Mary and Jane were perplexed and vaguely amused by this strange new concept.

Color? On yarn? What an outlandish idea. Why would anyone do such a thing? After all, the sensible rainbow of yellows, browns, and off-yellowish-browns they’d dressed in all their lives had been plenty. This seemed almost . . . vulgar and unnecessary.

Unbeknownst to them, the Grande Dame of color, Miss Beulah Von Featherglitter (of the New Orleans Featherglitters), was standing right behind them. They didn’t know it yet, but their world was about to be rocked.

Is there anything more pleasant than an afternoon in the crisp autumn air? It’s the perfect way to spend the day with your family. Nope, there’s nothing finer than enjoying nature’s bounty and bringing home . . .

A Bushel of the Damned!!!

Move over Johnny Appleseed, little Joanie Badseed is on the scene. Clearly, she’s just caused untold carnage in the orchard. In the movies, this is the part where the end credits would roll and we’d gesticulate wildly at the screen trying to warn her parents.

Can you hear the apples screaming, Clarice?

I see a lot of bad sequels in this girl’s future. Panic in the Pumpkin Patch. The Strawberry Field Massacre. Children of the Corn Maze. Pick a Peck of Pickled Death . . .

The audience at the 1945 International Science Consortium was stunned into silence when my great-grandfather, Schnapsidee von Genesplice, presented his thesis. The theme that year was Quadrupedal Temperature Change and he had stumbled upon an ingenious plan to keep tender paws warm and toasty.

These twisted kittens would never again lose their mittens, for they had been genetically altered to have woolly mitts where tiny paws should be! Their misshapen heads and a suspicious lack of any discernible noses or mouths shook fellow scientists to the core. Suddenly, panic broke out in the front row as the “cats” approached them, their crooked torsos being dragged along the stage by five stumpy legs. The marked absence of any tails was just too much to bear and convinced many that science was best left to the fiction writers.

In today’s exhibit, we’re proud to present something very special. We’re still waiting for the certificate of authentication, but are certain that the curator of the collection from whence it came is reputable. They had a feedback score of 3,472. That’s a Red Star, folks! But we can’t let a thing like paperwork or verification hold us back, so let’s respect the honor-bound sanctity of eBay and move ahead.

Behold this important transitional piece from late in the career of Georgia O’Keefe! Observe the contrasting colors as they dance sensually on a springy bed of deep forest green. The organic shapes seem to invite you inside to share their warmth and wonder. It’s simply astounding how she was able to transfer her vision from an inanimate canvas to a living one. From paint to yarn, the progression is as natural as her visual representations of the holiest of holey – the flower and the cow skull.

It’s amazing what you can do with crochet, isn’t it?

Well, I’ll be damned. Bad vintage fashion has gone all self-mocking on me! Will you look at this?

“Just What I Wanted!”

“zingy fashion in-ness!”

“Make him the 4″ wide tie or the exciting 5″ width – or both!”

Say what??

“Fringed vests are the newest thing with young he’s and she’s”

“bead the fringe in casual Indian effect”?

These bastards are trying to put me out of business! How can they do this to me? How can they be making fun of themselves? It’s not right, I tells ya’! Next thing you know, I’m going to find out they invented the granny square lo those many years ago just to mess with my head.

This is some kind of Terminator thing, I just know it. If you see a snarky cyberdynic robot running around making fun of people’s sweaters, let me know.

Now I’m afraid to answer the door. What if it comes for me? But it might be worth getting squashed between a speeding 18-wheeler crane thing and a fire truck just to hear the words “Stitchy McYarnpants?” in an Austrian accent. Maybe it’ll all work out ok and the Snarkinator will give me a thumbs up as I slowly lower it into a steaming crock pot full of yarn that I’m dying. We’ll see. But in the meantime, why not add a butterfly bow tie? The bow is wide, too – d’oh!