None. None more beige.
Members of the press, esteemed colleagues, valued patrons, and the pest control guy in the corner, we welcome you to this momentous occasion. For weeks, all of us at the MOKS have toiled selflessly to improve your museum experience. In fact, Tammy in Accounting actually worked side-by-side with Vito in security on this project. Fear not, we consulted with a contractor and the foreign objects which “somehow” found their way into the foundation will not affect the wall’s structural integrity. Tammy and Vito, I wish I could say the same about yours. But let’s not dwell on the depraved shenanigans of a few, let’s revel in the brand-spankin’ newness of the latest wonder of the museum world.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the grand opening of the Museum of Kitschy Stitches Cafe and Snackatorium!
We’ve put together an amazing menu that we’re sure our visitors will enjoy again and again. In fact, some have said it’s actually better coming up and it was going down. Below are some staff favorites. Gastrointestinally speaking, this is one of our finest crowning achievements.
(Click the images for a neat surprise. I really have been toiling away!)
Hello. My name is Hotdogo Montoya. You grilled my father. Prepare to dine.
It’s great that more and more businesses are starting to jump on the recycling bandwagon. With so much reusable material thrown away every day and the earth’s dwindling resources, at least you can rest assured that botched LASIK surgeries will no longer result in unnecessary waste.
Would you care for as post-consumer Hor D’Oeuvre?
Hey, don’t blame, I’m not the one who left dinner near the salmon spawning tank.
Why so glum, beefy? Someone needs to cram some Prozac into those olive fissures before this meal starts taking hostages.
As you can see, I’ve opened up an Etsy shop! Please peruse all my wares, including this new line of cards called “The Distasteful Gourmet” and another called “Bouffant Beauties”. I’ve also been on a sewing kick, so check out my super-cool baby dresses. More items to come! http://www.mcyarnpants.etsy.com/
It’s time to swing to the syncopated sounds of the Satan’s Sweater Set Combo!
Golly, just listen to the rocking rhythm these hep cats are laying down! Bless my speckled yarn, they really have that boogie woogie sound. It’s too bad about the all-over weeping body rash they’re going to get later, but that’s what happens when you mix reefer madness with costume design.
For what it’s worth, I think they look positively swell in the asbestos/fiberglass blend. And aren’t skin grafts just part of the crazy, mixed-up scene the kids are into these days?
Check it out! I just got the director’s cut of Alfred Hitchcock’s long forgotten Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
*Spoiler alert*
In yet another fine example of Yarn Noir, Hitchcock puts his signature twist on a tired old story. Rather than casting actual bears for this film, he seems to have hired two lambs and some sort of wolf-bear hybrid. In a stunning turn of events, we learn that the chairs were rigged and the porridge was poisoned!
Goldie was a tough dame with killer gams, but she was also a double-crossing spy who got in way over her head. She thought she was dealing with a furry family of simpletons whose primary motivation was quiet walk, and maybe a nice poo, in the woods. Little did she realize she was actually mixed up with sheep in wolf-bears’ clothing. Cruel, calculating, power hungry sheep determined to seize control of one of the largest mob families in the forest. They would run the Grizzbino crime syndicate, no matter who got in their way.
A must-see for the whole family, provided the kids don’t mind a blood-soaked adventure that’s positively Shakespearean in violence.
My hamp, my hamp, my lovely lady lamps!
What you gon’ make with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch some crap
Get you kitsch drunk off my lamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my lovely little lamps (Check it out)
I drive these crafters crazy,
I do it on the blogee,
They treat me really sweetly,
Though I post infrequey.
Red Heart and Lion-a
Orlon and Nylon-a
Caron, they be swearin’
All their cheap yarn I be wearin’ (not!)
Sister, I ain’t askin’,
They say they luv my sassin’
Someone screams, d’you want this?
I say no but they keep givin’
So I keep on takin’
And now we can’t stop laughin’
We can keep on makin’
Fun of vintage fashion
My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lamps,
My lamp, my lamp, my lamp,
My lamps they got you,
She’s got me stitchin’
(Oh) Stitchin’ up this plastic canvas, this awful plastic canvas
She’s got me stitchin’
(oh) Stitching all this plastic uglee, uh-uglee, ugleee!
What you gon’ make with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch some bunk
Get you kitsch drunk off my lamp
What you gon’ do with all that canvas
All that canvas once it’s done?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
I fixed your room to fit the theme
Cos of my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my hamp
My hamp, my hamp, my hamp, my lovely lady lamps (Check it out)
I met a girl down at the craft sto’
She said hey hey hey, you sew!
I could be your baby, you could be my dummy
Let’s make crafts that aren’t crummy.
I mix your yarn wit my fun-fur stuff
Yarny, yarny fun-fur
Mix your yarn wit my fun-fur stuff, yarny, yarny riiiiiiiight.
They say I’m really crafty.
The boys they wanna be crafty
They always making macrame,
Always knitting next to me.
Tryin’ a steal my hamp, hamp.
Lookin’ at my lamp, lamp.
You can look but you can’t touch it.
If you touch it, I’ma start some drama,
Ok, wait a second. What the hell is this song about?? I’m no prude, but what kind of girl is this? I can’t make the whole art of craft fit into this seedy song. I need to go scrub my brain with a wire brush.
