Just in time for the holidays! It’s the new Home Plastic Surgery Kit from StitchCo! Just slip it on and follow the easy-to-follow color-coded cut lines. Refresh a hairline that isn’t just receding, it’s gone into full fledged retreat. Tighten droopy eyes which are no doubt suffering the ravages of your non-stop sobbing. Lift up those lumps of glutinous dough you used to call a jawline and for heaven’s sake, just pick one chin and stick with it while you’re digging around in there. And feel free to do something about those earlobes, too.

This ski mask gets extra points for thoughtfully including a faithful replica of this man’s weeping cold sores. Might as well warn the snow bunnies right up front, eh? And toss in some gin blossoms while you’re at it.

Will you just look into those eye? This kid is pleading for his mom to just forget what he said about becoming a model and drive him right back to school as soon as possible. Like now. That little eyebrow of despair speaks volumes, let’s listen . . . “Please, mom? For the love of all that is holy, mom? Please can we please leave please? I’ll never ask for anything or come up with any other big ideas about my future again, I swear. Take me right to the dentist or the nursing home so I can visit with strange old people, I don’t care. I’ll go anywhere. I’ll clean the hamster cage every day. Please?”

P.S. From the description: “Warm little Indian wears his feathers knitted over pipe cleaners, his war paint of duplicate stitch.” uhhhh-huh . . . and people wonder why ancient Native American burial grounds fight back.

It’s too late for Sally. The darkness has got her now. She’s no longer the girl we loved, the transformation has already begun. Soon she’ll be coming for us and unless you’re aching for a set of acrylic bangs, I suggest we run.

P.S. From the description: “Fringed yarn bangs and pompon “hair” are amusing.” I think they used waaay too few quotation marks. Tell me, doesn’t this make more sense: “Fringed yarn “bangs” and “pompon” “hair” are “amusing”.”

Now, this family of ski masks already made the rounds on the internets a long time ago. I wouldn’t re-hash them if I didn’t have a really good reason. I’m sure everyone who has ever seen these things has laughed and recoiled in horror and thought “Who would ever make something like this?” And because the way the human brain has evolved, there are built-in protections for our delicate psyches. We tell ourselves that obviously no one has ever made one. How could they? It’s just too much to fathom.

Well, in the immortal words of Danny Bonaduce, I am about to shake your foundation. I will shake the f’ing rafters. Nobody’ll be the same.

This is 6-year-old Charles C. In 1966, he lived in Mogador, Ohio. I guess that would make him 46 now. This was his mom’s first knitting project. I know this photo looks like surveillance camera footage from some crazed, yarn-fueled crime spree, and who could blame the little guy. But in actuality, his mom was so proud, she sent it to McCalls magazine so they could put it in the section of the magazine called “Show Us How You Did It With Snaps!” (snaps, in this case, being snapshots. Although maybe the hat could benefit from some extra closures) Charles, email me. Seriously, we need to talk.

*And before you ask, I can’t post the pattern or send it out. I just don’t feel comfortable doing it for copyright reasons. Sorry, it’s just better this way, I mean, you don’t really want to make one of these, do you? Consider it a public service.