmi . . . Happy Holidays ~belchhh~

So your nieces are well-adjusted and brimming with self confidence, eh? Makes you nuts, don’t it? Kids today need to learn that it’s not what’s inside that counts, it’s all about looks, baby. Size 0 clothing is on the rack for a reason, after all, and you’re not going to get on the Mtv by eating pizza. With this cool set of dolls, you can help them set those unattainable goals we all set for ourselves. This frumpy couple appears to be in love, but are they really happy? Do they look happy with those comfortably fitted clothes, oversized eyebrows, and outdated hair color? Click the picture to see what happened after they ate nothing but buttered beef for 6 months and subjected themselves to the ghouls at What Not To Wear. Zowie, now there’s a happy couple. Just don’t stand near them, they smell like rotting cows.

I am the Pom Pom King and you lesser Pom Poms will DO MY BIDDING! Go, my children, go into the night and bite the ankles of the unfortunate urchins who dared to receive me as a gift. They will rue the day they ever unwrapped that shiny, ribbony package and soon their delicious souls will be mine! Mwah ha ha ha haaaaa . . .

A lot of people thought it was cruel to conquer the planet of Floweria. Protesters were outraged when we captured and anally impaled its citizens for decorative purposes. But look how cute they are.

Live things are overrated and that’s why knitted plants are perfect. No challenge, no trying, no trying to try, no growth, no responsibility, no sense of accomplishment, no death. Isn’t that how life should be? Oh, and Happy New Year.

We at the MOKS were hesitant at first to include these Psychedelic Psnakes. They’re actually kind of cute. And therein lies their insidious nature. They’re almost cute enough to make. And when you give one to someone, you’ll do it out of genuine affection. They’ll even smile and say “How cuuuute!” when they open it. It will have prominent placement on the dresser for a while, but then it will start to be in the way. It will be moved to a shelf, but will keep rolling off because there’s not enough room. It will end up unknowingly kicked under the bed, where it will marinate in dust, old tissues, and toenail clippings. When it is recovered in 5 years during a frantic left-shoe search, it will be briefly mourned, maybe even dusted off a bit. And then it will be included in the next yard sale. To make it easier for everyone, please attach a price tag of 10 cents before wrapping to expedite the process.

In searching for items to enrich the Ho Ho Holy Crap Gallery, we came across a recurring theme among various craft patterns. It seems that whether you knit, crochet, sew, or just have a glue gun and some random offal around the house, you want to make a clown for someone. Yes you do. You do. Stop shaking your head and backing away and deal with the fact that because you are crafty, you want to make a clown. In just about every magazine we looked at, there are handcrafted clowns. Some happy, some crying, some evil, some disembodied, all wrong. And so in celebration of all things that would make the baby Jesus cry, we present for your dissatisfaction: A Very Clowny Christmas.

Hey, kid. When you go to sleep, I’m going to stuff you inside myself.

Now fussy babies can be scared straight!

Ooh, look! It’s Mr. Bear in his bow tie, Funky Monkey in his funny fez, and Conjunctivitis the Clown with his oozing eye infection. Let the puppet show begin!

At least some of these clowns are dead. And I have a pretty good idea who did it. Those live ones look pretty pleased with themselves.

This sanguineous fella is intended for decoration in a baby’s nursery. More specifically, for Rosemary’s baby’s nursery.

You may as well wrap a shiny new butcher knife with this lil’ treasure because when he comes to life, he’s just going to head to the kitchen to get one anyway. How else is he going to kill everyone in the house in a violent orgy of blood and screaming?

Thanks for dropping by, Happy Holidays!!