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This month, we’ll be exploring a collection of atrocities for the unlucky men in our lives. Are they hand-crafted out of love or masterminded to drain a man’s essence? Either way, if you can get him to put it on you’ll know that his soul is yours for the crushing. For maximum effect, show this to the man you love, wield your knitting needles and crochet hooks menacingly, then ask him to do your bidding. Repeat as necessary.

(as ever – click the pictures for enlarged view)

Some situations demand extreme action. This man has taken Shakespearean steps to exact a swift revenge for the misdeeds of the granny-square crocheting she-devil by his side. While it may look like he’s bestowing a sweet kiss upon his lover, in reality, he has coated his lips with a hat-penetrating poison that will render her unable to hold a crochet hook for the rest of her days. Little does he know, she’s using the new Rowan’s new Poison Proof and Pretty Cashmerino.

If only his sweater were loaded. A quick, clean shot to the heart is the only way out of this disaster.

I’m not even sure I understand this outfit. Stripes and cables and tassles, a yoke and collar, all topped off with matching mittens and a precariously placed beanie that will fly of his head at the very thought of shooshing down a mountain. It looks more like a 1950’s futuristic outer space uniform reconfigured for slope-bound humans. Danger, Will Robinson! Do not accept this offering!

Speaking of outer space creatures . . . yikes. This is from a Red Heart book from 1941 called “Knit for Defense” and it features lots of patterns you can knit for soldiers in WWII. Apparently the idea was to make the Germans think they were battling Martians, causing them to flee in terror. Perhaps we could all get together and try the same thing for our troops in Iraq. Let’s send ray guns along, just to make it more convincing.

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Huh, that’s funny – they all look like Dicks to me.

While perusing many vintage pattern books, I uncovered a diabolical plot. I’m not exactly sure of the intended outcome, but frankly, the men do not fare well. I suspect that might actually be the intended outcome. It seems that if it’s good for the gander, what the heck knit one up for the goose! Both the mens’ and ladies’ versions are heinous, but the fellas always seem to come out with the fuzzy end of this bitter little lollipop. I imagine that a version for Fido would be equally as bad, but since he’s already had his nuts surgically removed, there’s no need to do it through knitwear.

Confuse your neighbors, upset your friends, and to heck with those gender roles. Blur that line between fashion and folly I’m sure he’s done something to deserve it! Toss in a pair of polyester crotch-restricting short-shorts and the kids will be asking ”Why doesn’t daddy come home any more?” in no time!

Warm Vest, Cold Shoulder. How could it have gone any other way? She seems to be trying to smooth things over with a playful pinch on the bum, but he’s not having it. This time she’s gone too far. Looks like someone is sleeping in the rumpus room tonight and if there’s a matching afghan in there, it’s not going to be him.

Let’s see, we’ll use gray yarn . . . aaaand take of the fringe . . .hmmmm . . . make it a little longer . . . nope still looks like a complete and utter goofball.

Here’s a set that seeks to answer the age-old question just who in the hell does she think she is? Her sweater is fit for a queen, and so is his. Or at the very least an extremely happy king. And by the looks of it, he is most definitely not a happy king.

This couple might actually be from a reality-based pattern book – I don’t think they’re models at all. Above, he appears to be giving the missus a hard time about her “crowning achievment” and here he is at home yelling at everyone to “Shut the hell up, I’m on the phone!” I suppose he’s trying to call someone to ask just why he has to wear the bottom of his sweater flipped up. He doesn’t realize that he’s the proud owner of an Aran crumb-catcher, state of the art stuff in 1957.

Why wait until he’s a full grown man to start humiliating him? Smart moms can mortify two birds with one pattern! With any luck, Junior will bypass puberty altogether and start collecting Precious Moments figurines right away – just like his old man. (Note that dad is leaning on the railing with all his weight. Also note that the railing has a sign that says “Danger Keep Off” in giant red letters. His silent scream is deafening.)

“Boys, this is where we’re moving to. Don’t tell mommy!”
“Does this mean we don’t have to dress like fuzzy kittens anymore, daddy??”
“Yes, son. Everything’s going to be alright now.”

And finally, some help for all you men out there who are not sure what they can do about this knitting scourge. How can you avoid the humiliation of having to wear a fringed purple and orange tartan sweater or a belted vest of the finest salmon-colored boucle? Well, perhaps you can learn by someone else’s mistake. For instance, when your wife or girlfriend is trying to make pleasant conversation and asks what your favorite Lifesaver flavor is, there are many right answers. There is also at least one extremely wrong one: “Fer Chrissakes, I don’t know. All of them. Not shut yer pie-hole and get me a beer, dammit!” This man actually prefers the subtlety of Butter Rum and wishes he had politely said so. Clearly this is revenge knitting at its finest. You go, girl.

Thanks for coming, and remember – only use your knitting powers for good. 😉

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